Young Writers Society

Hi there!

My first impression: Violent.

The overarching story highlights the troubles between your sister (not sure whether this is based on a true story or not so I'm just going to go on the fact that it is for reviewing sake) and your concern for her and looking at the brute of a boyfriend she has.

I don't quite get the phrase "hence the word: their" and also "their" wants to be capitalized as it is after a colon.

The flow of this wasn't quite there, there was a LOT of full stops, and punctuation there, that could have been changed around and made different to make it flow better. Looking at grammar and punctuation; you need to remember spaces after full stops.

There are also a few spelling mistakes in here, with words that I'm sure you know how to spell properly. I think you need to read back through this properly and see what you've written, because there are a few mistakes, but small ones that are really simple that everyone makes! it just needs to be proofed

Next I would look at making the story flow and using more descriptive and colorful language.

But I like it! despite the fact that I disagree with the pretenses behind it.

-Cosmo

I really like this piece, beastly.


The sentence here is fragmentary. You can incorporate them into one sentence.
I really loved these sentences:

He glared at me before I grabbed his shoulders and slammed him into a nearby trophy case.The force of my blow scattered the glass under his sweating back. He fell into a wooden shelf that was nailed in the case. Tropies had gone crashing into the ground. None of that mattered. The prey was injured in front of me. Quickly, I surveyed the scene that layed in front of me. A wave of worry washed over me. But it quickly disappeared as I thought about all the pain that my sister had to go through with this jerk.

I really like this piece, beastly.

The story about a brother standing up for his sister is age old yet you gave it new light. It's a bit short and there aren't much descriptions. Also, the story progresses a bit too fast.

I got him alone. Finally.

The sentence here is fragmentary. You can incorporate them into one sentence.
I really loved these sentences:

He glared at me before I grabbed his shoulders and slammed him into a nearby trophy case.The force of my blow scattered the glass under his sweating back. He fell into a wooden shelf that was nailed in the case. Tropies had gone crashing into the ground. None of that mattered. The prey was injured in front of me. Quickly, I surveyed the scene that layed in front of me. A wave of worry washed over me. But it quickly disappeared as I thought about all the pain that my sister had to go through with this jerk.

Good Job on this piece.

I just don't understand what you were trying to say in the second sentence:
"She tries her hardest to keep their secret, hence the word: their."

And in this part:
"I swore to myself, I ever got that wastrel alone... I would kill him."
I think it there should be an if before the second "I".

...And that's it.