Deep deep down
Were you think life is lost
There is still light
not from the sun or anything like that
but from life itself
life that purrs
life that stirs
Were you think that life is lost but life still lives...
In the deep places of the sea
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Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,840 Reviews
Hello! SecreteJournalist here (but feel free to call me Brie, if you please) for a quick review on this lovely little poem. I'm going to go through the nitpicks, and then proceed with praise and so fourth.
[size=200]Nitpicks;
'Were' should be 'Where'.
'or anything like that' seems to dampen the flow. I'd say to reword this a little, but that's just my opinion.
'Were' should be 'Where'.
That's all the nitpicks I have, so onto the praise.
[size=200]Praise;
I like how this poem is short and sweet, yet it packs a punch in meaning. It leaves you thinking of the sea, yet still gets a meaning across. Great job! Keep writing and posting, and if you drop me a message, I'll keep reviewing!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Wow. This is really great. I think it would really strengthen this poem if you made it rhyme like in the lines
"life that purrs
life that stirs"
that sounded really good.
Also, I think the line
"not from the sun or anything like that"
kind of interrupts the flow of it. do you know what I mean? I think you could do
"but not from the sun"
simple, and still keeps the flow. Otherwise, great job!!!
good job!
This poem is beautiful, I enjoyed it.
"not from the sun or anything like that"
I felt the line 'or anything like that' was too casual for a poem so powerful.
Otherwise a great poem!
Keep writing!
This is a cute poem.
That was a sweet poem. It makes me sleepy.....*yaaawwwn* I loved your personification.
Thank you I hope it was good and people like to read it
It was a great poem! I love Calvin and Hobbes! Awesome avvie!!!
Thanks