z

Young Writers Society



My Cold Vampire Heart

by authorleesa


Chapter 1

"You look beautiful sweetheart". My mother was all in danger of ruining her make-up with the tears, welling up in her eyes. I guess she had every reason to be all happy and excited, because this is the first time she's been able to get me to wear a dress in over 10 years. I'm 19 by the way. My father walked in to stand by my mother's side, he comforted her and gave her his hanky, to blow her nose on, which she did noisily. "Finally you look appropriate daughter, you are of noble blood yet you wear men's clothes and have knives on your person almost all the time. The dress makes you look beautiful, you will definitely catch the princes eye". He looked at me proudly for the first time since I was born.

"Alice my daughter, why do you insist on wearing men's clothes, when you are so beautiful". She blew her nose again, so hard I imagined her eyes popping out of her head. My father patted her back and looked at me. I rolled my eyes and glared at him until he looked back down at my mother, I didn't answer. "Why can't you be like your sister Rose". Asked my mother, who had finally calmed down. I tried not to laugh. My sister Rose flirted with anything that moved, not that my mother noticed. I rolled my eyes at my mother again. "Because I'm Alice and I'm not Rose's twin". "Don't you be smart young lady, you will treat us with respect". My father pointed his finger at me. At that moment a maid hurried in and said that the carriage was ready to leave. My father gave me a warning glance before he escorted my mother out. I followed them out quietly, without a sound.

The carriage ride to the castle was quiet and I just gazed out the window at the forest, where I'd rather be. I spent most of my time in the forest, I was a silent hunter and I never missed. But most of the time I just sat in the tree-tops listening to the birds and other animal's of the forest. They were my friends. I had a special gift, all vampires had one, but they usually only got it when they changed at the age of 20, which was when they became a fully fledged vampire. But I'd always had mine, I had more than one. I could talk to animals, shape shift into any animal I wanted for as long as I wanted and I could also make things out of nothing, like knives and swords. I could even become a shadow and I had enhanced senses, even at night. But I'd never told my parent's that It wasn't just my clothes that made me different. They would tell everyone and then I'd never have any peace and quiet. All vampires would want to be like me.

We arrive at the castle and there was a big crowd of nobles all dressed in their best attire. All the young lady's were dressed in big, sparkly dresses and expensive jewellery to attract the princes attention. I scoffed at them all as I hopped out of the carriage with a hunters grace, instead of being helped down. My parents looked at me disapprovingly and motioned for me to follow as everyone was allowed into the ballroom. My sister Rose would be jealous, she had a cold and was in bed whining. But even if she wasn't sick she was still too young to attend the ball because she was only 15.

The Ballroom was huge, on a raised platform at the head of the ballroom, there were four thrones. The two thrones in the middle were larger than the others, the king sat on the left and the queen sat on the right. The prince, whose birthday was the main reason for the ball, sat at the king's side and his sister the young princess Fiona sat next to the queen. Once everyone had entered the great ballroom, The doors were closed by two guards. As everyone saw the royals, they began to stop and stare in awe, eventually it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. After a few minutes silence the king stood up to address his subjects. His voice echoed loudly, "It gladdens me to see all of you here tonight and I'm happy to say that by the end of this night, my Newly turned son will have found a bride to spend the rest of his long life with. I know he will choose well, let the dancing begin!". The king gestured to the musicians and the great ballroom was filled with loud music. Servants came as if out of nowhere, serving drinks and small treats to the awed nobles. Alice kept her eyes on the king, nothing else interested her, they held no worth. The king sat down next to the queen again and before settling down into a conversation with her, motioned for his son the prince, to join the festivities and begin his search for a wife. Alice had no intention of being chosen by the prince to be his bride and she wasn't to modest to know she had a chance, so she slipped away to find a dark corner to spend the majority of the night.

Prince Tom's P.O.V

After my father had told me to join the festivities and 'have fun' I walked down off the platform and joined the crowd. I had convinced my father to allow me to wear simple clothes so that I could blend in more. All the young ladies with there perfume and complicated dresses were trying to get my attention, but I finally managed to slip away. I knew that I had to find a wife this evening, but I had to get away for a while. I saw a perfect spot to hide, it was a small corner away from the main part of the crowd and it was in shadow, I made my way towards it. I was almost there, when I caught sight of a young lady in a blue dress sitting there already, with the newly enhanced abilities of a fully fledged vampire I could just see her face. I stop dead in my tracks and stood staring at her, she was so beautiful, the very image of perfection. I made my decision and turned around towards where my father sat, making my way towards him.

Back to Alice's P.O.V

I felt like I was being watched, out of the corner of my eye I could see someone standing and looking right at me, obviously unaware that I knew they were watching me. It was a young man in nobles clothes, so I ignored him and let my mind wander...

A trumpet was sounded and the music stopped playing. Everyone turned to look at the king, who was standing again with the prince at his side. "My loyal subjects, it is time for my sons decision". Declared the king, who looked suspiciously happy. All the young ladies pushed their way to the front and tried to look as appealing as possible, as the prince made his way down off the platform. Alice stood at the back of the crowd and watched all the young ladies make fools of themselves, she found it quite amusing. The prince pushed past all the girls at the front who looked disappointed, some even started crying, but the price ignored them and his eyes searched the crowd. For some reason Alice had a sinking sensation in her stomach that he was looking for someone in a blue dress, as she recognised him as the man from before who had seemed so interested in her. That she had dismissed as a random nobleman and the feeling was confirmed as he spotted her and his eyes sparkled, as if he had found what he was looking for. He strode towards her and their gazes locked, she only just concealed her horror. He reached her and took her limp hand in his, leading her back towards the platform to stand beside the king, who was smiling a smile so wide and so happy she wouldn't have been surprised if it was now stuck that way.

The prince pulled her closer to him and put his arm around her waist. "I have chosen this woman to be my wife and to rule by my side for as long as I shall live". There was clapping and trumpets, but everything had gone blurry for Alice, she saw only one thing clearly and that was her parents smiling proudly at her and her mother blowing her nose on her fathers hanky. The world faded to black and she fainted.


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21 Reviews


Points: 1040
Reviews: 21

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Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:09 pm
aliepalie wrote a review...



At first I thought: Yay! Vampire!
Then I thought: No! Mary Sue!

I could talk to animals, shape shift into any animal I wanted for as long as I wanted and I could also make things out of nothing, like knives and swords. I could even become a shadow and I had enhanced senses, even at night.

Then I thought: What the..
And then slowly.. I started to like the story.
Well done, but I was reminded of a lot of persons I already know and story's of princesses like Cinderella.
Blue dress, prince, you know what I mean.
Also, I don't know if you've seen Shrek.. But when I read: 'Princess Fiona', I couln't help but laugh a little.
Still I kind of liked the story, well done.
I don't know if you're planning to write this story further, or if it was just a one shot, but if you do, I'm gonna read it.




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Points: 934
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Sat Jan 22, 2011 4:03 am
authorleesa says...



To anyone who reads this story. I know there are alot of spelling and grammar errors, just so you know that I know XD.
For some reason when I write stories, no matter how many times I check before posting, there are always weird errors that shouldn't be there. Its too much of a hassle to correct them, so I just leave them. I'm too busy most of the time to check these things constantly, so sorry. Please try to ignore it. Also I'd like to say that I haven't been writing much lately, I've been doing other things, especially over christmas.

I know I kind of throw too many details in the readers face all at once, but I've been trying to correct that. As you should all know writing a good story can be quite difficult, I'm trying my best. My character my seem like a 'Mary-sue" but that's only the outer shell, I just don't know the correct way to express her true being. When I look inside my head I can see it perfectly, I just haven't quite figured out how to express it in words yet, I have a lifetime for that.

Writing and dreaming are a major part of my life, the people in my stories all carry a part of me, I understand them completely, they are all unique. Their feelings make me sad, angry, happy all at once and I'm glad that I can have a glimpse of their world. I guess I'm probably crazy, but most writers are.

Thanks for taking the time to read my work.

Yours sincerely,
Leesa.




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121 Reviews


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Wed Mar 17, 2010 2:42 pm
PhoenixBishop says...



Prince Tom's P.O.V

I could just see her face. I stop dead in my tracks and stood staring at her, she was so beautiful, the very image of perfection. I made my decision and turned around towards where my father sat, making my way towards him.


Stopped is the correct tense.


Back to Alice's P.O.V


If you were going to witch back so fast you probably shouldn't have made the switch in the first place.


This wasn't bad start. I'm interested in this particular vampire society in which they are royalty with so far no sign of humans. So the idea is good, but I think you need to work on the style of your writing a little. For instance the portion I mentioned before about showing and not telling.


Overall very interesting idea. I also want to warn against POV changes. If your going to have multiple view point characters either separate it by chapters or in between paragraphs place *** centered. Although you should probaly limit this to about two shifts at most in any one chapter.




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121 Reviews


Points: 1779
Reviews: 121

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Mon Mar 15, 2010 6:51 pm
PhoenixBishop wrote a review...



Phoenix here to review.

I guess she had every reason to be all happy and excited, because this is the first time she's been able to get me to wear a dress in over 10 years.


Spell out all numbers less then 100.

I'm 19 by the way.


Here too.

My father walked in to stand by my mother's side, he comforted her and gave her his hanky, to blow her nose on, which she did noisily.

"
Finally you look appropriate daughter, you are of noble blood yet you wear men's clothes and have knives on your person almost all the time.


This is a bit direct. Show don't tell. The girl knows full well how she usually dresses. The father reminding her seems to be more for the reader then for her. To show the knife thing you could have your character even now trying to hide knives up her skirt and her mother find it. Also place in a tag so I know who is saying this. Judging from the next sentence I'd say it's the father, but I'm not sure.


"Alice my daughter, why do you insist on wearing men's clothes, when you are so beautiful"


Repatatve. Have this question occur with the first statement about her clothes.


"Why can't you be like your sister Rose". Asked my mother, who had finally calmed down. I tried not to laugh. My sister Rose flirted with anything that moved, not that my mother noticed. I rolled my eyes at my mother again. "Because I'm Alice and I'm not Rose's twin". "Don't you be smart young lady, you will treat us with respect". My father pointed his finger at me. At that moment a maid hurried in and said that the carriage was ready to leave. My father gave me a warning glance before he escorted my mother out. I followed them out quietly, without a sound.


Ok this is back and forth dioulge, which means pargarph breaks.
Quietly impies with out a sound.

The carriage ride to the castle was quiet and I just gazed out the window at the forest, where I'd rather be. I spent most of my time in the forest, I was a silent hunter and I never missed. But most of the time I just sat in the tree-tops listening to the birds and other animal's of the forest. They were my friends. I had a special gift, all vampires had one, but they usually only got it when they changed at the age of 20, which was when they became a fully fledged vampire. But I'd always had mine, I had more than one. I could talk to animals, shape shift into any animal I wanted for as long as I wanted and I could also make things out of nothing, like knives and swords. I could even become a shadow and I had enhanced senses, even at night. But I'd never told my parent's that It wasn't just my clothes that made me different. They would tell everyone and then I'd never have any peace and quiet. All vampires would want to be like me.


Large info dump. Spread this out sporadically through out you piece. For this part just have her thinking about the forest. The thoughts on her powers isn't really a logical jump a person would make. Also your character is headed in the direction of being a Mary Sue. http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic58718.html
She seems to be a bit overpowered.


As everyone saw the royals, they began to stop and stare in awe, eventually it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.


Do not use that cliche
After a few minutes silence the king stood up to address his subjects. His voice echoed loudly, "It gladdens me to see all of you here tonight and I'm happy to say that by the end of this night, my Newly turned son will have found a bride to spend the rest of his long life with
.

Why is that capitalized.

When I have time I'll finish reviewing this.




authorleesa says...


In this vampire society Newly is a title, sort of like Fledgling, its capitalized to show that. Eventually when I finish this story I'll have a reference in the back. Unfortunately, at the moment I'm trying to sort out my life so I haven't had a lot of time to write. Hopefully that situation will change soon, as RL calls. :(




People ask if I ever experience writer's block and I just have to laugh... that's my default position.
— Aaron Sorkin