Young Writers Society

I like this! I feel bad for the girl, I always hate the idea of women being degraded!!
The reason this is interesting, is because it shows the truth behind prostitution.
It shows how women suffer all the time. I hate the idea of women being liked, just as a body. Not a person with feelings. Women are strong and beautiful, and I know some have no choice. And I hope the future can be brighter for women! I like the idea of a daily schedule story!
It's an interesting POV! And I enjoy your writing style!! Keep at!!

This was interesting, however, I think that you should add some more description to these events so that we know this character a little better. Sure we know that she works as a prostitute, and sure no one likes being treated the way she does, but why would that matter to us if we know it's just something she has to do? Is it her destiny? How come she's working at this job? You give us a little insight when you write about her crying in the shower, but I don't think that gives me as a reader enough information about this woman. You should state why she hates her job so much or why she is there in the first place.

Another thing I noticed, it seemed to me a little unfeeling or... there wasn't enough for me to grab at, you know? Also, it seemed a tiny bit unrealistic. Okay, I presume that every prostitute wears provacative clothing, but I don't think they would just wear "lingerie". By this, I think that you should describe this a little more to give the reader more insight. Her clothing could also be ... in a way, a motif (or something like that). Like, it could represent how dirty and shameful her lifestyle is and how much she hates it.

One more thing (almost done), the idea of a prostitute having a job like a 9-5 sounds a little unrealistic to me. Wouldn't a prostitute have crazy, unpredictable hours because she does whatever she can to get by? And there's a place that she goes each day to work at? Why hasn't her boss been busted yet if he's trafficking people at this one place that seems to have been there for a long time? I would think that this boss that your character absolutely hates (also, you should state why she's working for him. Is there a reason? Is there some sort of plot twist, like, is it her father or something?) would have your character standing out on the corner or in some unforgiving place for hours on end. Also, I think that the boss and the character need a little more interaction with each other. That was just a thought of mine, but perhaps they don't need to interact with one another.

Agh, I know I said that that last paragraph would be it but I realized that it sounds like I am hating on your story in the last few. I don't hate your story! In fact, what you've got here is a great start, and I think that you should keep going with it. A plus about this is that I like the twist at the end. Also, I like the description of the characters because you give each of them indivdual characteristics, but it's a little too comical for me. Perhaps you should give a little more description to them .

"On top of Mr Gelton (Fat pedophile who likes little school girls) fourth client" Like this one. He could have so much more description. Why is he a MR instead of just "Bob Gelton" (idk his actual name)? Is it that perhaps he is a married man, has children of his own (that would be disgusting but interesting for your story), works somewhere special? I would like to know more about this guy and the other characters as well!

And with that, I just gave a very long review, but I feel pretty good about it. I like this, and I think you can do so much more with it (which is the fun part because you'll get to make up more stuff for it). Good luck with this,! Oh, btw, this was such an interesting and original idea to come up with! I do not have to ability to be original, unfortunately. Good Luck1

I like what you've tried to do here so please don't get disheartened by previous comments! Sometimes you just need a little push in the right direction.

I like the schedule - it adds to the shock of death at the end because I definitely wasn't expecting it. I would just recommend a little more detail into the sections - more like diary entries. This way, you can transform it into a short story yet still have the schedule that you want to keep.

You could even make the 'pronounced dead' section a newspaper report rather than a diary entry?

I would also explore the idea of a back story so that the reader can connect with your character more. As we see so little of her here, we don't have enough time to actually like her. Why has she had to resort to prostitution? Why does she let her boss take advantage? Tell us all. She's yours to create.

Hope this makes sense! Please message me if you have any more questions

Olive <3

I WAS interested in this. Until I read it. The schedule and the timing makes this piece so... blocky and it's very distracting. There are also so many spelling errors. If you had taken the time to go over this again, you would have spotted them. Another thing, why on Earth would you rate this 16+? It should be 18+ for sexual content and mature language. You mention the word "cum" which is not age appropriate (legally) for a 16 year old.

I don't like what you did with a perfectly good idea. I think you should've made this more of a short story than a schedule. Again, the schedule format was really distracting and I didn't like it. I liked the idea, it just wasn't well executed.

Last thing. Please re write this a short story. I'm curious to see what you can come up with