A women hurried along a street, constantly glancing around as if she was afraid to be caught. Attached to her hand was a young boy, who was no older than five. He stumbled, making his mother let out a sharp breath and pause to allow him to get back up. He look up, his grey eyes shining with water and the woman sighed, leaning over to him. He smiled when she picked him up and opened his mouth to say something, but stopped when his mother put a finger to her lips. The boy giggled quietly and she winced at the sound.
"My child, you must be quiet," the woman said quietly, starting to jog down the street again, this time with the boy in her arms.
"Why?" the boy tried to whisper, making his mother smile softly.
She looked down at her son, slowing down and running a hand through his dark hair. She studied his face, knowing that she would have to let go of him soon. She noticed the lone freckle on his cheek by his right ear and wondered if it would fade. She saw that the eyes of her son were like hers, but darker. His hair, however, was as dark as night, just like his father's.
"Mama? What-" the boy started to ask as his mother put him down, but she quickly put a finger to his lips, cutting him off.
The woman smiled softly at him before pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. She looked up at the three tall buildings in front of her that were mocking her, just like they had every day. But this time it was different. They seemed to know what she was doing and loomed over her like her growing guilt. However, she pushed the feelings aside and stopped at the lightest one, though you could not see a difference in the dim light that shone from a center statue. The carved face stared at her as she slowed down and nearly broke her resolve from the memories that threatened to take over.
The woman clenched her teeth and put her son down by the statue, never taking her eyes off of it. They were ripped from it, though, when her son made a frightened sound. She put a hand on hers and he gripped it tightly, almost making his mother wince.
"Mother, why are you doing this?" the dark haired boy asked, his voice calm and searching.
The woman sighed, crouching in front of her son so that she could look him in the eye. He always seemed to know things, though he was just a boy. "It is for your own good. You cannot grow up in my world; it is too..." the mother paused as she tried to find the right word, but couldn't. "It is just not right."
"You are in danger," the boy stated, his grey eyes locking with hers.
The mother could not help but to feel shocked at how her son knew that, or guessed. She had never told him, and she had always made sure that he wasn't there when she talked to people about it.
"Soul," the mother said slowly, using his name for emphasis, "how did you come to know that?"
Her son smiled and tapped his head. "I know things."
The mother sighed, reaching out and taking her son's hands. He looked down and them and then looked at her before sitting down on the ground. Soul crossed his legs and then sighed, making his mom smile.
"Come back."
The mother smiled sadly at her only son. "I will, when it is safe for you and I."
Soul smiled and closed his eyes as his mother closed hers. She frowned when she felt that her son only felt calmness, love, and sadness. She let a small smile graced her lips at that as she felt the familiar cold travel from her chest, through her arms, and then onto her son. He let out a breath and his mother opened her eyes to see him sleeping peacefully. However, she was not done.
The woman then moved one hand up to her son's forehead, knowing that this was the only way to be safe. "I am sorry, my son," the woman said, her voice breaking, as this time, heat entered into her hands from her son's head. "You will not be safe if you remember me. Be strong."
The woman's hand slide from her son's head to his chest as a tear slid down her cheek. She felt the scar-like pattern that was on her son's chest since he was born and traced it, memorizing it, so that she would be able to recognize him in the future. Her hand stopped at the center of it and she blinked back another tear, closing her eyes tightly.
Releasing a breath that she hadn't known that she had been holding, she stood up. The woman glanced back one last time, before turning and walking away, hoping that this was the right choice. She knew it was, but a small voice disagreed deep inside her.
This was the right thing to do, a voice echoed inside her head, making her jump slightly.
I know, the woman replied.
End of chapter
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140,667 Literary Works • 673,585 Reviews
THIS IS GOOD. I reallllly like this, its very poetic and beautiful. I can feel the emotion of the mother towards her son, and i could see alot of things in the piece that you didn't have to say.
for example (whether or not these are correct):
Before you said so, i could tell the woman was in trouble. You painted a scene that was filled with tension, and anxiety, just like how a movie would.
I could tell the young boy was far from ordinary, and I'm also assuming he'll be a centerpiece of the plot. Based on the way you described him, it gave me a mental image that I held with importance without realizing it.
An author can give a ton of information about a piece without even saying the words. By planting ideas in the back of a readers mind and growing that idea without them knowing. That's what I like about this bit. Its the perfect mix of confusing and poetic, as well as informational. You gave enough information without saying, and without breaking the flow, that i get the general pace and idea, but you also left out just enough to force questions, which ultimately made me keep reading.
I won't waste any time on typos or nitpicks, because @BookWolf got about all of them
Excellent job on this. You combined Emotion, Confusion, Poetry, and already interesting characters together, all in perfect doses, to make a really great flow.
(Prologues are easy. I hope you manage to make the rest of the chapters this well. Goodluck!)
All of the things that you saw that I did not say were entirely correct. That makes me very happy! I'm glad that you liked how it was written; I am trying to keep that up through the rest of the book. I hope that I can manage all of the future chapters; prologues are indeed very easy!
Thank you for reading this and commenting on it!
I love this prologue! It gives the sense of danger and a small idea of what is happening!
Now to the nitty gritty. In this sentence; 'She noticed the lone freckle on his cheek by his right ear and wondered if it would fade.' I feel like it needs a comma somewhere, to kind of hold the moment out.
Other than that tiny little detail, I really like your story. Please keep me posted if you publish more!
I also kind of want to know the name of this book
Keep writing!
~NympheaLily
Thanks for pointing out that kind of error. I went back on Word and reworded the sentence and it sounds a lot better. The name of this story is "Unknown", and I should be posting the first official chapter here pretty soon. I will definitely keep writing!
First off, let me just say, WOW! This was so incredibly moving and gripping that I almost forgot to stay alert for typos. Your way with words is truly beautiful. I could feel the mother's love for her child and the grief she was going through. I've seen some authors who tell me their character is sad and we're shown their tears and pain, but sometimes I just don't feel they're hardships. You, however, portrayed it nigh perfectly. Awesome job.
Also, I would like to welcome you to YWS. If you have any questions or need anything, feel free to ask me. I hope you enjoy your time here.
Here are some things I noticed:
"A women hurried along a street," 'women' should be 'woman'.
"constantly glancing around as if she was afraid to be caught." Now, I'm really not sure if this is a grammatical error--it might be, but I'm not certain--but I think this would sound much better if you replaced the 'was' with a 'were'.
"He look up," This should be 'looked'.
""My child, you must be quiet," the woman said quietly," No, there isn't truly anything wrong with this, but being as nitpicky as I am, I think you should change the 'quietly' to 'softly'.
"His hair, however, was as dark as night, just like his father's." Again, perhaps 'dark' should be 'black' because you'd just used 'darker in the previous sentence. (I'm weird about this kind of stuff, I know.)
"She put a hand on hers and he gripped it tightly" 'hers' should be 'his'.
"He looked down and them" 'and' should be 'at'.
"She let a small smile graced her lips at that" 'graced' should be 'grace'.
I would really love to know when you finish the first chapter. This has A LOT of potential.
- BookWolf
Thank you so much for reading this and then pointing out these errors! I would have never caught them on my own. I should be posting the first chapter later on tonight; I already have a few finished.
Thanks again!