The Brand New Attitude

Hey, BMagic. First of all, airbear gave you a good line-by-line critique; I agree with all of her points, so follow her advice. I'll mainly focus on overall stuff.

Her attitude was beaming with positivity but was concealed behind a warm smile that made her eyes appear more the bluish green.

Aside from the odd description about the smile enhancing her eye color, I'm wondering why you have the "but" here. It hints that, even though she's super happy, she's hiding it...with a smile? You normally don't hide happiness by smiling warmly. If she was concealing her positive attitude, she wouldn't be showing it, and she wouldn't be smiling.

All this confusion because of one wrong word choice! Just be sure you say what you mean, and what makes sense within the context. Word choice is incredibly important.

This isn't really a short story-- flash fiction, more like. Which is fine, actually. Flash fiction can be awesome. But for flash fiction to work, the meaning has to be clear and the atmosphere has to be intense. Short flashes of writing like this are best pulled off when they have some powerful, dramatic emotion or conflict propelling it. I'm not exactly sure what to make of this. There's no conflict, anymore. It's kind of like you starting the story after the story was over.

We don't need a name from this character-- vagueness there is perfectly alright. But what's not alright is that this has no clear point. Okay, so, she's happy. Good for her. But why should I care? I don't know anything about her as a character except for that she doesn't want to go out with Mark, who is, I admit, oddly placed and stands out as an afterthought.

Think about what you're trying to say with this. If the message is that you can overcome any obstacle and walk into a brand new opportunity, show us that. What obstacles did she overcome? There's your conflict. How did she emerge victorious? There's your characterization. What is she going to do with her life now? There's your conclusion. I'm not asking for a life story-- but this flash needs more direction.

Show, don't tell. Like airbear said, have Mark and her engage in conversation instead of telling us about their feelings.

Best of luck, keep writing, and PM me for anything!

~Evi

Hi! I think this is a good, intriguing start but it needs some work. How about we go through sentence by sentence, since this is pretty short?

The heels of her red stilettos clicked against the marble flooring of the million dollar building.

The number one rule in description is show don't tell. You're telling us it's a million dollar building. Why not show us? Are there fountains in the lobby or expensive rugs? Mahogany tables? Chandeliers? Show us it's a million dollar building.

Her attitude was beaming with positivity but was concealed behind a warm smile that made her eyes appear more the bluish green.

I'm not sure how an attitude can "beam". Also, the whole thing about her smile changing the color of her eyes is kind of strange. Why not say, "She was beaming with positivity, but concealed it behind a warm smile. The only tell was her shining bluish green eyes." That's a bad example, but you get the idea.

It was her turn to shine and if there was any obstacle in her way she would simply find a way to maneuver around the obstacle or remove it with brute force of her polished attitude.

Okay, I have no idea what "it" is. I'm assuming your talking about whatever experience that's brought her to this fancy building. So maybe say "This was her chance to shine."
Then there's one too many obstacles in this sentence. I'd suggest breaking this up into two sentences so it would be- "This was her change to shine and if there was any obstacle in her way she would simple find a way to maneuver around it. Or remove it with the brute force of her polished attitude."

Stepping into the elevator she noticed mark alright standing beside her and gave him a very friendly hello.

Capitalize Mark's name. Also, if you have any chance to use dialogue, I'd say do it. Have her actually say "Hello" and then you can this will give you a chance to show the reader how positive or happy she's feeling.

Although he was attracted to her and had asked her out on numerous occasions she had only been able to see him strictly on the friendship level.He was charming sure but there was no spark between them and he failed to see that.

You could add this into the dialogue of the previous sentence. Say she was in such a good mood that not even seeing him could bring her down or something. And then you could just leave it at that. This is verging on an info dump. Just let the readers know that there's some thing between them, but you don't have to reaveal it right away.

As the elevator came to a halt on the twenty-second floor she took a steady breath and stepped out and into her brand new opportunity.

This is a great sentence. Don't change a thing.

She came to a set of double doors in polished gold.

Change "in" to "of".

Also, you haven't mentioned your MC's name or what she looks like. I don't know if you do that later or not, but I'd like to know what your MC looks like. Maybe when you're describing the building you could show us how she dressed up to look her best and to fit into the building. That way readers can start putting a face on the MC. Then if you choose to add dialogue in the elevator you could have Mark mention her name.

Then there's the title. It's called "The Brand New Attitude." So she probably didn't always have this shiny happy attitude? Maybe hint at that a little. Say how she's turning over a new leaf or something.

Overall
So, I'm curious, is this part of a bigger piece? I hope so, because I want to know what your MC is so excited for! Is it a new job or something? Anyway, I like it so far. It just needs some polishing and then it'll be awesome!

Feel free to PM me with any questions.