YOU CAN BELIEVE what you want to believe, but I am here to tell you, that ghosts are real and they do exist!
I lived in a house in kairamu, Bali and we had a ghost sharing the home with us. The home was old and home to resemble a home in New Orleans. The woman who had the home built loved her New Orleans house so much that she built an identical one here.
We believe that she was our ghost because she was so attached to the house. Thankfully, she was a friendly ghost. However, I believe that a male ghost was also in the house - perhaps the husband of the woman. He was a bit more unnerving. Still friendly though, I suppose.
While in that house, strange and unexplained things happened to me, which still bother me to this day. I never felt threatened by our ghosts, just afraid sometimes at what I saw and heard, but could not explain. I was 12 at the time and my parents traveled a lot, so I was often left all alone in the house, which was usually when odd things would happen.
One night I saw a man standing at the foot of my bed. Obviously, I was startled. He just whispered, "Shhhh...." and vanished into thin air! I also saw shadows that looked like a person. I had Goosebumps.
Another night I was watching TV and my dog began to growl at the door of the room I was in. This really frightened me because my dog was very laid back and never growled unless a stranger was around. I was home alone, so I thought someone broke into the house. I was so afraid I called the police, and when the officer came and checked around, he found nothing.
Other things happened, too. I heard phantom footsteps walking on the hard wood floors when I knew I was the only one home. I heard keys jingle in the front door, like someone was coming home, but I realized I was still alone... no one was home yet. Lights went on and off by themselves.
Once I was alone, so I had a friend come over and stay just for the night. At about 3:30 a.m., we both were awakened by a very loud crash, as if a cabinet with dishes had fallen over. We went downstairs to investigate the noise that was loud enough to wake us up... but we could find nothing! My friend was so shaken by terror that she left at 4 a.m.
Again, I was then alone and very afraid. I went back to bed, locked my room doors, and hid under my blankets. I felt like I was being watched.
We had a piano in a room we called the ballroom. One night I was alone watching TV when the lights in the ballroom went on and off by themselves, and the piano made a noise like someone struck a key. I turned off the TV, ran upstairs, and did my hide under my bed covers routine.
I accepted the ghosts, but they really did unnerve me. Sometimes it actually comforted me to know we had them looking over us, but mostly it scared the heck out of me.
Eventually, the house was sold and we all moved out. I moved into an apartment while my parents bought another house. Frankly, I was glad to be out of that house; I loved the house, but not the ghosts.
I miss the home, but I never again want to share my space with a ghost, friendly or not - it is way too scary. And I can't imagine living with an unfriendly ghost. Ours were nice and they still were frightening, at least for me! I don't need any proof that ghosts are real. I lived with some, so I know they are real.
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Ok, personally I think this fits under comedy but for all i know this is actually a true story. In the 6th paragraph near the end "i realized i was still alone...no one was..." you don't need that "..." just put a comma. In the 7th paragraph, you should change how the first sentence starts, like "On one occasion I was home alone and..." the way you have it makes it sound like it's the only time she was alone.
Okay wow honey, you used the word "home" way to much in this. Maybe next time try use synonyms like referring to the house as "the estate" or even not as fancy and call it a house. You repeated words a lot in this. Again synonyms are great for this. Like you said "Another night." a lot.
Staying on the same note as "another night" thing you could have put all of those experiences together in one paragraph instead of several. Each paragraph explaining these experiences didn't have a lot of description either so it made it hard and boring to read.
With the beginning of the story, I would suggest not starting off with hard hitting opinion. it could come off as you telling them that they are real and that the reader is just wrong. you don't want the readers to hate it before they even read it right? On that note, what is this exactly? Is this a story because I don't see much of a plot here. Actually there is no plot at all. It seems as though you are just telling us what happened to you. There is no problem and no problem equals no story.
"We went downstairs to investigate the noise that was loud enough to wake us up... but we could find nothing!" you said could find nothing when you could have said "But we didn't find anything." It flows more.
I have a question before I finish, Did this actually happen to you or is it made up? Because if it is a real story you should put that in the disclaimer or even make it the first sentence. It would make a lot more sense and if it is not real i go back to my previous statement of there is not main problem.
Now I am not normally this harsh when I review but there were a lot of mistakes in this and I wanted you to be aware so you could fix them learn from your mistakes. So please don't take this personally please. I have nothing against you so sorry if I was being rude. Keep writing and please use the advice you hear in your comments it makes you a better writer. I speak from experience. Good luck! 0.o
Knight Dragon, here to review!
Hmm... That first sentence.
That comma is unnecessary. It doesn't belong, and it breaks up the reading flow. Try reading the sentence without it to see what I mean.
Is kairamu a city? I think you might want to capitalize that. And a comma might be helpful after Bali. Just a stylistic suggestion.
Did you mean "built to resemble a home"? You might also want to consider changing the last time you used home to house or building, because so many "home"s so close together jumbles the sentence and gives it a mental stutter when you read it.
Some decent expos, but show us why your main character believes there's a male ghost in the house. Is your MC the only character that believes this? Or does the entire family know about this couple?
Yes, yes, that's all very good and well, but what kind of things? You just say this and then move on. What things? What made them strange? Why do they bother your MC at all? You don't give us any clue what these things are, and then you move on.
Without someone to check on the MC and make sure they had food? How long are these trips? Where do the parents travel to? You make it sound like they've gone on these long vacations or business trips, but if you just mean a couple hours' drive or a short plane trip for a weekend business trip or work, then that's not quite as... I don't know, irresponsible of the parents. They need to make sure their child is provided for, and checked up on at least occasionally. (At least here in 'Murica.) So give some more detail about what kind of travels these are, and why the parents feel comfortable leaving the kid alone. If it's because of your setting, the region where their house is and a low crime rate or secluded enough leaving the child alone wouldn't be a problem, tell us that. And if you're doing a lot of telling, then you might consider showing us.
Placement of information. Knowing the MC's dog is laid back before telling us the dog was growling would help. Otherwise the reader's first thought is, yeah, dogs growl. They do that. So you might want to consider moving that.
The "Once I was alone," part is a little off. It makes it feel like the MC has never been alone before. You could say something like "During one of my parents' trips," or just "One time," because once the friend gets over there the MC isn't alone anymore, and saying the MC's alone defeats the purpose of saying the friend came over.
So it took them half an hour to investigate? How big is this house, again? You could tell us how many rooms are in the house at the beginning of the story, and then it wouldn't seem like such a stretch for them to spend a half hour investigating. Is there only one kitchen? What reasons would they have to look elsewhere in the house if they heard where the sound came from? Did they look elsewhere in the house? You leave a lot unsaid and unexplained.
When is this eventually? You say your MC moves out on their own, but not how old they are. If you know that, then you could say something like "It was ten years after that first incident when I was 12 that my family finally moved out of the house." It helps the story flow a little better.
I think you could spend some more time telling us what happened in these incidents. Mostly we're just given these snapshots, brief glimpses, of these events, and even then it's almost a flyby of the occurrences. Slow down, show us a little more of each event, and tell us more about more events. You have a decent setup, but you need to expound more.
Hope this helps!
Thank you very much for reviewing my work !