Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
The wind picked up outside the crypts of the castle. A man in armor was hurrying towards the crypts, his dark hair matted with blood and gore. He was no older than forty, his eyes a stark blue in comparison to his hair. He looked… afraid. Wounded. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.
As he reached the crypt's entrance, he pushed open the heavy wooden door. As he had run here, he had the rushed, erratic footsteps behind him. He knew this might be where he would make his final stand against him. The sword had to be kept safe. He rushed down the dirty clay and stone steps to the tombs of the kings before him. He passed many sarcophagi, one being his father’s. He touched the worn limestone bearing the engraving of his father’s face and name, even through the torches were unlit and the air was stale and the stone chamber was dark.
The man turned as he heard a loud, bone rattling bang reverberate around the crypts. He moved towards the unfinished limestone resting place for another king. He held his broadsword in his hands tightly getting ready for the deadly fight that would ensue from facing the man coming into the crypts.
“Arthur! You can’t hide behind your decayed father! You aren’t a boy anymore!” The man shouted maliciously to the man, Arthur, below him in the crypts. This man sounded… cruel. Almost like he was enjoying hunting down this Arthur.
“I will NOT hide from protecting my kingdom and my people! Especially when it’s from you, Mordred!” Arthur said loudly, flicking his head to get the dripping wet hair out of his face. He looked around, waiting for Mordred’s next curse to shake the dust down in the crypts. If he wasn’t careful… he’d take the whole castle with him…
He could hear Mordred’s footsteps on the stone floor approaching. “Oh, Arthur… Bringing that sword here… If I had that… Well… Your throne would really be mine!” Mordred gave Arthur a sickening smirk. Arthur in return looked protective. Not possessive. Not insane. He looked calm, but still ready to move at a moment’s notice.
Then Mordred lunged at Arthur, and the armored Arthur, a king, swung his sword at his attacker. He looked ready to kill now for his kingdom, to protect his kingdom, his people, his crown, from a madman, Arthur kept defending himself from Mordred, both from his sword and his magic.
“Stop this Mordred! You can’t take my crown or my kingdom!” Arthur said. He was trying to distract him. Keep him back. Bring him down.
Then he figured out how. He moved, chanting something, drawing a circle around him himself quickly, and struck the sword into the rock of the floor. Both of them were blown back, Arthur into his unfinished grave and Mordred into the stone steps. The dust settled to show a dead king, and a dead usurper.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! Just here to drop a review
Just reminding you that these are all just suggestions and you are in no way forced to listen.
"He touched the worn limestone bearing the engraving of his father’s face and name, even through the torches were unlit and the air was stale and the stone chamber was dark." I think you meant though, not through. Also, this has a lot of words, even though they are all detail. Maybe you could rephrase it to "even though the torches were until and the air was stale in the stone chamber." The fact that it is dark is implied with the torches being unlit.
"He held his broadsword in his hands tightly getting ready for the deadly fight that would ensue from facing the man coming into the crypts." Him facing the man who is entering is obvious so maybe you could just leave it at "for the deadly fight that was brewing."
"The man shouted maliciously to the man, Arthur, below him in the crypts." Since you have cleared up that his name is Arthur, I don't think you need to repeat it again here.
"If he wasn’t careful… he’d take the whole castle with him…" The ellipsis doesn't work the first time. I would change that to a comma and leave the second one only.
"Then Mordred lunged at Arthur, and the armored Arthur, a king, swung his sword at his attacker." You never really specified the encounter. I thought Arthur was still hidden and I was surprised when Mordred lunged at him. Maybe you should put a small encounter scene in here?
"He looked ready to kill now for his kingdom, to protect his kingdom, his people, his crown, from a madman, Arthur kept defending himself from Mordred, both from his sword and his magic." I'm sorry but this really just doesn't make sense to me... I'm not really sure what this was meant to say but I know you do, so please just revise this.
Then he figured out how. "He moved, chanting something, drawing a circle around him himself quickly, and struck the sword into the rock of the floor." You repeated with "him himself".
This story is very intriguing. All the action kind of kept me on the edge of my seat, waiting for what the fight would do. Although, I am slightly disappointed at how quickly it went down. I get that this is just a prologue and those are typically shorter, but you don't have to make it so short. It is okay to extend a couple points. It'll engage the reader more. I look forward to reading the rest of this story.
I hope my review is helpful
Greetings! Let's get right to the point by getting the criticism out of the way first.
First off, "As he had run here, he had the rushed, erratic footsteps behind him." Is wrong. I think you meant to say As he had run here, he has heard rushed, erratic footsteps behind him.' So just fix that real quick.
'He touched the worn limestone bearing the engraving of his father’s face and name, even *though* the torches were unlit and the air was stale and the stone chamber was dark.' Would be correct.
'He tightly held his broadsword in his hands, getting ready for the deadly fight that would ensue from facing the man coming into the crypts.' Would be the correct way to say this.
'Then Mordred lunged at Arthur, and the armored Arthur, a king, swung his sword at his attacker. He looked ready to kill now for his kingdom, to protect his kingdom, his people, his crown, from a madman, Arthur kept defending himself from Mordred, both from his sword and his magic.' For this, there should be a period between 'a madman' and Arthur kept defending himself...'
“Stop this, Mordred!' Is the correct way to say this so just add the comma there.
Now that the criticism is finished, wow! I really like the suspense you built here as Arthur was preparing for his fight with Mordred. Arthur's calmness felt so realistic along with his determination to protect his kingdom, crown, throne, and people. This is a great start. Keep writing!