Published October 15, 2008
THIS IS A REAL LIFE THING.
CHAPTER ONE
I woke up one morning still feeling tired. I got up slowly and got ready for school. My school was miles from where I lived but I often walked to school because of my dads strict regime and that was when I met "him". Ok, I didn't meet "him", he met me. I was running as usual when he called out to me saying I dropped my pen, I took it thanking him gratefully and since then we never looked back but things were just about to get complicated.
CHAPTER TWO
I always knew he was good looking but I never mentioned it to "him", lots of girls often found any opportunity given to talk to him but he never took any of that seriously till Fran-the daughter of a bitch came along.
Fran was beautiful, blonde, long legs and absolutely good physique, she did also get a lot of attention from the boys but I never expected "him" to also be interested. First of all Fran was quite a proud and vain person and I tried to point it out to "him" but he just called me jealous.
Soon they both were hanging out and it was like I wan't his friend any more, I was lonely and sad so I started to hang out with the jocks as well but things were just about to get more complicated.
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Umm alright, well this seems to be some sort of diary entry based situation of sorts. I would at least hope so because if this is meant to genuinely be a story that's just meant to be going in a normal chapter by chapter basis, this tiny part here does not qualify to be a chapter by itself at all. Its not a bad part, if I were to get into to the story itself I'd say this is quite a nice scene actually with what seems like it is quite a sweet memory there but its simply to short to ever stand completely on its own as a whole chapter.
Okay well that took a turn I suppose. This one does a bit better in terms of being substantial enough to be a chapter but its still too small I have to say, and well I think you need to take a second look at both of these and decide what you really want to try and highlight and bring it to life with a bit more substance to it. As they both stand now, they seem like sort of bullet points detailing a plot that seems like it could really make for an interesting story but they don't really work as the first two chapters of said story.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Oh thank you all. However, it is not really a story you see, it's more like somthing I wanted to get of my chest.
However, Thank you all for your comments.
Its a good start but really it needs expanding alot, its much to short. I'm sorry to go over that point again coz i think every one has.
I just picked up a couple of small thing as i was reading;
firstly 'absolutely good'?? you build that up using absolutely then it is kind of a let down using good. Maybe try fantastic or perfect there.
and secondly
the first part of the last sentence (which i've emboldened) isn't right- im not sure what it is but something is wrong and it doesn't flow. Also take the the 'and' out making that two sentences
Have a good think about the story and where you want it to go, then revise and expand this first part.
Keep Writing
Titch x
This could be a potentially good story but you just need to EXPAND. Detail absolutely EVERYTHING. If this is written from your POV this should be easy because it's YOUR mind and YOUR experiences.
Good luck!
-Carly
Too short my dear! You can't have a short paragraph as a whole chapter...well you can...but I just don't like it! Lol! At least I'm honest!
You're punctuation is lacking in the following parts....
The end of this sentence just isn't right. I'd make it a statement on its own...
It's boring to be honest, and quite stereotypically written....the opening line doesn't suck you in at all...had it have been longer, I would't have bothered reading it if you kept it in this style... will help if you want...PM me if you need me
Aw people please reviwe or at least say something.
Ok first to review. Is this some kind of Biography or what, I read and It was quite interestint but can you please make it longer and check your punctuation.
THANK YOU