Sunsets
We sit watching a sunset
with onlya sliver of red sun
remaining above the water as it sets
behind the endless sea.
It reminds me of him
slitting his wrists in the bathtub,
and his blood floats
on the surface of the water.
And us sitting here watching...
It is as though we are shamelessly allowing it to happen.
Maybe we are the cause of his pain.
We sit watching a sunset
with the sun slowly sinking
behind the vast mountain tops.
The light dissapears, and has vanished.
It reminds me of him,
his pained and heavy heart
sinking deeper, forgetting the light,
oppressed too heavy with heartache.
And us sitting here observing...
It is as though we are hopelessly allowing it to hapen.
Maybe we are the cause of his grief.
I sit after a sunset,
darkness all around me,
yearning for the glow to light my forgotten path.
The possibility of there not being a tomorrow
fills my heart with grief and sorrow.
And me, sitting here, waiting...
Maybe he is the cause of my pain.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi there! Welcome to YWS! I'm June!
This was such a sweet, sad poem. I really like the emotion you're putting in this with words.
One thing!:
You need a space between only and a.
-
I know you're playing with imagery here, but, is it really possible for blood to float? Wouldn't it like... blend in with the water? Try to keep your ideas in order, dear.
Also! You're giving us a nice piece here, but it's seemingly like... the aftermath. What's causing this pain? Aren't you going to give us anything to slightly base this upon? He didn't have any hidden pains? Give us something more, dear.
**
Read this aloud! Make sure it flows as you read, dear. You want to make sure that your work will flow fluently for your readers
You did a really good job here. You created a beautiful setting and you set the emotional tone perfectly. Great job!
June
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! You'll have much joy here. If you have any question about anything just PM me.
So, on to your review!
I like this. I particulary liked the first stanza. To me, it was the best one, and probably the more tragic one. This is going to be a quick review because I'm goign to class and I have French text. So, the second stanza is confusing, because on the first one you mention the susnset setting on the water and on the second one you say it's behind the mountains. So, if your point was to just change scenery that make it more obvious. if not choose one of the sceneries.
I did not found any grammar or punctutation mistakes but I'll make a more detailed review after my text.
*Kat*
This work was deeply emotional, as if you diddnt already know that hah.
Overall the piece had beautiful imagery concerning the details about the pain and suffering of the male character mentioned, and all of that juxtaposed with the concept of an odd peace brought about by something which in itself brings about so many memories and visuals of horrible sorrow.
I liked it all throuhg, yes there were a few errors here and there, but nothing a quick scan through cant fix.
Keep it up, cant wait for more!
You will have to forgive me, but I am an error and typo freak.
So there are a few of those here and there.
Other than that, I think this is purely amazing!
I love the them for this.
Sunsets are so beautiful!
"I think the nest thing to do, is try to make your stanzas the same size, such as:
We sit watching a sunset
with the sun slowly sinking
behind the vast mountain tops.
The light dissapears, and has vanished.
It reminds me of him,
his pained and heavy heart
sinking deeper, forgetting the light.
Right here <--- You can make this a whole new stanza.
oppressed too heavy with heartache.
And us sitting here observing...
It is as though we are hopelessly allowing it to hapen.
Maybe we are the cause of his grief."
Forgive me if I said anything too harsh.
Great job!