First try at poetry Leave reviews please :)

Hello, I really like your poem. You already have a lot of constructive criticism for this so I don't want to go into that too much- you know where grammar was an issue etc. What I do want to say is that I really enjoyed reading this and I felt like the raw emotions and honesty you were trying to convey. I think someone has said about the rhyme scheme (or lack of) being a bad thing, but I disagree. The poem is about being inadaquate and about trying too hard and I think the inconsistent rhyme scheme can only add to this effect. It sounds strangely beautiful because it's more natural, whereas if you'd put it into a strict structure it would have seemed more strained. Similarly, I think the free verse sounds so much more real than if you'd put it in a strict format, and the way you've done this lends itself perfectly to the real emotions you are trying to show.

When I read the title I kind of thought the worst because it's such a cliche and I don't generally enjoy poems about depression unless they're more subtle/abstract. However, this turned out to be an exception. You dealt with the theme very well and put your own spin on it. Please continue to write poetry, I will continue to read it if you do! I think this definitely shows you have a lot of potential to be a great poet.

Okay... Well, this is... something. It has potential.

I'm sorry to be blunt, but the rhyming at the start was atrocious.

Also, work on your grammar, please.

You're 'stanzas' don't really work... mostly because they have not been positioned correctly, you've just inserted line breaks to try and create a rhyme scheme.

Just so this is not all negative... it does have potential.

Oh wow. I'll try to be nice about this because this is your first poem. But there needs to be some major improvement.

Your grammar isn't the greatest. You seem to have no structure to your poem and the breaks don't make sense. It makes it distracting to read. There is little to no punctuation at all, and it seems to just drag on and on. Maybe because of the way your broke it up, I don't think this flows very well at all. I can't find a pattern or any sort of rhythm. You capitilize some words, but not others. At the end realizes is spelled wrong. You spelled it "realized".

Now, I can see what you're trying to do with the poem, but your delivery is rather week. The rhyme is way too forced and most of the time a little off. Try going through and reformatting it and I think that would give me a clearer picture as to what I can help you with. It's a little off, but it really isn't that bad for a first poem. Mine was A LOT worse. So keep practicing and keep writing, and I'm sure something good will eventually come out once you learn.

hi babygiggles,dark here with review.

First of all,I impressed with your own though here.Kinda depressed and 'sad' tone of voice.You mistype here;

she feels deperessed*,So she wears a dress.

she hopes one day someone will come along and sing her a very sad

song to make her

self feel just a little less depressed

I hope you don't mind blunt reviews. Regardless of this being a first try or a hundredth, I'll review it the same way so that you can grow, yeah? Yeah.

First off, let's talk grammar. You have a large variety of inconsistency here that ranges from "she...So" capitalizing on the first line, to randomized capitalization throughout. With poetry, it's a bit of a taboo to call someone out on grammar. The arguments range from "These words were intentionally capitalized to draw meaning," to "capitalization and punctuation don't matter because the words can speak for themselves." My philosophy?

Write intentionally.

And that's it. If you keep that in the back of your mind, you can't go wrong with poetry.

Moving on, I'm actually a fan of your line breaks. You have a good sense of where tension should build and release, and I admire that in a first attempt.

For actual content, I'll be very honest: this is all very cliche. If I had a nickel for every suicide/depression poem written without veiling the words 'depressed' or 'cutting' or 'she wants to feel beautiful', I would have so many dollars. At least enough to buy a new TV, and god knows I need one. For this, we have the remedy of Metaphoric Imagery. This is the formula:

Take concept A and twist it, turning it into lyric B. Imagine something that represents that lyric in nature, in beautiful things or dark things, and you have Imagery C. Therefore, you have three steps to veil your intention, and your meaning stays in-tact. In fact, your meaning can be veiled to the point to where the reader takes what his mind needs from the poem, sometimes even if it's not what you intended. And that's the beautiful part of poetry, I think.

Let me know if you'd like some further detailed insight on this. We can open up a titanpad and workshop this together if you'd like.

One i felt the pain on this
I feel as if there is alot of emotion

and feelings in it
So well done for your first one

Really good, Keep at it, It was amazing,

just one Problem you should Include Dragon's That would go well for all of us

Thanks
DragonNextec

Here I am to review, babygiggles!

-The feeling I get from this is that she is crying out for help/attention. Am I correct? Make sure you go back through and proofread; "depressed" "So" should be "so" "She cuts...".

"she feels deperessed,So she wears a dress(A).

Everybody says who are you trying to impress(A)?

But she just wants to feel beautiful for once(B)

Though the only feeling she feels is utter doubt in herself(C?)"

-I think if you took the "but" and placed it in front of "everybody" it would sound better here.


"she hopes one day someone will come along(D) and sing her a very sad

song(D) to make her

self feel just a little less depressed(E)"

- Why would a sad song make her feel less depressed?

"she cuts her wrist 123(F) trying (to) see(F) who will be impressed and be

there for her

but when she awakes(G) she realises (spelling again) it was all a mistake(G)"

- I would spell out "one, two, three". Otherwise, I am assuming you mean one-hundred-twenty-three.
- Through out the poem I placed letters corresponding with the patterns I saw in the three segments I created (I'm new to annotating poems, so this may not be an issue). The reason for this is because I noticed that you almost had a distinctive pattern, but not quite. The first sequence was AABC, the second was DDE, and the third was FFGG. Put it together you have this AABCDDEFFGG (using the alphabet accordingly with the rhyming scheme).

The flow seemed a little off; however, I could still follow it. Make sure you allow the poem to flow; otherwise, readers may never find the emotion this piece is trying to reveal.

I think you set a good mood, and the theme is defined well. Thank you!