all through middle school we were all tighter than i dont even know what. that is; Cole, Olivia, and I. i'm sure you wouldnt find any three who were closer than us. we did everything together! never apart. but, in eigth grade olivia became a cheerleader... she slowly drifted away. cole started playing football... he drifted away also... they both just kinda went up and ditched me. but, i got myself, pride, all that good stuff. now we were all juniors. at the same school. Cole and I even had a class together. we never ever talked though. it was just to akward... and now here i am sitting on the side of the road in my brokedown jeep. and just when i was almost asleep i heard a loud honk and then a car pulled over. who in the...? oh. my. god. was that..? cole..? he hopped out of his toyota tacoma. his boots giving a little thud as they hit the red clay. wow. i had never noticed but... no, no, no! quit! he hurt you.. he left. dont let him off easy.. i told myself this as he approached my window. when he got there he gave that little smirk. the one that mad my stomach twist. his sandy blond hair fell over his forhead a little and those deep deep brown eyes looked at me. i just sat there. and then i rolled the window down. i wasnt gonna break this silence..
"umm.. do you need a ride?' cole asked.
"no. im just sitting here by choice." i smartly replied. i told you i wasnt letting him off easy.
" come on, alli. " he opened my door and waited for me to climb out. i loved how he was demanding. ughhh. stopppp! i hopped off but just stood there and looked at him. my hands tucked in my pockets. and i leaned against my jeep. he looked down at me. i almost got to overwhelmed with tears but calmed myself. i missed him so, so, so much. noone would ever know..
" so, did your jeep breakdown?" he asked when we got into his brand new tacoma. it was pretty stunning.
"no dip sherlock. " i replied. still giving him heck after what i went through...
" youve changed.'
'i'm suprised you even remember what I used to be like." i just stared ahead. he didnt reply right away. and then out of nowhere he aske, "coffee?'
i just nodded once and sighed. this was going to be a oong
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,856 Reviews
Hey,
You seem kind of new, so I'm going to say "Welcome" even if you've been here a few months.
First, a lot of people on this site won't even read your work without proper capitization, punctuation, all that fun grammar stuff. It's annoying to read.
Second, that's too bad because this was pretty good. Normally I don't like such an informal tone but it works here.
Now, I'm just gonna go ahead a nitpick your piece to death.
Very nice start. I'm going to sum up problems.
1. GRAMMAR. Work on the easy stuff we've known since first grade. People can help you with the hard stuff.
It's tiresome to have to correct obvious things. As you can see, I quit half way through.
2. Repittion. It's tiresome and chunky and boring. It bogs the plot down.
3. Consistancy. At one point you main character is giving Cole a hard time, the next she's about to cry.
4. Sentence diversity. Your sentences are the same length and style. Try making them longer and combining like instead of "And then I rolled the window down. I wasn']t gonna break this silence..." try, "And then I rolled slowly rolled the window down, still unwilling to break the awkward silence that had fallen between us three years ago."
5. Stating the obvious. Instead of saying, "He did this. She did that" and TELLING us about their personalities, try SHOWING us with scenes and tiny actions that tell us a lot. For example, "Cole walked up to the car, but I refused to turn around, instead I watched him approach with confident strides in my side mirror. I turned my head away when he peered into the window and gritted my teeth when he tapped on the glass. "Need some help?""
Otherwise, your storyline is nice if a bit obvious. (Surprise me!) Your main character and your tone are likeable which is half the battle, and you have an idea your audience can relate to. Basically, you have the cake. YWS will help you ice it.
I hope this helped. PM me if you ever need another review, Megsug
Hi Bamaisme...
Hm... seriously, I love how you act as if the reader were a close friend. xD But you certainly have to check out your grammar.
1. Sentences should always start with uppercase, and of course end with a period, but you already know that.
2. I's should always be uppercases if you're using them as a pronoun.
3. Every name should start with uppercase. (Including Toyota Tacoma)
3. When you mention yourself in the predicate you should say "me", instead of "I".
4. Never forget apostrophes in words like, "Don't. Isn't. Aren't. Etc."
There's only one thing I have to tell you now: it seems like you have potential to make stories catchy, but you need to work with your grammar. Making your pieces look professional will help you a lot, and I'm sure you'll do great.
Best of luck! You keep it up, kid.
P.S. What is an 'oong'?
~Solly<3