Young Writers Society

Darn. Please revise it if you may. -_-

Im sure now you know what else needs to be taken out and put in.

Godbless with that. Keep writing too okay?

*JACE

I pretty much echo what was said above. I had a hard time keeping interest about half way through, and in a lot of ways it comes off quite creepy.

babyboymilky,


This is junk and substantially worse than the other effort I read of yours. It's a poorly conceived, ineptly executed stream of gibberish that resembles millions of other pieces by beginners who reach for universal truths and come up empty.

Read the other work that's posted here and the comments it receives. Compare this piece to what you find. Draw your own conclusions.


Best,
Brad

LOTS OF WORK TO BE DONE!!
Although the people above my post have pretty much said it all i would like to let you know that even though we are being a little harsh don't take it to the heart. Keep working on it. We don't bite either..... well atleast most of the time we don't. You can always contact any of us via PM for any questions you need answers to. BACK TO THE POEM!!!

I agree with Snoink on this one. It is deffinatly creepy and stalkerish it gives me the vibe that you are watching her all the time. You know, like when she is in her room you are the guy looking through the vents make sure she doesn't do anything you don't approve of. Alittle creepy don't you think? You should include her feelings and make the verses alittle longer. Thats all I have to say since the others pretty much sumed it all up! Happy Writting!!!


Jessie xx

This is a horribly creepy poem. Seriously. It sounds like a stalker wrote who is going to stalk the poor girl for a long, long, time. I would run away in a heartbeat if somebody said this to me. So if you were going for the completely unromantic, "ZOMG, LOOK, THERE'S A MASS MURDERER--HIDE!" sort of feeling, bravo!

I mean, every line ends withMy love, they say, “Love is patient”…
So, I’ll patiently wait…

Patiently wait... for what? The ellipse give it a feeling that whatever he's patiently waiting for, it's not good.

They say, “Love is kind”…
I’ll kindly treat you right…

Again, the ellipse makes it that much creepier. Kindly treat you right? How? Or do I really want to know? (Run away!)

They say, “Love bears all things”...
I’ll make sure lack of nothing…

Okay, so this doesn't makes sense, either within the line or grammatically. But even without it making sense, it is still creepy because of the ellipse. I mean, ellipses can be good, but if you don't explain yourself, it's creepy!

They say, “Love always protects”…
So baby, thy shall fear no evil…

This sounds even creepier. Evil... from what?

They say, “Love never fails”…
That’s why my love for you will never fade…

OMG, STALKER.

They say, “Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness”…
Being in love with you has made me the happiest man alive…

I hate to see what the girl feels...

They say, “Love has no scale”…
That’s why my love for you is for infinity…

Again, grammatically, it makes no sense.

They say, “Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."....
That’s why when you in my car, I never look out at any other girl on the street...

Haha. Okay, this is slightly hilarious. Imagine, if you will, a guy driving with his girl and then hitting a girl who is walking across the street because he didn't see her. Bam! Roadkill! So yeah. The imagery is not really romantic.

They say, “Love never ends”…
I’ll love you till our days are over, which is never…

...OMG. This is the scariest line of all.

So yeah, this is really really freaky. It's very unromantic, so I'm guessing that's what you were going for.

If this was actually supposed to be romantic... yeah. You have to make it less "I'll give you this..." and more of "we can become this together." Relationships are dances with two, no?

Anyway, hope that helps!

Hey there

I shall apologise in advance.

'I already know you will love this poem,' - readers (especially on yws) in a way, challenge a writer. They pick apart the words and ideas and see what they can make of it. If you say people are going to love the poem, they're instantly going to test it and find a way to dislike it.

'love is patient, love is kind... love bears all things, (believes all things)... love never fails / love never ends, (where there are prophesies)...' - These snippits are from 1 corinthians 13. I'm sure this is all your own original work, but you might want to look up that passage and rethink some of these lines, they're incredibly alike. If it's intentional, put it in a footnote.

'So baby, thy shall fear no evil', I like the contrast of 'baby' and 'thy', though it does seem a little odd. Also, that should actually be 'thou'.

I also agree that you should take out the chunk of writing at the bottom.

On the plus side, it's a nice idea. It just needs a fair bit of rejigging, maybe a different format. Keep trying.

Hi there,

As I've yet to meet you, I say welcome to YWS, your work will grow greatly here. ^^ I would like to mention, we have a two to one review policy, for every one thing you post, we'd like to see some reviews, preferably two. ^^

Onto the poem!

Now, I understand this means something to you, the underlying message, and what not. The problem is I don't like it. Ahah, which isn't a problem as such, but while your message, and theme, are both perfectly fine, there is an issue with the presentation, the execution of the poem.

The couplets get old quickly. There are too many of them and they're too repetitive. Starting each line the same for half and all that will just grate on your readers nerves. You can do better than that. ^^

This is all telling. You've no poetic elements. Sure, I like the juxtaposition here, but you don't show us *why* you want to stay with her, or why she needs the reassurance.

On that note, Is the last paragraph part of your poem, or a personal message? Either way it's distracting, if informative. It's confusing, and it's purpose is hazy. I'd either delete it or make it into part of the real poem.

We need some metaphors, some imagery and description. How patiently do you wait? Does time trickle down as if melting into the glass?

We want to know, and we want to care. As is, there's no caring going on, and no real information, nothing we, as readers, can sink into and enjoy.

Have a look at this. I like the base of this, but it needs work. Luck!

Pm me if you work on it, I'd love to see the results.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

Welcome to YWS

First off, new members are asked to post 2 reviews before any of their own works.

Secondly,

I already know you will all love this poem, but I prefer to call it "FREE WRITE". Thanks

They say, “Love is kind”…
I’ll kindly treat you right…

Well that is what they say love is. Well, I say love is what we got. The trust we have for one another. It is like being with a soul mate that I have known for years. I sleep, knowing that love is war, but together we shall conquer our enemies. Do not worry about me falling for the other girls; I am letting u know you are the only girl for me. Knowing this I only got two words to say “BREAK TIME”.