The smell of blood chocked the air as I stumbled along uprooted tree branches and dead bodies. I could not quite fathom how it had come to this, this bloody battle that someone could have found a way to avoid. The fog was making it impossible for me to know what direction I was headed in or if it was even the right one. I was wounded with a stab in my abdomen and bleeding heavily. I knew if I didn't receive treatment soon I would eventually bleed to death and I was only twenty-two years of age. My body screamed to sleep but my will pushed me on to live. I was possible the only living person left and that was what it came down too. I noticed a faint light up ahead and felt relief pulse through my veins. Since I didn't know if It was the light of life or death I had to be weary and cautious.
The blood was warm and oozing through the cloth, covering my hand. I was becoming more dizzy and knew I would soon pass out. As I came into the clearing I could have hooted with the relief if it hadn't been for the situation I was currently in. There were medical personal frantically running everywhere trying to help the wounded or dying.
A young woman that was covered in blood noticed me and ran to my aid. She didn't get to asking questions before I passed out cold. I awoke unable to remember but the dull throb in my abdomen sent a chilling reminder of how I got the wound. I knew it wasn't pretty no doctor had to tell me that.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well things are certainly off to an interesting start to say the least. When things start with the smell of blood being spread through the air, as a reader you definitely sit up and take notice rather quickly...and the detail to follow which seems to suggest we're in the aftermath of a particularly terrible battle only makes things that much more intriguing here. So we're off to a decent start here.
I think you're doing a pretty solid job there of conveying the effects of such a wound on a person and this is in fact continuing along quite nicely to showcase there being a sliver of hope there as medical person stream in. Of course there is no telling if there'll be another twist here, but so far you've built this up quite nicely here.
Well that was something of an abrupt end there....I feel like you could've touched on quite a bit more here or perhaps ended on the blacking out part to leave things at a bit more of a mystery, as it is this is a little bit of a mediocre ending compared to the kind of start we had. Its not bad, it just doesn't quite seem to live up to the vibe you were building up earlier. Overall...this is a solid piece but you've perhaps got to reconsider that ending a bit.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey babymagic!
Right now, you've started at a rather odd place! Most people would start at the beginning of the battle scene, not at the end. Mind you, it's all right to start at the end of the battle scene, but I think it would be a lot better for you, personally, to start at the beginning. Why? Because you need something catchy to bring us in and right now, his dizziness and readiness to pass out isn't quite catchy.
If you still want to stick with the ending, that's fine too! Consider making it less about the character and his condition and more about what is happening around him. There are probably people around him in worse shape than he is (after all, he is walking) and he may notice that. That way, the story has a more epic feeling to it, rather than just being all about him.