It's our love story

One would have thought a girl would be prepared in the moment a gorgous guy say 5'9" loose dark brown curly hair eyes the color of grass green and a voice of an angel walks over to her and wants to know if she is busy over the weekend. To be honest no I wasn't ready for one of the top five hottest guys in our high school class to ask me out especially when there are obviously a dozen or more girls that are far prettier, talented and cordinated than I. He's asking me out though so I feel I portray a quality the other girls lack. Could it really just be that then? As his smoldering green eyes grace into my ordinary light brown eyes I can't help but wonder if he really sees pat the outcast, over smart girl that I am. Those eyes of his have me feeling as if I could melt like a puddle onto the very floor beneth me. " I'm free" I studder. His lips turn into a grin at the corners of his mouth and replies "Great I'll pick you up around seven on Sunday" than he turns and walks away and I feel as if I could float to the very heaven above me.

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Sat Nov 19, 2022 8:09 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

One would have thought a girl would be prepared in the moment a gorgous guy say 5'9" loose dark brown curly hair eyes the color of grass green and a voice of an angel walks over to her and wants to know if she is busy over the weekend. To be honest no I wasn't ready for one of the top five hottest guys in our high school class to ask me out especially when there are obviously a dozen or more girls that are far prettier, talented and cordinated than I. He's asking me out though so I feel I portray a quality the other girls lack. Could it really just be that then? As his smoldering green eyes grace into my ordinary light brown eyes I can't help but wonder if he really sees pat the outcast, over smart girl that I am. Those eyes of his have me feeling as if I could melt like a puddle onto the very floor beneth me. " I'm free" I studder. His lips turn into a grin at the corners of his mouth and replies "Great I'll pick you up around seven on Sunday" than he turns and walks away and I feel as if I could float to the very heaven above me.

Okay... well this is an interesting one. But before we dive any deeper into this story I do have to start out by saying that this is a little bit too much of a big blob of text at the moment. There's enough that happens here that you really need to be splitting this up into at the very least a couple of pieces here. At the moment its a little bit tough to follow because of the formatting.

Now moving onto the actual piece here. We've got ourselves some very interesting things going down here. Well to some extent. This is the sort of tried and tested person being asked out plan that has been used countless time, but when it is done well, I do tend to like them so here we are. This one of course appears to just be the very start here and it seems to not have too much that's terribly unique about it, so I would think a little bit more on this. Right now it seems to fulfill that particular cliche all stories of this nature will do, but its not really standing out much and you want to see a little bit of that. But overall, not a bad start here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 1349
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Thu Apr 30, 2009 2:35 pm

ShadowPrincess wrote a review...

this was good but it was a little to short. You could have elaborated on his looks, his voice, or something else. Also, I didnt really get any emotion from the piece. Maybe you could add something to describe what she's feeling. If you did this, the piece would really good. You're a good writer, but you need to add a few things and it'll be near-to-perfect. Sorry, I'm not good at this whole critiquing thing. lol

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Wed Apr 29, 2009 4:42 pm

Sela Locke wrote a review...

I'm sorry. I tried to go on Microsoft Word to edit this, to make it slightly less... -gurgle- but I couldn't. I couldn't pretend to be an unpopular girl in a random high school being 'asked out' by a guy.

Y'see ma'am, there are just - too - many. Everywhere, every day, all the time, more stories exactly like yours are popping up. Guy who's really hot asks girl who thinks she's not if she wants to do something over weekend. Girl dazedly accepts.

What would be a good word to describe it? Boring. And frustrating for me, because even through the glaze of high school drama, even though I can be nearly a hundred percent sure that this is your number-one dream, I know you can do better. Even if that is all your brain can come up with, I still sit and think, damn, she could do so much better!

Because you can, and those others can, too. They can do better than OMG, gorgus guyz askin me out! They can do better than crappy main characters that are flat and useless. They can do better than stupid romance stories going on in their high schools.

They - can - do - so - much - better.

So pause, next time you want to start a story like this. Pause and think, I wonder how many other people on YWS have stories just like this one? With all good luck, the answer will come back, Way too many.

I've said this before, and I'll say it a million times more, if I have to: Where are the flying marshmallows and the ice cream noodles and the little boys that only eat broccoli? What happened to the angry yellow cows who follow stupid people around to make sure everyone knows they're stupid? I think I'd like your story better if there were a few jumping grey jelly beans screaming random insults at people and interrupting idiotic conversations, and maybe if there were a few yellow cows trailing your MC and her boyfriend.

Anyways, I hope I was a little help. If you must keep writing this story, please, try to keep it apart from the rest. Make the boyfriend turn suddenly into an angry monkey, or have your MC get kidnapped by ninja-dogs because she's really their long-lost princess.

Good luck! Hope to see you around. ; )

-SELA

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Wed Apr 29, 2009 10:03 am

babymagic18 says...

thank you for the advice

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Wed Apr 29, 2009 2:36 am

Lorens_01 wrote a review...

Hi there! Before anything else, I would like to add some critiques first:

babymagic18 wrote:One would have thought a girl would be prepared in the moment a gorgous guy

It should be gorgeous,

babymagic18 wrote:To be honest no I wasn't ready for one of the top five hottest guys in our high school class to ask me out especially when there are obviously a dozen or more girls that are far prettier, talented and cordinated than I.

Put some comma so it will become : "To be honest, no, I wasn't ready for..."

It should be coordinated, you can use me instead of I for a more aesthetic effect

babymagic18 wrote: He's asking me out though so I feel I portray a quality the other girls lack. Could it really just be that then? As his smoldering green eyes grace into my ordinary light brown eyes I can't help but wonder if he really sees pat the outcast, over smart girl that I am.

I think that should be pass, and put some commas so it will be: "He's asking me out though, so I feel I portray a quality the other girls lack." If you want to, you can omit the word "the" before the "other girls lack."

babymagic18 wrote: Those eyes of his have me feeling as if I could melt like a puddle onto the very floor beneth me. " I'm free" I studder.

I think those should be "beneath" and "shudder." Put a comma or an exclamation mark on the I'm free so it will not look too linear. :wink:

babymagic18 wrote:His lips turn into a grin at the corners of his mouth and replies "Great I'll pick you up around seven on Sunday" than he turns and walks away and I feel as if I could float to the very heaven above me.

Insert a comma after replies and after Sunday

My reaction: overall it got my attention, I'm lookin' forward for your next update!

The only thing I would like to emphasize on is your comma use, maybe the wrong spellings you made were just a cause of typographical errors, that's all.

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Tue Apr 28, 2009 1:21 am

sparkle8744 wrote a review...

This is very intresting. I think it might be better though if you added a paragraph or so. I was a tad bit confused as I read it, but it is very discriptive. One problem I found is the introduction of a book is supposed to hook you into reading the rest. In this case I felt you could probably make it a bit more suspensful and new. Do you understand where I'm coming from? Other than that I really enjoyed it. Please feel free to message me. Im slightly new at this.