Published March 21, 2005
I believe everyone can
Have an opinion on the matter.
I used to be idealistic and what's called a romantic
But that was before.
It was quite ironic.
I worried about high school
Boyfriends, makeup, PMS.
Everything...
I used to think about dying.
I bet between cancer and old age.
My naivete was amazing.
I didn't think to put
A Friday night joy ride on the ticket.
The ER doctor told my parents
I died instantly.
"No pain, " he said.
Pain?
What is pain?
Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
Through a windshield.
Agony is landing on the asphalt,
Twenty feet away.
I lay there for five seconds,
As Time slowly spun its way
Out of my reality.
I could almost feel
As my memories
Dimmed like a candle
At the bottom of its wax.
A final breath of air,
And the flame wavered into oblivion.
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140,223 Literary Works • 673,046 Reviews
Great. Kind of mystical and Alice-in-Wonerlandy, with the way the narrator tells her story, like she doesn't realize ishe's truly died yet, or simply can't comprehend it. My favorite line was "Pain? What is pain? Pain is merely a jab in one's flesh." Creepy, but good-creepy. I too would say to take out the last two lines. The poem is better without them. They make the ending drag on to far.
I agree, and think that maybe it's mainly the third line that makes it this way. It's WAY longer than the rest. Sometimes when I write a poem I count the number of syllables in each line, and try and make it the same for each stanza. Obviously, this won't always work, and some poems don't need it anyway, but it helps me realise which lines should be longer or shorter.
7, 9, 16, 5
6, 7, 7, 3
8, 9, 8, 6, 10
9, 5, 4, 1, 3, 8, 6, 4, 10, 5
7, 7, 7, 5, 5, 5, 7, 6, 11
I didn't like that the stanzas got longer and longer. I think that the longer stanzas could be spilt up. For example:
A new stanza could begin mid-way, with "Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh". I think it would be an effective break.
The next stanza is a hard one to call - maybe a new stanza could start with "As my memories".
Things I Liked:
- the poem in general
- the paragraph about pain
- the capital 'T' in 'time' (was that done on purpose?)
- the use of simile in the last stanza
- the ending
Things That Could Be Improved:
- the first stanza
- the long stanzas
- the line "I could almost feel" in the last stanza
Overall, I loved this poem. This is a really long critique, but I still love it!
I think the last line would work better as:
"The flame wavering into oblivion" since it makes the effect of it more immediate.
The opening was awkward, but he poem after that really caught a momentum of its own and it just got better and better; the fourth stanza being the best written. The fifth stanza was really good as well, and the final four lines finish the poem off superbly.
Overall, very well done.
It's a good piece, but I don't know how to help you with your ending. The only thing that I can suggest is to take out the last two lines.
But it was a really great poem. I enjoyed reading it. Keep writing. Maybe an ending will just come to you.