z

Young Writers Society



Revising Hope, Chapter Un

by beautyandthefish


Hello Readers of Mine! Thanks for...reading? Anyhoo, this was just a little story that came to my mind a couple nights ago, and I decided to write it out. Reviews are greatly appreciated, and keep in mind that this story is a work in progress.

Hope pounded her fist on her bed, frustration racing through her body, as if she needed more. Hot tears ran out of her pinched eyes, dampening her soft pillow with their sorrow. When Hope finally finished her relentless mourning, she pulled herself up slowly so that she could look out the window. The day was beautiful, one of the autumn days that make you want to rest outside and catch leaves like pearls on your fingertips. A few, stray, golden leaves drifted slowly down to the ground, moving as if in slow motion, only because of the foreboding breeze that swept the sky. Soon winter would come, with it bringing harsh winds, and light snow, a beautiful contrast, that kept many indoors for most of the season. Shaking herself from her daydreams, Hope checked her phone, something that she had done at least a hundred times in the past hour, before relinquishing it to its cradle, realizing that Raymond wasn’t going to call her. Ever again.

She and Raymond had been, well, she wouldn’t put it was going out. They had never really been out, but they had kissed. Didn’t that count for something? And then he had to go and break her heart, as if nothing had happened between them. She tried to tell herself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter. Her mind was listening, but her heart just couldn’t believe the lies. For once in her life, nothing made since.

Hope was a very clean girl. She was truthfully border line OCD, and it showed from the way her life was. Everything had to be scheduled and orderly. Any slight change of plans set her off, and she couldn’t control herself. Many would say that she was high maintenance, but that was hardly true, she just had a way that things needed to be. Hope was very beautiful, with long ash-blonde hair, and quiet blue eyes, observant and intelligent. She was far from perfect, but she was very lovely, but all these thoughts about her had disappeared with Raymond’s compassion, and suddenly she was nothing more than an impish, tiny child, just learning how to think.

A knock on Hope’s door brought Hope to her feet, quickly wiping her eyes, “Hope, the guests are here, won’t you come down and greet them?” Hope quickly nodded, and as soon as the door closed, she smacked herself on the head. How could she have forgotten about her father’s best friend, and his son coming? Then again, why should she worry? This son of his was at least four years older than her, what interest could ever be there? Still, there was reason to make a good impression, so she dove into her closet and picked out a clean, white dress, trimmed with black lace, and brushed out her hair.

The “friends” had turned out to be very kind, and their son, well, let’s just say he was way out of her league. They sat together at the dinner table that night, passing bread, and happily chatting about memories. Memories, Hope thought, what a strange thing. A cause of much pain, yet, a source of utmost happiness. Hope looked up from her turkey burger to discover the 19-something year old looking straight at her. They made eye contact for what seemed like an eternity, before Hope excused herself from the table, claiming she had work to do, though it was a Friday night. She needed time to think.

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Tue Aug 19, 2008 2:35 am
day tripper wrote a review...



Hiya, Beauty and the Fish! I'm Olivia(: Anyways, here's my review:


When Hope finally finished her relentless mourning, she pulled herself up slowly so that she could look out the window.


Here, you should expand on it a little more. Add a little more detail and possibly an explanation.


A few, stray, golden leaves drifted slowly down to the ground, moving as if in slow motion, only because of the foreboding breeze that swept the sky.


No need for a comma after 'stray'.


Soon winter would come, with it bringing harsh winds, and light snow, a beautiful contrast, that kept many indoors for most of the season.


This is a run-on. It needs to be reworded, hopefully you know how to. If not - PM me!


Shaking herself from her daydreams, Hope checked her phone, something that she had done at least a hundred times in the past hour, before relinquishing it to its cradle, realizing that Raymond wasn’t going to call her.


This sentence seems like a run - on, it's impacted with a lot of information.


She and Raymond had been, well, she wouldn’t put it was going out.


"She and Raymond had been, well not exactly going out but something around the terms." Seems a little bit better. Or else you can even reword it yourself!


They had never really been out, but they had kissed


Put 'but' after the coma and have instead of had.


Didn’t that count for something?


This should be in ' ' and say Hope thought afterwords since it's a thought.


And then he had to go and break her heart, as if nothing had happened between them.


Do not start a sentence with a conjunction - DONT MAKE ME GET KAT ON YOU!(; [Kat is AlwaysAWriter and is always on my case about conjunctions]


She tried to tell herself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter.


Put an ; instead of a coma.


She was truthfully border line OCD,


HAH! I'm OCD crazy. I have it really bad.


She was far from perfect, but she was very lovely, but all these thoughts about her had disappeared with Raymond’s compassion, and suddenly she was nothing more than an impish, tiny child, just learning how to think.


Run-on!


“Hope, the guests are here, won’t you come down and greet them?”

Who was saying this?


They made eye contact for what seemed like an eternity, before Hope excused herself from the table, claiming she had work to do, though it was a Friday night.


RUNON AGAIN! I'm going to be your run-on natzi, woman! haha


She needed time to think.


Think about what?


Overall:
It wasn't bad but it seemed like a lot of run-ons and huge paragraphs about her crying then eating with guests.


Suggestions:
You should space out your paragraphs more and add more detail&explanations.

Any questions? PM me(:




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Sun Aug 17, 2008 6:05 pm
ashleylee wrote a review...



Hello, Beautyandthefish! Cute name by the way :wink:

About your story, I thought it was good. I mean, you had nothing insanely wrong with it. Everything was in order and I must praise you on your vocabulary. It is beyond me. Really. Very nicely done.

I have only one comment to make:

She and Raymond had been, well, she wouldn’t put it was going out. They had never really been out, but they had kissed. Didn’t that count for something? And then he had to go and break her heart, as if nothing had happened between them. She tried to tell herself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t matter. Her mind was listening, but her heart just couldn’t believe the lies. For once in her life, nothing made since.

Hope was a very clean girl. She was truthfully border line OCD, and it showed from the way her life was. Everything had to be scheduled and orderly. Any slight change of plans set her off, and she couldn’t control herself. Many would say that she was high maintenance, but that was hardly true, she just had a way that things needed to be. Hope was very beautiful, with long ash-blonde hair, and quiet blue eyes, observant and intelligent. She was far from perfect, but she was very lovely, but all these thoughts about her had disappeared with Raymond’s compassion, and suddenly she was nothing more than an impish, tiny child, just learning how to think.


Okay, this is a very drastic change between these two paragraphs. First, you are talking about how her life no longer makes sense. Then, you start describing her...way to drastic a change. Try to smooth it out by slowly slipping in details about her life. Maybe as she is looking around her room, showing how clean and neat it is, make a comment on that. Then, when she looks in the mirror, she admires her beauty. Or something like that. But I really don't like how it was going so smoothly then it just cut off, and you starting going into describing mode. Make that smoother and everything will fit better :wink:

Also, I found it kind of short :? Sorry. But for a chapter, it was on the less side. I know that on YWS, people like shorter stories (and I am one of them :wink:) because it is easier to read on the internet. But this is short to be one chapter. I don't know, maybe that's just me...

Other than that, well done and I am on to chapter two




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Sun Aug 17, 2008 3:40 am
listeningforthemuse wrote a review...



Oh! :shock:
Wow! This was absolutely fantasmatic!
Very addicting and easy to identify with.
Hope is a believable character in a very realistic situation.
This was almost flawlessly written. I love it!


When Hope finally finished her relentless mourning, she pulled herself up slowly so that she could look out the window.


Try expanding on this. And she "finished her relentless mourning". If it was truly relentless, then she wouldn't finish, would she?
"When Hope couldn't take anymore of the relentless pain, she took a shuddering gasp of air; slowly pulling herself up to look out the window."
I dunno, I'm just fooling with it.
But keep in mind that her pain should be apparent with every action that she takes.


The day was beautiful, one of the autumn days that make you want to rest outside and catch leaves like pearls on your fingertips. A few, stray, golden leaves drifted slowly down to the ground, moving as if in slow motion, only because of the foreboding breeze that swept the sky.


You used the word "leaves" twice and far too closely together to overlook it.
I would revise this if I were you.


Shaking herself from her daydreams, Hope checked her phone, something that she had done at least a hundred times in the past hour, before relinquishing it to its cradle, realizing that Raymond wasn’t going to call her. Ever again.


I love this. It really shows us just how much she misses him.
And how she has realized the truth of the situation but is subconsciously fighting it.
Powerful.
However, you used too many commas in this sentence. Four, as a matter of fact.
This part should be placed in parentheses:
"...something that she had done at least a hundred times in the past hour..."

She was far from perfect, but she was very lovely, but all these thoughts about her had disappeared with Raymond’s compassion, and suddenly she was nothing more than an impish, tiny child, just learning how to think.


You used "but" once too many times.
And this sentence didn't quite make sense to me.
You're giving us facts, then you tell us that these facts disappeared.
Perhaps to her they were gone, but not to us. If this is the case, you should make it more clear.


A knock on Hope’s door brought Hope to her feet, quickly wiping her eyes, “Hope, the guests are here, won’t you come down and greet them?” Hope quickly nodded, and as soon as the door closed, she smacked herself on the head
.

When a different character speaks, a new paragraph should sart.
Like so:

A knock on Hope’s door brought Hope to her feet, quickly wiping her eyes.
“Hope, the guests are here, won’t you come down and greet them?”
Hope quickly nodded, and as soon as the door closed, she smacked herself on the head.

Thats pretty much all I've got for you.
I'm too tired to dissect it, and I hate it when people dissect my work.
All in all, this was a great first chapter.
I'm off to read more!
Well, maybe not tonight....*yawn*




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Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:59 pm
Carlito says...



This is very well written. I love the use of detail. I think you should try to continue this because it is a very good piece. Nice work :)




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Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:01 pm
chilly_willy07 wrote a review...



So far, I absolutely love it. Its very mindblowing; it has that touch on a reader. The one I am refering to is this: it makes you want to know what is going to happen next. Awesome! i adore how you portrayed Hope's attitude toward Raymond, although they were not in a "serious" relationship.


I can't wait to read what happens next!!





I am and always will be optimist, the hoper of far-flung hopes, the dreamer of improbable dreams.
— 11th Doctor