"Tying my thick auburn hair into a high ponytail I let out a sigh. Tossing my necessary equipment (weapons) into my bag I slung it over my shoulder." - I really hated these sentences as they dragged down the action and reduced the flow. To me it just screamed: 'typical teenage soppy girl' narrator, which is really disappointing because I'm a sucker for stories like this! But don't worry, the rest of the story made up for it, so it wasn't all too bad!
"What's taking you? The newbie is waiting." - I don't know why, but you haven't added speech marks for Jules. This happens the first two times he speaks, I was trying to figure out if there was some artistic reason, but all I've got is that you probably forgot?
"Biting my tounge" - just a grammar error here: "tounge" should be "tongue"
"I kept quite as I scrutinized my new "parter"" - "parter" should be "partner", just a small point, nothing too much to worry about.
"Vicky stood a bit shorter than me, darker complextion, light green eyes and dark hair." - again, grammar point, "complextion" should be "complexion".
"Are eyes connected for a sparse second before hers darted away." - again, a grammar error with "Are" supposed to be "Our".
Again, most of the things I can point out are simple grammar errors, so you shouldn't worry about them too much! I think that this piece should be a lot more descriptive, but I accept that it is probably a rough draft, if not, definately develop and expand it!
I'm not sure if you've read them before but C.H.E.R.U.B. by Robert Muchamore is very much in the territory that I think you're aiming for, so you can look there for inspiration if you want to, but if not, best of luck anyway, and there's a lot of potential here anyway! All the best!
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