I felt this was all a fairy-tale
All this.. a glamorous show
there were many things beneath the superficial
which i didn't know
you used to come for me
unlike now
but i couldn't look beneath
your masked flaws
I left you all alone
broke my promise of the protective support
I filled your days with gloom and sorrow
and with angry and irritated tones
you used to laugh
and still you do
but there is a lot of difference
between the two
I'd bled your heart out
and now bleeds mine
snuggle it back in your arms!
you know its thine..
so many words unsaid
so many emotions unexpressed
but now they are buried deep beneath
under the soil of desolation and dread
I thought i was
but i am not
nor will i ever
be good enough for you
but now i promise you!
trust me once more..
I will make it all anew
and this time it'll be for true..
I am dying without my part
Its tough for me to breathe
please come back baby!
you know that I am weak..
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey vrinda! Dogs here with your review for the day.. but first can I say.... CUTE DOGS PICTURES UNITE!!!! Woot woot! Anywho.... This is a very good piece. Strong in emotion and props to you for being able to put your emotion into words which is not an easy task at all. Although there are a few things still wrong here:
Firstly, I think you should capitalize all of the letters at the beginning of your sentences unless you are meaning to do that. Also you should add some more punctuation such as commas and periods and semi colons and all that jazz. Personally i hate grammar but it does make your poem sound better in the end. Also, capitalize all those "I"! Either capitalize all the I's or none of the I's.
Furthermore, although this poem is really good, the flow and rhythm is really off in several places. The first stanza is excellent but in the 3rd line of the 1st stanza:
"There were many things beneath the superficial"
Great line... But it is to long. It throws off the rhythm you had going so well. Same problem in the 3rd stanza lines 2-4.
Finally, you use a lot of really simple, overused, everyday words. Try to mix it up a bit! Broaden your vocab! If you are having troubles doing this then i suggest you go on a thesaurus and look up one of these simple words and choose a better word from the list. It makes your poem 10 times better trust me!
Well this is really good idea for a poem but it is still missing some things, it has a huge amount of potential. Keep up the good work!!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh
I quite liked this, but there were a few issues. First of all poetry needs punctuation now like stories. Even if you how it reads others don't. I very much like this but agree with Zaid, the second stanza is weak. You also need to pick the level of language you use, meaning you can't go from "thine" and "anew" to "baby" it throws the poem off. Most of the language you showed here sounded educated so I recommend changing the line "please come back baby". Otherwise I loved this, keep writing!
Very nicely done. The start was superb ! but the second stanza missed out a bit , though the rest made up for it.
There's also a small grammatical mistake.
Zaid.