Hey there.
There's a lot of different ideas going on here so let's just roll over all the technical issues to start with. The main thing sticking out to me in that category is punctuation and capitalization. For capitalization, I am of course going to recommend that you cut down on the amount of lights starting with a cap. Poetry is allowed to start a line with an undercase letter and in most cases, it usually works better into the presentation of the piece.
Also wrapped up in the presentation of this piece is the structure, where the stanza and line lengths are jumping around just as much as the poem. Those two are pretty interconnected due to the way this is designed, so a recommendation for this structure would be to split the stanzas and shuffle the ideas a bit.
Then there's punctuation, which only seems to exist when you want it to. But there definitely needs to be more to create a better flow and coherency in the poem. For instance, let's look at the first stanza, which is essential in creating the first impression of the piece.
Are you really going to care
How you died?
After you're dead?
I'm currently not getting a very good feel for the piece based on the first thing I see and I'm pretty lenient as a poetry mod. Instead of having this as two separate sentences, to keep the idea together, it's best to combine it to one and that would look something like this.
Are you really going to care,
how you died
after you're dead?
The wording is still affecting the flow a bit but that's not something that I can easily fix with just one review.
Then I just want to take a look at the final line, since everything in the middle was just fading in and out. That's also a sign that you need to work on the actual content rather than just bsing a way through it.
A final breath of air,
And the flame wavered into oblivion.
I'm looking for more uniform lines so I would probably recommend a formatting to look something like this.
A final breath of air,
and the flame wavered
into oblivion.
Still not quite right but feels better than before.
That's all I've got for today.
Happy revmo.
- Lizz
Points: 650
Reviews: 766
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