I remember the day when I noticed how big your eyes were.
The sky was blue that day – the adolescent kind, where the
clouds were bouncy and reckless and the wind giggled at me as it
passed. You smiled at me, and your eyes did too, and I found myself
wondering how I’d ever missed them before. They were the color
of my dresser with sunbeams draped along the top. I knew I could
trust you then, because even with that grin sprawled across your face
your eyes were open enough to hold my reflection.
Sometime after that I noticed your hair. It was flighty and sandy and
god-awful at all kinds of conformity. So were you. That was the day
that you whispered your insecurities to me under a star-cloaked sky.
You tied them with bows and tripped over your own feet as you
presented them to me sheepishly. I only laughed and helped you
untangle them all.
Your nose shortly followed suit, as did countless other traits and
features I wish I could just do away with now. They aren’t of
much use anymore.
As much as I try not to, I remember the day you left, too.
It would be fitting, I’ve decided, if that day turned out to be
grey. Then again, things are hardly ever fitting, so I’ve
decided again and deemed it a brilliant orange.
To be completely honest, I don’t know what color the sky was
that day. I was looking at you instead. Your Bambi eyes wouldn’t
look back.
Later on, you tried to pretend things were the way they used to be –
when I noticed how big your eyes were and when the wind did more than
just whistle. I don’t know if you ever convinced yourself of
that, but you tried like hell. Your hair was that same kind of wild,
and your laugh was still childish and uncontrollable. You always
smiled, just like old times. It was me, I suppose.I just couldn’t seem to find my reflection anymore.
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140,662 Literary Works • 673,584 Reviews
After reading this piece, i'm overwhelming with a great sense of nostalgia. I think that you did an excellent job of providing details, showing in your writing, as opposed to just telling. The sensory details you gave the reader allowed us to create powerful mental imagery, so huge props to you on that; it made the story come alive. I also love the connection you made between the emotions and the color of the sky. The parallel between these subject definitely serves to strengthen your writing, and I enjoyed the unexpected twist you put when you said that the sky would be orange on the day you and your lover split. To end, I really enjoy how you wrote just enough for the reader to imagine the story, your word choice gave room for the words to breath.
After reading this piece, i'm overwhelming with a great sense of nostalgia. I think that you did an excellent job of providing details, showing in your writing, as opposed to just telling. The sensory details you gave the reader allowed us to create powerful mental imagery, so huge props to you on that; it made the story come alive. I also love the connection you made between the emotions and the color of the sky. The parallel between these subject definitely serves to strengthen your writing, and I enjoyed the unexpected twist you put when you said that the sky would be orange on the day you and your lover split. To end, I really enjoy how you wrote just enough for the reader to imagine the story, your word choice gave room for the words to breath.
Thank you for the review! I'm really glad that this piece made you feel more than read - that was my intention.
Thanks for stopping by to take a look!
Hi there, Sagitta here to review this beautiful work.
What Was Great?
- The description. The description is very detailed and thoughtful, especially the use of metaphors, similes and the like. You've included a lot of sensory details in this - you've made full use of senses to help create vivid images and this isn't something that comes naturally.
- The plot. This short story doesn't have a very set-in-stone plot, but I love it all the same. Seeing someone fall through someone else's eyes is a very powerful thing and you've written it well. Using those senses also helps connect the reader with both the narrator and the people you're describing.
What Needs Improving
- The only thing I'd say that needs improving is the length of your sentences. We're all guilty of it - having a sentence that's too long or even too short. I am quite the criminal when it comes to long sentences, but there are many ways to fix this. I'd suggest reading this page - it applies more to novel writing and such, but it could be of use to you.
Remove any unneeded words such as adverbs, repeated adjectives etc., use smaller groups of words in place of longer phrases... However, having longer sentences doesn't jar your writing here. In fact, you've made it flow very nicely!
Overall, I loved this. It shows both sides of the story, with beautiful description and a plot that makes the reader imagine. Well done to you!
-Sagi
Thank you so much for this review - I found it incredibly helpful!! I'll definitely keep that page in mind for future reference, as I'm a HUGE sucker for long sentences. Thank you so much for reading!
No problem, it was worth the read! I'm glad I could help ^^
Whoa. Speechless. Wow. That last sentence. Gawd. My heart.
This was one hell of a short story, able to bring out the sense of love, happiness and positive feelings as well as turn the tables in an instant and stabbing me in the heart. Gawd, that last sentence! I just couldn't find my reflection anymore. It was so nonchalant while being so ferocious and grieving at the same time.
The structure was just nice. Not too long and not too short for this intended short story I suppose. The style, simple and to the point.
Forget all those. What this piece made me feel was genuine. I think I can relate a few (I transferred). The feelings given by your work. Wow.
Oh wow, thank you so much! I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say to follow up that wonderful review haha. You left me speechless too!
Thank you so so much for taking the time to read!
In all seriousness, I am incredibly grateful for these kind words.