Published August 19, 2012
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,344 Literary Works • 674,369 Reviews
I'm forced to agree with another reviewer and say that this reeks of teenage "angst". This has potential to be great and original, but that potential has been strangled by the cliches. One good line:
"Her jealousy is deep like those bruises she keeps." This makes it feel like the poem was, at one point, self deprecating. It might have been accidental, but if not, then that line exactly illustrates my point about the dead potential in this poem.
Overall this poem was average.
I liked this poem. This poem is very realistic and had emotion to it. While I was reading it reminded me of me in a way. I only have 1 problem with this poem. I'm not sure if the spacing of the poem was on purpose or by accident. If it was on purpose I will okay with that. Other than that I really liked it and that I hope one day soon I read more of your amazing work.
Hey Babymagic18!
I can see this poem needs a little formatting and editing to do. Not little, lots actually. First cut off, the poem has lines that are too big for it and it seems really confusing. Is this the first you're writing a poem because it seems you kind of write it like in a story-form basis. And some how, I get it like a song coming into my mind when reading this. I just think that, even if you did try to write a poem, it came out kind of wrong. I'm not going to say, you can never write a poem. Everyone can write a poem. It's easy, you just need that knack on your fingers and that wild imagination.
So, starting with the "comma-starting-with-capital" problem. In the first line, that is:
You don't need a capital after that comma. It's just like how you write a story, you know? After a comma, we don't use a capital, we continue with the lower case alphabets. And again, starting from "Sits alone," just sounds somewhere incomplete. Maybe you could try, "She sits alone,", to give in that effect there. Like a haunted effect or something.
Then, these four lines.
All four lines are too big for the poem especially, when you start and end the poem with short lines. I really think you should break it up. Let me help you out : -
"The days once go by(comma),
They ask her(comma),
she hides face-lies.
She see's the pity(comma),
in the other girls' eyes.
Her jealousy is deep(comma),
like those bruises she keeps.
Sleep nonexistent as she(comma),
hears her parent's screams.
She can never be free as(comma),
there goes the final bell.
There, now it's all shortened and nice looking. Also, what did the last line mean (i.e; She can never be free...the final bell.)? Was it her death you were talking about or something else? Like she was lost in thoughts, or something of that sort? That confused me.
Now, that line is the line that really confused me to the whole poem. It really sounds it came from a song. Like a drama show. You know, like Glee. Haha. XD I think you shouldn't have capitalized "T" and "G" for "This Girl". There's no need for that, actually.
Overall: I think you are a great writer, and of course, with great practice, you can write a WAY BETTER one than this poem. This just needs to re-written, more points that can join in and make it clear what you're trying to convey here, okay?
Keep writing! ~
Cookie <3'
i am not disrespecting you as a writer, because not too long ago i would write just like you (if not worse) this is a normal stage for beginning writers, the turning point is receiving advice and critiques. i don't know whether you wrote this poem yesterday or a few years ago. (which very well may be the case) so sorry if this review frustrates you. ok now onto the review:
the moment i read "haunted eyes" i knew that the poem was going to be one of those cliched teen sounding poems. though the theme is serious, the constant use of abstractions dumbs it down to an emotionless plate of bland words. you are telling. plainly, and simply, and that leaves no room for emotion, because once i read this i just thought: "meh, ok" instead of feeling what i think should've been sympathy or sadness. you should try to portray that other than: "haunted, alone, hides, pity, eyes, bruises" because that gives a feeling of another teenage poem making self harm look like teen angst attention seeking instead of something that should be treated seriously.
you should try and use less abstractions. for instance, sits alone, haunted eyes.
what is loneliness? what are haunted eyes? are they helpless hatchlings thrown into a whirl-pooling abyss? is loneliness a fog that embraces you, its cold hands stroking your stiff body? make it apparent. make it real. don't make it another flow of teenage BS.
i hope i helped, even if just a little, and i hope i didn't sound harsh. best of luck to you. <33