Lantern

I've owed you a review for a long time, and it is time you got it, even if I am slightly late, lol. Okay, [s]rip to shreds?[/s] Fix the few mistakes and praise So let's start:

Alicia looked out the window. The light of the moon illuminated the tears on her face. It had been three days since her mother’s passing, and Alicia still couldn’t sleep. She looked around the living room. A vase of withered roses [s]Alicia’s[/s] her mom had picked stood atop a rosewood piano. Above the piano, their family portrait was hung. Alicia couldn’t bear to look at it, yet she couldn’t tear her eyes off her mother’s face. Alicia’s mother had been beautiful; she had had high cheekbones, brown eyes, dark skin, and wavy black hair. Beside her stood Alicia’s older sister, Elise, the spitting image of their mother. Ever since her death, Alicia wished that she had looked more like her mother.

Thoughts of her mother’s death kept resurfacing in Alicia’s mind. Maybe a walk in the fresh air will clear my head, she thought

as she lumbered into the front hall. Alicia gingerly put on her coat and boots. She didn’t bother changing out of her pyjamas, [s]and[/s] she didn’t want to risk waking up her sister. Alicia grabbed her keys and left, shutting the door quietly. She locked the door and started walking.


The cold air stabbed her like a knife

it was thirty below and snow fell from the sky. The moon had disappeared behind a cloud, leaving only the faint glow of the stars to guide her. Alicia walked down the cement sidewalk, her hair slapping her face as the wind blew. She knew that her ears would freeze if she didn’t go back to get her hat, but she kept walking.


Alicia’s legs dragged her to the park, and she headed towards the swings. Her mother had taken her to this park to go on the swings when she was younger. Alicia remembered her mother pushing her, as she would gleefully shout, 'Higher, higher!' The [s]old[/s]

swing set stood beside a small forest. When Alicia and Elise had been younger, they had played hide and seek in the forest.

Alicia sat on the swing and pushed herself off the ground. She was propelled forward, and then swung back. She quickly gained momentum, swinging higher each time. Alicia began to laugh; she was having fun.


A menacing growl snapped Alicia out of her reverie. She twisted her head to look into the forest. A beast was running through the trees, its heavy breathing echoing in the empty park. Twigs snapped under the creature’s feet, and it snarled as it approached.


Alicia slammed her legs down into the dirt and snow, the wind and snow slashing her face. She ran from the swing, her breath shallow, her heart hammering, and her feet stumbling beneath her. Alicia stopped and looked back, laughing at what she saw.

A golden retriever was squatting down and sniffing a bush. A stocky man trudged over to the dog, panting heavily.


“Dumb dog,” he muttered under his breath. “You had to wake me up in the middle of the night to do your business. I took you out last night, but you had to go roll around in mud…” the man’s voice trailed away as he dragged the dog back through the forest by its collar.


Alicia’s throat was parched, so she veered to the drinking fountain. She turned the knob and bent to drink. After a minute, she raised her head. A person was sitting on the swing.


That’s strange, Alicia thought. I never heard anyone coming.


It was a beautiful woman in her early thirties. She had sunshine gold hair that fell in curly locks over her black leather jacket. She wore rainbow stockings and high-heeled shoes, but was not wearing gloves. One hand clutched the swing chain; the other delicately held a candy cane brought to black lips. She had one steel grey eye; the other hidden behind an eye patch.


Is she a pirate? Or is she crazy? The woman stared at Alicia, and a shiver ran down her spine.


“Hello, my darling!” the woman cried, waving her hand. “Come sit with me, and we shall talk about life!” Alicia doubted that this was an option, and sat in the swing beside the woman. The woman took the candy cane from her mouth, pursed her lips, and blew into the air. Her breath turned to a mass of spiralling steam in the cold air.


“Darling, isn’t life a wondrous thing? It’s filled with so many unexpected twists and turns! It amazes me,” the woman sighed dreamily.


Alicia stared at the ground, thinking about her mom’s unexpected death. “Yes, it is,” she whispered.


The woman cocked her head at Alicia and pouted. “Life is too short to waste on regrets and sadness. If everyone did that, then we would never be given second chances. If we were never given second chances, then we would never be able to forgive others and atone for our sins, and we would never change. And since life is change, we would never truly live!” The woman said her words with such conviction that Alicia almost believed them.

“What is your name, darling?” the woman asked.


“Alicia. Yours?”


“I haven’t chosen yet. I am a new person every day. Yesterday I was a completely different person, and tomorrow I will have a different identity, but my soul will remain unchanged. For now, you may call me… Lantern.”

“Lantern,” Alicia tasted the word on her tongue. “That’s a strange name.”


“Life is strange!” The woman smiled. “Darling, your soul is wearied with sadness – I would assume the loss of a loved one.”


“How did you know?” Alicia asked, stupefied.


“The people I loved never died, instead they… forced themselves to forget me. I have seen the agony on people’s faces when those that they loved were taken from them. I can never forget their faces – I see them staring at me in my sleep.” The woman paused and drew a breath. “Who was it?”


“My mother.” Alicia twisted her gloves as she spoke. “She was killed in a car crash. An idiot teenager got drunk and…” Alicia couldn’t continue. Her words turned to sobs.


“It’s okay,” Lantern spoke soothingly as she wrapped her arm around Alicia.


“The worst past was that the guy lived,” Alicia was surprised at her own words. She wasn’t a vengeful person, but Lantern was like truth serum.


“Child, I believe that admitting you think the boy should have died is bravery. Few can face the truth, especially their true emotions. That’s why people have breakdowns!” Lantern’s laugh was contagious, and Alicia smiled at the joke.


“Alicia, darling, though you have every right to hate this boy, I ask you that you do not. I have heard that the only reason the boy was driving was because his girlfriend suddenly had a seizure in the driver’s seat. The boy had tried to take her to a hospital, but the combination of the adrenaline, fear, and alcohol in his system worked against him. Alicia, I ask that you try to forgive the boy. We all want to be forgiven; to be given a second chance.”


Lantern gnawed on the candy cane, snapping it in two in her mouth. “Alicia, do you believe in second chances?” Lantern asked suddenly.


Alicia nodded. Her eyelids had started to droop, and she stifled a yawn.


“Child, it is late, and you are tired. Go home and sleep.”


“Goodbye, Lantern,” Alicia yawned as she walked away.


“Farewell. I hope we meet again someday.”


After a few steps, Alicia looked back at the swing set. Lantern was gone; only the dim light of a lamppost and the sound of the wind rustling in the leaves remained.






Alicia woke up to someone knocking loudly on the door. She had fallen asleep on the living room couch. Her coat and gloves littered the floor; she was still wearing her boots. Alicia lumbered to the door, and looked through the peephole. A police officer with grey hair and a thick moustache was standing outside. It was her mom’s old partner, Finnegan.


Alicia sheepishly opened the door and said hello.


“Alicia, I’m sorry to disturb you. Last night, we received a disturbing call from one of your neighbours. He said he was out walking his dog when he saw a strange woman that he recognized from the news in the park. She was an escaped mass murderer, named Serena Grey.” Finnegan held up a small picture. “Have you seen this woman?”


Alicia almost gasped.


The woman had sunshine gold hair, a steel grey eye, and the other hidden behind an eye patch.


It was Lantern.


Alicia couldn’t believe it. Lantern had been kind and understanding… It must be a mistake! Alicia rapidly pieced together the truth of Lantern: She had said that her loved ones had forced themselves to forget about her. Mom once said that the families of murderers try to hide their relation to avoid being ostracized by the public. Lantern had also mentioned that she herself had never lost a loved one, but had seen the sorrow on others’ faces. She had seen sorrow on the faces of her victims’ families’ and friends’ faces. It made sense. Lantern was Serena Grey, a murderer.


“Have you seen her?” Finnegan repeated.


Alicia opened her mouth to speak, but Lantern’s words echoed inside her head: ‘We all want to be forgiven… Alicia, do you believe in second chances?’


Alicia shook her head. “No, I haven’t seen anyone.”

My first story to be posted on YWS. Please tear it to shreds. It's loosely based on something that happened to me. Thanks in advance!

Okay, so you asked for us to rip it to shreds and that is exactly what I intend to do. Please don't take anything personal. I really do like your story. You are very good at showing instead of telling and you use descriptive words to paint strong imagery in my mind. I am very impressed by the plot and the talent evident in your work, especially with your age. I just have a few parts that I would improve:

Ever since her death, Alicia wished that she had looked more like her mother.

Maybe a walk in the fresh air will clear my head, she thought as she lumbered into the front hall. Alicia gingerly put on her coat and boots. She didn’t bother changing out of her pyjamas, and she didn’t want to risk waking up her sister.

Alicia’s legs dragged her to the park, and she headed towards the swings.

Alicia began to laugh; she was having fun.

Alicia slammed her legs down into the dirt and snow, the wind [s]and snow[/s] slashing her face.

After a minute, she raised her head. A person was sitting on the swing.
That’s strange, Alicia thought. I never heard anyone coming.

Is she a pirate? Or is she crazy? The woman stared at Alicia, and a shiver ran down her spine.

“Hello, my darling!” the woman cried, waving her hand. “Come sit with me, and we shall talk about life!” Alicia doubted that this was an option, and sat in the swing beside the woman.

She wasn’t a vengeful person, but Lantern was like truth serum.

“Child, I believe that admitting you think the boy should have died is bravery. Few can face the truth, especially their true emotions. That’s why people have breakdowns!” Lantern’s laugh was contagious, and Alicia smiled at the joke.

“Alicia, darling, though you have every right to hate this boy, I ask you that you do not. I have heard that the only reason the boy was driving was because his girlfriend suddenly had a seizure in the driver’s seat. The boy had tried to take her to a hospital, but the combination of the adrenaline, fear, and alcohol in his system worked against him. Alicia, I ask that you try to forgive the boy. We all want to be forgiven; to be given a second chance.”

Alicia lumbered to the door, and looked through the peephole.

Alicia sheepishly opened the door and said hello.

"Hello." Alicia said as she opened the door.

“Alicia, I’m sorry to disturb you. Last night, we received a disturbing call from one of your neighbours.

[s]The woman had sunshine gold hair, a steel grey eye, and the other hidden behind an eye patch. [/s]It was Lantern.

Alicia couldn’t believe it. Lantern had been kind and understanding… It must be a mistake! Alicia rapidly pieced together the truth of Lantern: She had said that her loved ones had forced themselves to forget about her. Mom once said that the families of murderers try to hide their relation to avoid being ostracized by the public. Lantern had also mentioned that she herself had never lost a loved one, but had seen the sorrow on others’ faces. She had seen sorrow on the faces of her victims’ families’ and friends’ faces. It made sense. Lantern was Serena Grey, a murderer.

Alicia shook her head. “No, I haven’t seen anyone.”

To: Ohio Impromptu, Huff Puff, and AlyssaKyle

Thank you so much for your reviews! I really appreciate it.

I've looked it over, and you guys were right! I'm going to extend Alicia's internal monologue, and find a way to get her to sit next to Lantern.

I really can't thank you enough.

Despite your request, I do not intend to tear this to shreds. I quite liked it. Okay, nit-picking time! It's 'pajamas' not 'pyjamas'. Also, don't be afraind to use pronouns or the word 'it' in the beginning. Some of it was a little repetitve.
You had excellent plot structure in this. I am absolutely in love with Lantern. She made an excellent character. I was truly upset when I found out that she was a murderer, and I loved that Alicia chose not to say anything. Very well done!

Wow. This really is amazing! The ending, especially, was fascinating. At 1st i thought, it was jus a typical boring story bout sum teenage girl with problems but...Whoa! Luved it
xx

Wow. Luved the Ending!! Gr8 Job!

To be honest, I didn't expect much from the first story of a fourteen year-old. I really expected to, as you suggested, rip it apart. But I'm afraid I can't do this, because I really liked this story. The ending was great. The best kinds of twists are those that you don't think the story is even capable of. This starts off as a tragic tale of a girl who lost her mother, and it never gives any hint of being anything beyond that. But a mass murderer was a wonderful touch.

I do have two things that I want to say. They're some things that, depending on what sort of writer you are, you can either take on board or disregard.

First of all, the only point throughout the whole story that I found myself doubting the fact that a girl would sit on the swings next to a strange woman she suspects might be crazy. Now, I understand that it is essential to the story that Alicia sit down, but in her situation, would you sit down? I would not. I'm not sure of what Lantern could say to get her to sit down, but she has to say more than "come sit with me." I'm afraid you'll have to figure this one out, because I could never get Alicia to sit there.

Another thing, along the same lines, is perhaps you should extend the internal monologue Alicia has, particularly when Lantern appears. All the reader gets is:

Is she a pirate? Or is she crazy?