Love is a lie : Chapter one!

Chapter one,

Can’t help falling in love.

Therapy: treatment intended to relieve or heal a disorder; a remedy with the plan of fixing all the fucked up things about you. It isn’t something anybody thinks about until you find yourself stuck in the circle of trauma and raw emotion — known as a counselling session. Therapy is a rollercoaster when you’re lacking sobriety; everything is a blur but you’re exhilarated by the thrill and anticipation. Yet, at the same time, you want to get off. The neurotic anxiety overcomes your body and nausea begins to suffocate you. Suddenly, you’re trapped in a vicious torment of your own mind. There is no escape.

Tea sat in the room, her hand trembling over her lap. She passed her fingers through the knots of her dark hair, struggling to sit still. It seemed strange, she thought, to be in a bright room. The four walls were coated in a songbird blue with matching cushions and rugs; the colours reminded her of the seaside. She was half expecting to see those little lighthouse ornaments and pretend boats (the one's cliche to a coastal chalet). There was minimal decor with just a chair and a sofa sat opposite each other; a few cabinets in the corner and several certificates on the far wall, to prove Dr Alexander’s qualifications and reliability. There was a large window that overlooked the bay, adding to the ocean feel.

She could see several people outside, mainly runners. They were all dressed in athletic gear, each sharing a goal or ambition. Tea was lacking that determination and drive. She watched them all speed into the distance; all running after a pointless time or personal best. They thought that they were training for the Olympics. They were convincing themselves that it would get them somewhere if they just kept running. Maybe they were right. In fact, they probably were but it was abnormal to Tea. It seemed so stupid that they never went further than a step without an aim or a target in mind. She thought, maybe life would be easier if she planned ahead and didn’t spend her days making irrational decisions. But then again, where’s the fun in that?

Tea had googled ‘decent counsellors in the general Cardiff area’ a week prior. She’d flickered through several websites and made judgements on middle-aged women and old men, who would offer some terrible insight on their pathetic lives and not help her. Then, she stumbled across Dr Alexander. He would ‘take a modern approach to give the support you need. An informal man, who will feel more like a friend than a therapist, will help tear down the walls of your mind. Providing a critical insight into the problematic woes in your life, helping you make the right change’. Or at least that’s what it said on his webpage. Perfect, Tea laughed when she found him. It was what she needed: an unconventional man to work through her failed attempt at her early twenties.

The door to the room was pushed open and her new therapist glided in. He was a handsome man, in his early thirties, who reminded her of a colt. Long, gangling legs but with a definite lack of control as he walked — yet still with a sense of confidence about him. He sat down opposite her and grabbed a pen from his pocket. He muttered a ‘Hello, Sophie’. His voice a stereotypical Chelsea accent, standing out from the relaxed Welsh tones she was familiar with. He glanced at his notes several times before addressing her properly,

“My name is Dr Alexander, you can refer to me as Nicky. I prefer a more relaxed approach. I am here to support you and help identify the problematic issues of your life, enabling you to make a positive change.” Tea couldn’t help but chuckle, it was almost exactly what the website had told her.

“Everyone calls me Tea. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr Nicky. It is a pleasure to meet you, Nicky.” She smiled, compelled by the stampede of elephants charging through her body. She ignored the fact she’d repeated her words, dying inside. Tea wasn’t good with social interaction. She was close to a few people and came out of her shell after several drinks. She made a mental note to herself, have three shots of vodka before the next session.

Nicky didn’t look up. He spent the first ten minutes reading notes and making observations. Tea hadn’t been sure if he was wanting an answer or just murmuring to himself. She stayed quiet. She was slightly taken aback by the lack of direction. She figured it was due to it being the first session, he just needed time to vibe a little. This was costing her fifty pounds a second; she really wished he would just get on with it. She found herself exclaiming ‘finally’ when he eventually muttered ‘right, let’s do this’. He didn’t notice.

Tea had worked out that Dr Alexander (or Nicky or whoever this man was) spoke is thoughts rather than think them. He sort of instructed himself on his plan but forgot the whole in your head part. Then again, all therapists were a bit out there. Weren’t they?

“To start, We’re going to a little exercise that will help develop my understanding of yourself.” Nicky’s voice was sterner compared to when he first came in. It still carried a sense of reason but was now tainted with more of a direct approach — almost teacher like. “I’d like you to describe how you view yourself in a few sentences for me. Is that okay?”

Tea nodded, smiling slightly. She thought, for a moment, about what to say. First impressions were important, especially to someone who is going to spend the next hour analysing your behaviour. “I’d say I’m… quite reserved and very passionate about things I believe in or love. I’m okay looking, relatively smart. I lack common sense and am average in all senses.”

Nicky looked at her. He had crossed his legs over each other and, sort of, perched forward on the seat. “Can you elaborate on what you mean by ‘average in all senses’?” As he spoke, he aggressively scribbled away onto a pad of paper resting on his knee.

Tea chuckled slightly, “I suppose… I guess… It just means that I’m nothing special.” She smiled, impulsively. “I don’t really stand out that much. I’m never the prettiest in the room nor the ugliest. I’m never the smartest nor the dumbest. I’m never the special one. I’m just a bog standard.”

“Lacks confidence. Deluded. Fucking fit, to be honest, model material and very good figure but thinks she is a minger.” Nicky muttered as he wrote. Tea wasn’t sure what to say but it did bring a faint smile to her face.

He glanced at her for a moment, continuing to write notes and whisper them aloud. He thought, despite her own view, she was a very gorgeous young woman. Her complexion was clear with an olive tan to her skin. He looked into her hazel eyes, getting lost for a second. She dressed casual — a pair of blue skinny jeans and a cropped striped top which exposed her midriff and pierced belly button. It was noticeable that she took good care of herself. Despite her casual dress sense, her personality shone through her makeup. Nicky thought deep down she was confident. Only confident girls wear red lips, very few could pull it off but she did. It made him wonder who had stepped all over her, to make her feel so little about herself. To him, she was beautiful. The only person who didn’t see her beauty was herself.

“Okay Tea, now I’d like you to describe how those you’ve been with romantically would describe you.” Nicky nodded for her to start talking. She began to see that he was a man of few words but liked to speak many that he didn’t mean to say.

“I think they would probably argue that I’m a little bit out there; that I’m supportive and loving but very closed off.” Tea paused for a few seconds, that took hours to pass. “I think they’d say I know what I want in life but don’t like upsetting those I care about.” She smiled, looking out across the bay. She was sure that she had spotted the familiar mousy brown head walk past. Their hands locked into Elle’s. She shook her head, pushing the thoughts to the back of her head.

“Closed, doesn’t like talking about her feelings. She was definitely faking it with most of them; supportive of their achievements and decisions. Probably, sacrificed her own happiness for theirs. Out there, in the sheets, and missed off that they enjoyed looking at her.” Tea was becoming accustomed to Nicky’s vocal thoughts. They shocked her. She didn’t say anything.

* * * *

The next half hour was spent discussing how Tea felt and what she wanted to achieve out of these sessions. She had heard Nicky mutter ‘wow, pretty screwed for a 21-year-old’ and strangely found it comforting. Nicky had decided that the root of most of her problems were trust and relationship issues. He went on to say that he’d had a cancellation and recommended that she had a double session. She obliged, muttering to herself two hours with this nutcase!

“Tea, I’d like you to talk me through your current romantic relationship(s)” Nicky nodded, agreeing with himself. He reached for a sip of water. She couldn’t help but notice the scar on his wrist and the fading tan line on his ring finger.

“It’s complicated.” How cliche! She sighed, wondering how many women came in and started off their discussion by saying those words. “There is a guy of sorts but it isn’t a relationship — far from it. He works with my brother and he’s a couple years older. There’s always been something. I’ve felt a certain way about him for a while.”

Tea looked out the window, catching a glimpse of the same head of hair. He was laughing now, leaning to wipe a smudge of ice cream form Elle’s chin. God, he looked so happy. It stabbed her slightly, to see him. A pair of skinny jeans, a khaki top and his hair longer than normal.

Nicky chuckled to himself. He had remembered how he felt at her age. The same feelings about some girl who was no good for him. Tea reminded him of his former self. He hoped she wouldn’t end up in the same unhappy life that he had. Young people needed more optimism and support from the start, not when they get to their late twenties and are forced to battle with their emotions on their own. He found himself drawn to her personality and was determined to help her.

“Have you ever spoken to him about how you feel?” Nicky scribbled some more notes. “Do you know how he feels?”

Tea was more relaxed than when she started the session. She made another mental note to herself: just the one shot of vodka before an appointment.

“We’ve had a conversation.” Tea glanced at the clock on the wall, avoiding the window at all costs. “I’ve never shouted it from the rooftops but he knows. He told me how he felt, I think. It was a strange day but he said it in so many words.”

Nicky stopped saying random thoughts aloud. He replied with questions, anticipating the answer. “What did he say?”

“He asked me what would I do if there was someone who I felt something for…” She paused, closing her eyes. “if I knew it was wrong. What would I do, if I knew it couldn’t happen?”

Steff was laughing at something, a beer bottle in one hand and the other tangled in Tea’s hair. She was laughing with him, a hand on his chest, and sat on the kitchen counter. She swayed her legs to the side, glancing to see if anyone was nearby. She smiled, looking at him in a sense of awe. He felt compelled to hold onto her, and never let go. He cherished moments like this and the rarity of them seemed to make it poignant.

“You… You’re pretty good at making shit decisions that turn out half decent.” He slurred as he spoke, the alcohol hit his system, He stumbled forward. His hand fell to her hip. “If there was someone who you had a connection with, that you felt something for, but you know it’s wrong — what would you do?”

Her eyes flickered between his lips and the window. “Do they feel the same?” She ran her nails down his shirt, chuckling as she felt his muscles through the material.

“I’ve got a pretty good feeling…” He looked around, catching a glimpse of Jay in the garden. Oh, how he’d kill him if he knew what was going on inside his head. Steff leant forward, breathing heavily onto Tea’s neck. “But, it could never happen.”

“Don’t they deserve to know how you feel?” Tea bit her lip, placing one of her hands on the back of his neck and pulling him closer to her body,

“I think they already do…” Their lips collided and the noise from the party faded. She wrapped her legs around his waist; an eruption of fireworks set off around them. Sparks flew across the kitchen and it was just them. At that moment, Tea didn’t want anything else; Steff didn’t want to move away from her. They had no choice but to pull apart as the footsteps got louder.

Steff stood back, looking in the fridge and Tea closed her eyes remembering the taste of minty lip balm. Just like that, it was over — before it ever really began.

“Was it more than physical attraction?” Nicky didn’t want an answer. Tea thought for a second and found herself looking across the bay once again.

In her head, she had always thought that he meant he liked her. She took it as a declaration of love, not lust. But, as she looked back on it she saw where Nicky was coming from. The day it happened was last June and they were both quite drunk; Steff’s team had won the championship and there was a massive party. She shook her head; drunk actions were sober thoughts. It wasn’t like their relationship was built on sex. They had never got that far (although at times it had been close). There was more to them than that. They actually spoke and not just about their day or the weather; they talked about their futures and their pasts. They spoke about their emotions. Tea didn’t know if she was in love with him but she knew that she felt more to him than just lust; she was sure he did too.

She could see the head of hair but he was alone this time. He walked away from the bench and left Elle sat there. She wiped a tear from her eye and shouted something at him. He turned around, threw his hands up in defence and shouted an apology. Tea couldn’t read exactly what he said. She thought he had exclaimed ‘I can’t be with you when I love her!’ But it could’ve been ‘I kissed her, big deal!’ Or even ‘Whatever Elle!’. It didn’t really matter what he had said, she couldn’t help but smile.

* * * *

The rest of the session was spent discussing where Tea should go from here. In next week’s appointment, they would discuss her family relationships but first she had to make a few small changes in her love life first. Nicky had suggested that she should reduce the amount she sees Steff or alternatively makes steps to tell him how she feels. He had mentioned that she should evaluate whether he was really worth the heartache. Tea hadn’t replied, she wanted to shout yes but she didn’t think he’d approve.

Tea left the room with a spring in her step, smiling uncontrollably. The streets of Cardiff smiled back at her. She figured that this is what it felt like to finally have your life back on track. Even though, her own was far from it.

Appreciate any advice and improvement suggestions. Thanks for reading :)