Published March 29, 2005
Are you really going to care
How you died?
After you're dead?
It doesn't make sense
To worry so much.
I did.
High school, boyfriends, PMS.
College, marriage, finances.
Cancer, arthritis.
Anything in whatever
Stage of life
I daydreamed about.
I worried about.
I even thought about dying.
What would it feel like?
When would it happen?
In my naive bubble,
I bet between cancer and old age.
Ironic...
I never thought to put a
Friday night joyride on the ticket.
The ER doctor told my parents
I died instantly.
"No pain," he said.
Pain?
What is pain?
Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
Through a windshield.
Agony is landing in a
Crunching heap on the asphalt,
Twenty feet away.
I lay for five seconds,
As Time slowly spun
from my reality.
I could almost feel
As my memories dimmed
Like a candle
At the bottom of its wax.
A final breath of air,
And the flame wavered into oblivion.
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Canary word: Present
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139,531 Literary Works • 672,600 Reviews
Hey there.
There's a lot of different ideas going on here so let's just roll over all the technical issues to start with. The main thing sticking out to me in that category is punctuation and capitalization. For capitalization, I am of course going to recommend that you cut down on the amount of lights starting with a cap. Poetry is allowed to start a line with an undercase letter and in most cases, it usually works better into the presentation of the piece.
Also wrapped up in the presentation of this piece is the structure, where the stanza and line lengths are jumping around just as much as the poem. Those two are pretty interconnected due to the way this is designed, so a recommendation for this structure would be to split the stanzas and shuffle the ideas a bit.
Then there's punctuation, which only seems to exist when you want it to. But there definitely needs to be more to create a better flow and coherency in the poem. For instance, let's look at the first stanza, which is essential in creating the first impression of the piece.
I'm currently not getting a very good feel for the piece based on the first thing I see and I'm pretty lenient as a poetry mod. Instead of having this as two separate sentences, to keep the idea together, it's best to combine it to one and that would look something like this.
The wording is still affecting the flow a bit but that's not something that I can easily fix with just one review.
Then I just want to take a look at the final line, since everything in the middle was just fading in and out. That's also a sign that you need to work on the actual content rather than just bsing a way through it.
I'm looking for more uniform lines so I would probably recommend a formatting to look something like this.
Still not quite right but feels better than before.
That's all I've got for today.
Happy revmo.
- Lizz
Shouldn't this be in the narrative poetry section?
I really liked this part:
"Pain?
What is pain?
Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
Through a windshield.
Agony is landing in a
Crunching heap on the asphalt,
Twenty feet away. "
The rest of the poem was good as well. It seemed kind of squished together at parts, like the ER doctor part. Or maybe it's just me...