Published August 11, 2026
Pain destroyed in the darkness
No air needed, breath expired
Gentle void reveals the starkness
Heartless feeding, body mired
Eons passed, to silence waken
Cold pale gaze, a lovers lost
Shadows cast, reality shaken
Mind's a haze, among the frost
Searching now, drowned in hope
Treachery waits, suspicion lit
Cannot allow, bound with rope
Invoke the fates, permission writ
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138,660 Literary Works • 672,196 Reviews
hiiii a very happy and very late Team Tortoise to you tonight! Your poem lyrics? caught my eye.
I like the use of commas in some places. I think in some places it hurts the rhythm/thought being conveyed. This is a place where I think it hurts the flow of it when reading.
This is another example where O think removing the comma would help with glow. It's a very connective thought, so cutting it with a comma feesl misplaced.
I really like this line. Very ethereal and ancient feeling.
Minds needs an apostraphe.
Idk why but I always love the use of fates and phrasing like Invoke the Fates. Writ also does a good job of giving that older feeling.
Overall, I love the rhyming scheme. Very tight and well done as far as i could tell. I like this back and forth of wanting and fear. It's another of several poems I've seen with this tug of war. I really liked it!
~Messy