FEAR 2/17
It`s funny how fear can make you believe almost anything. I feared him, so I always believed the stupid lies claiming that he loved me and never do anything to hurt me.I paused just for a moment, my nightmares collecting in my mind. Then, I felt his cold pale bony fingers snake around the bare flesh of my forearm. My whole body tensed, waiting for the blow. The last blow that could possibly end my life
DALLY 2/18
He was supposed to be hard, tough, cold Dally. He had seen people murdered in front of him. Why did he have tears welling in his eyes now? It was just Johnny, our group pet, that the Socs had gotten to. Johnny was gone, they killed my best friend. Finally, I put two and two together. I have always thought that Dally didn`t love anything or anyone. Johnny was the only thing that Dally ever loved. Now Johnny was gone. That`s why Dally broke. He run off and no one had ever heard from him again. The police report told us the tragic story of Dally robbing a store then pointing a gun to the head of the clerk. He ran from everything that he had ever known. A life filled with murders and crimes. The police shot him down. Someone, who had witnessed the shooting, reported that Dally was dead before he even hit the ground. Some believed that Dally died a hero. I believed he died Dally. Dally wasn`t a hero, ever.
TERRIBLE THINGS 2/20
She said she couldn`t help but to notice me staring at her. I didn????????t feel ashamed by the fact because she was the most beautiful thing that I`ve ever seen. After that, we spent hours upon hours together, laughing at the stars and sharing everything. Love was a story that couldn`t compare. Finally, I asked her, ????????Girl, you know I love you so will you please marry me?That` s when she told me, ????????Boy, can I tell you a terrible thing? It seems that I`m sick and only have weeks. Please don`t be sad, now. I hope and I pray that God show you wonderful things.???????? I fell through the floor. THIS WASN`T TO HAPPEN!
CANCER 2/21
He was dying. Cancer had been eating him away slowly since that fall day when he started coughing up blood while playing baseball. My once strong brother was now weak and confined to his bed. This was going to be my last chance to tell him that I loved him though we often clashed about the cmall things. I entered the white, dim, somber room against my will. He lay cripple in the white sheets. He nagged at me about the scared look that I had instilled upon my face. Sometimes, I wish I had a mask to cover my fears every time I saw my brother without the live he had him a year ago. His head sunk into the pillow, he was dead. Out like a candle being blown. I forgot the three important words. I charged out of my room into the warm summer sun. I tossed my head back, gazing at the clear blue sky. I screamed to the heavens, ????????Bring him back! Bring my brother back! Take me instead!
MISSING 3/25
Beauty queen of only eighteen had some trouble with herself. That one sentence could describe my best friend, who is also the girl I have been chasing since birth. Birth, man! I was always there to help her she always belonged to someone else. Like the quarterback for the all-famous football team. Not the nerd sitting behind the computer screen. I hinted to her million times: knock on my window, knock on my door. I wanna make you feel beautiful. Never has she thought about kissing me. I missed her. I missed her smiles and amazing laughter. I knew her house in the pouring rain. Only if would have been me instead of him in the dark. Only if I was the hero.
DATE NIGHT 3/26
The date was not going well. It wasn`t even going at all. Only if call this a date. It was just sitting around for Chase to show his face. Even the waiter knew that he had blown me off. I known his parents are hard on him about being gay but he could have told his parents that he was going to see a couple friends. It was the truth, in a way. I was a friend of Chase`s, in a way. Finally, he busted through the glass doors just as I was gathering my things to leave. He started towards me, but I started towards the door. I wanted him to get the idea that he wasn`t forgiven that quickly. Not yet. I flew down the icy streets of Detroit with Chase at my heels calling my name, ????????Spencer! Spencer!???????? bounced off of the buildings. Then, I heard nothing at all. Not even the wind blowing. He was screaming my name because he needed my help! I raced back to the spot where I last heard my name being called. There, I witnessed my worst enemy beating my boyfriend to a pulp. Before Joe could see me, I ducked behind a nearby building and gathered my ice and one rock to destroy him. I aimed and fired my ice with a rock filling. Of course, it hit Joe right in the forehead. He crumpled to the ground, leaving Chase a chance to run into my awaiting arms. I had made myself shed tears over this boy so I`m not losing him. Not yet.
FOREVER GIRL 3/28
Dear ForeverGirl,
You`re my forever girl. All things are sad, just know. No matter what you do, I`ll be there for you. When the world starts bringing you down, I`ll be there to stop and lift you off the ground. `Cause we`ve got that thing people dream about and see on sliver screens. It`s undeniable, you`re the one for me. The only one for me. You`re my ForeverGirl. No matter what you do. You`re my ForeverGirl. And I believe in you. Yeah, I believe in you. You`re the apple of my eye, my American Pie. Light up my world Life. They say things change with time. But what they don`t know for sure. It won`t be you and I. Go head and scream, cuss me out `cause we`ll be making love before the sun goes down. No matter how angry or sad you can make me, it wouldn`t change a thing. You`re mine forever girl. No matter what you do.
Love,
Your Forever Boy
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there beastly361! Time to get this out of the Green Room!
So first thing, yeah, this needs spacing and paragraphs. Also the question marks (which I assume is another formatting issue).
I agree with the previous review that the transitions could use some improvement. One second, this Dally guy is dying, then there's some girl, then his brother has cancer and dies, then he's pining for some girl dating the quarterback? Way too much going on for such a small space.
Okay, what is this? At first I thought this was saying the girl had cancer. Then I found out the brother had cancer and I was like what? Then I Googled it and realized it was a song quote. It's okay to use song quotes in a story. I liked how you used the lines from "She Will Be Loved" later. However, PLEASE mark them clearly with quotes or italics and attribute them. Otherwise, it looks like you're claiming it as your own, which is plagiarism.
Overall, there's an okay story line here, but it needs reformatting and less strange transitions. Welcome to YWS and keep writing!
ETA: I loved the title, it was probably my favorite part.
I've had division problems before; I feel your pain. It helped when I switched from internet explorer to google chrome, but I think other search engines would work just the same.
I love the Outsiders. One of the greatest novels ever written.
The first part confuses me slightly; usually we don't trust what we fear. Maybe change that a bit?
I love the part about Dally dying Dally. So true. Beautiful.
I feel like the journal entries have to be more frequent; you skip a lot of stuff in between and while it's an interesting way of writing; with only flashes into the dude's life, it's also kind of jarring and it doesn't give the reader time to know the characters before their gone so it's harder to sympathize with Spencer about it. I mean, the reader doesn't even know about his brother until he's dying of cancer, or Chase until he's dating the main character. The bits and pieces are good, but I don't feel like they're connected enough. I kind of liked it when you incorporated 'she will be loved' into the text, with the character's analytics on it, but I didn't feel like you exrapolated enough on the second song, so i wish you'd add to that too.
Awesome piece. I salute you fellow Outsiders fan.
I'll be honest, I didn't even bother to read this, not because it doesn't look as though it's worth reading but because it is one giant wall of text that makes my ADD go haywire. It's so daunting that I can't even really *make* myself read it.
My advice is to break this up into paragraphs; sometimes the site will take those divisions away, so make sure to preview your story before you submit!
If you split it up into sections and such, I'll be more than happy to review, so just let me know!