Topic: The mssg i wasn't supposed to see.
That day it was a rainy night. I was late - again. I have been coming late because of work and it was exhausting. I really don't like working but I have because I want to start a studio and I can't achieve my dream because of my exhaustion. Also it was not the only thing I was working for. I had a wonderful woman. We meet at a wedding and i really glad meet her
She is a homemaker though but I don't mind. Because she is giving her Best. That's what I was thinking… but I was wrong because
That rainy night when I entered my house. I was wet and I called her name
She came looking exhausted. I noticed her eyes were lazy and her shoulder were tried but she was still smiling which made me smile. But I didn't ignore her tiredness. I changed my clothes than we are I had already told her that she can eat before me but she says “I like eating with you” which melts my heart everytime. after dinner we washed the dishes than she went to bath. And that was the time i heard a notification on her phone. I thought it's was her friend i locked but it wasn't. I saw an unknown number and my heart sank. I was not thinking anything bad but I just opened her message which I wasn't supposed to see.
I read that and my hand started shaking I was terrified
Terrified of why she was hiding it. At the same time she walked out of the bathroom she was drying her hair from a towel she saw me she asked “did anyone called”.
I looked at her and my eyes were red. She saw them
She walked towards me. I lifted mine to her. She stopped.
A tear came from my eyes. I wiped it. She called my name
“i was going to tell you” she said in hesitation. I looked at her I was so angry
I shouted “WHEN !!” she lowered her eyes. “I ASKED WHEN !!” I started crying. “When..” my voice softened. “When u would have died” she looked at me her eyes wet “i really…” she said
“NO!!!” i shouted
“You cheater.. we promised to leave beside each other till death and… you were planning to leave because you have Cancer”
She looked away hiding her eyes.
I lowered her phone
The message was from the doctor that she had cancer and she had to take it seriously.
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Hi there!
This is an interesting and emotional premise for a short story. The protagonist thinks he is being cheated on, but finds out that his wife actually has cancer. It's very sad. However, the story has a lot of issues that hindered my reading and could be improved to make it even more impactful!
First, for some reason, some of it is centred in the middle, while some is in the usual left alignment. It made it tricky to read, so I would align everything to the left.
Secondly, there are a lot of grammar issues. I've tried to outline them below in the hopes it will help you improve!
I think you should write 'message' here, rather than shortening it. And 'I' should always be capitalised!
You contradict yourself here; you say day, but also that it's night. Maybe just say 'it was a rainy night'
I think this is too much telling. Maybe you could describe why exactly they were late that day; did something in the office hold them back?
Again, this is way too much 'telling' where you really want to show. Why not have a scene where they are at work, and show what is exhausting them? Also, be careful 'don't' is slipping into present tense when the story is in past tense. It should be 'didn't'
The grammar is not quite right here. It should be: 'We met at a wedding, and I was really glad I met her.'
best doesn't need to be capitalised here.
either you cut off the restof the sentence after 'because' or you meant to put that on the same line, in which case 'That' doesn't need a capital T
You're slipping into present tense again. 'She was a homemaker, but I didn't mind, because she was giving it her best.'
should be 'shoulders' and 'tired'
This doesn't really make sense. I think maybe you mean: I changed my clothes, and though I had already told her that she could eat before me, she said, “I like eating with you”, which melted my heart every time.'
Should be a capital at the start of the sentence. Also, 'she went to bath' -- in my country, there is a city called Bath! I don't think that's where she went. I think you mean she went to have a bath. So, corrected, it would be: After dinner, we washed the dishes, then she went to have a bath.
Usually, we don't start sentences with 'and'. Maybe: Then, I heard a notification on her phone.
Again, the grammar isn't quite right here. It should be more like: I thought it was her friend, but when I looked, it wasn't.
Again, grammar needs correcting here. The correct way would be something like: At the same time, she walked out of the bathroom, drying her hair with a towel. She saw me; she asked, “Did anyone call?”
remember to capitalise 'I'
every time there is a new speaker, it needs to be on a new line. There again is some grammar problems here, and you should say 'you' and not just a shortened version. I'm not to clear on who is saying some of these lines.
no need to state the message here, we already know this, and it lessens the imact.
Keep writing!
Hi! So I thought your story was very good, I just have a few notes!
Firstly there were some errors with grammar and sentence structure. I struggle with fhis myself so I totally get it, but some words of your sentences were mixed up like “did anyone called?”so I would just be a little more careful when rereading your work. Also for the line, “when u would have died.” It would suit your story better to write out “you.”
This is one big tip that has really helped me with my own writing: vary your sentence structure. Let me explain. Go from long sentences and short sentences within your paragraph a few times. Vary your punctuation—like em dashes and commas. I tried to make this paragraph a good example. It seems difficult, but once you get the hang of it it can really enhance your writing!
The entrance was a bit clunky too. Opening stories is really hard and it’s honestly something you need to practice a lot with to get it! But the biggest tip I can have you write down is cut down on the exposition, we don’t need to know everything about your main characters life from the start.
Also, at the end of your story you say, “The message was from the doctor that she had cancer so she had to take it seriously.” This sentence isn’t necessary and actually waters down the dramatic twist. By this point the reader has assumed the cancer message was from the doctor, you don’t need to tell us.
On the same note, the cancer twist was very clever! I totally fell for the cheating gimmick.
I know I just criticized you a lot, and I know that can be very disheartening but let me tell you that the most important thing about writing is sitting down and doing it. You took this story out of your head and created it! That’s a big step! I’m really excited to see how your writing will progress in the future! It takes time, but trust me it’s worth it!
Hey! Thanks for stopping by my work too 😊 I just read "The mssg I wasn't supposed to see" and I'm still sitting with it.
The part that got me was "I like eating with you," which "melts my heart everytime." It's such a small, everyday detail, and it makes the cancer reveal hurt more, because suddenly the shared dinner means something else. 🥺 I also loved that his shouting turns into grief.
"WHEN.." going soft into "When u would have died" is the most real moment in the piece, and "you cheater... we promised to leave beside each other till death" is a heartbreaking way to say he's angry she was going to go alone. For a second I even believed the cheating guess, so the twist worked on me. 😶
The nitpicks, since you'd probably want them 😅 the opening spends a lot of time on his job, the studio dream, and how exhausted he is, and then that thread never comes back, so I'd either trim it or tie it into the ending. A bunch of small slips also pulled me out: "than" where you mean "then" (a few times), "tried" for "tired," "I locked" for "I looked," "She came looking exhausted" appearing right after he says he's exhausted too, and "I lowered her phone" confused me, since I couldn't tell if he picked it up or put it down. The last line also explains the reveal flatly, right after the dialogue already told us. I'd end on her looking away, hiding her eyes, because that image says it all.
The core idea is strong, and it reads like it comes from somewhere real. I'd read more from you. ✨