Published August 25, 2011
Once upon a time the King of Jeshear got a letter from a peasant. It said “You are king of a vast frontier that I would like to own a portion of. The piece of the land I would like has a small river in it with some very good looking fish. I will try and match any price you offer and I ensure you it will all be utilized very well. From your engineer, Clyde” the king was angry! How dare this petty man ask for his land! He also wanted to know how he knew that the fish were plenty! Did he go there frequently? He stormed to his bedroom and checked his clock. 9:03. He put on his pajamas and got under his silk covers thinking about who “Clyde” really was.
Princess Gala put down her book and blew out the light. She thought about the feud she had with her father about leaving the palace. She just wanted to see the people, shop at the market, be a regular person for one day. But her father refused. She thought about the barrier separating her from the external world. She was just about to fall asleep when a strong, smelly hand covered her mouth. “Hello puppet.” A gruff voice sneered “follow me and I’ll show you the real world.”
~~~ Clyde was tired. He had transported people everywhere. He had delivered all kinds of stuff like wood, ice, metal he even carried fish and chicken, a few dogs, some cats. He fell asleep easily, but did not stay asleep for long. He dreamed about a beautiful lady who had dark brown hair forest green eyes that looked… scared. He realized her eyes were brimming with tears as she screamed for help. A big burly man was carrying the lady and was riding a wicked looking beast that looked sort of like an overgrown boar. The man had long black hair with blue streaks. He yelled threats at the lady as they rode abreast. Clyde woke up with a start as something soft brushed against his cheek. Clyde’s spirit was fluttering around the room grabbing Clyde’s stuff and putting them in bags. The spirit had already made Clyde some coffee, and his eggs and toast were on the table waiting for him. The coffee smelled good and the eggs and toast were steaming. “Spirits sure know how to make good meals” Clyde thought. As he ate the spirit lifted things up and put the stuff on his train. Clyde thought that someone must have ordered something that was supposed to be with them right now. Or at least in a few minutes. But if that was the case, then why was the spirit packing all of his stuff?
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmm, so right away we have some very fairytale like vibes coming off of this piece right here and I am wondering where this could be heading. Right now things are rather straightforward and simple, with a peasant of sorts asking the king for a piece of land, and the king rather predictable scoffing at the idea and getting quite angry before he goes to bed. It makes for an intriguing point to start on at any rate.
And now we're cutting to the princess who much like a lot of fairytale princesses appears to be at odds with her father about being able to leave...that is a bit of a predictable turn for things to take, but the ending to this paragraph is certainly a fun surprise, cause if my theory is correct, that gruff voice there is Clyde arriving to help the princess get out of the palace.
Ooooh, so it looks like my theory isn't quite so accurate after all, it appears that we've got some other man, who sounds very much like a villain in this scenario is kidnapping the princess by tricking here into following along with him and Clyde is somehow informed of this from a dream. We also get a bit of a description on who Clyde although I must say this is slightly bordering into info dumping territory so you might want to be careful there. For the most part though, this is quite exciting and that ending with Clyde realizing something out of the ordinary is going on comes together to form a pretty intriguing start to this here piece...this certainly sounds interesting enough that I might read more of this here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi Paws. This piece is very short so I don't have a ton to say about it. But I will get right to the review.
The first thing I want to mention is the different POVs (Point of views). I think you need to slow down a ton. It is really hard to switch that fast for a reader. I suggest you make each POV longer. Maybe you could switch every chapter. It will also be easier for you to write because you won't have to switch personalities, thoughts, and feelings so often. If you stick to one POV for longer you will be able to really get into the character.
That brings me to another thing. I don't really feel any personalities. We have three characters so far: The King, Gala, and this Clyde dude. They all seem a bit bland right now. I want to feel more emotion I guess. Give me their wishes, hopes, and disappointments. Slow down and just tell me about them even. Do you know your characters? Sometimes it is nice just to slow down and make up facts about your characters. First write down the basics what they look like, how old they are and such. Then describe their personality. This way if you ever question yourself in consistency of your characters you can just look back at your notes and see what they are supposed to be acting like. This will also help you to make your characters more dramatic without you doubting yourself.
So my main point is slow down. Besides that I can't say much because this is so short. I can't really say I want to read more but that is only because it takes me more than three paragraphs to get into a novel.
Hope I helped,
Calli <3 Forever Shamrockers!
P.S. One last thing is the title of the Novel. If you are going to have Gala's and the King's POVs in there I don't really know if it is right. It also didn't really catch my eye. But of course you can change the title when you get more into the story.
Okay first off this story was a great one but I have a few questions.
Not to be mean or anything but this piece needs more adjectives. It was a good story in fact great but just to short and not very detailed. Like when you also said It would have been best if you talked a little more about the princess instead of jumping to Clyde.1. Are you gonna make more to it?
2. Way is it kind of short?
There is not much detail in it like when you said