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The Wise Man and The Barber

by aulyasela3597


One day, a certain man went to a barbershop to shave his long hair which covers the shoulders and ears. While the barber shaves the man's hair, the barber asks him a question.

“Sir, are you a man who believe the existence of God or not..?”, asked the barber in order to entertained his customer out of boredom.

“Oh, yes, I am, of course. No more doubt. I’m a man who believes of God’s existence, who creates humans and other living creatures.”, answered the man steadily.

“Then, I’m the opposite, Sir. I’m a man who don’t believe the existence of God.” said the barber.

“Eh..? Why did you misdoubt about the existence of God..? Are you having a bitter experience with God before...??”, asked the customer with curiosity.

Before he could answer, the barber asked his customer to look outside the window, there was a dirty pauper tried to collect leftovers in the garbage.

“Look at the poor pauper, Sir!”, said the barber. “If God really do exists, how come God just letting the pauper starve. Then, where is the God’s nature, The Merciful and The Compassionate...??”

The man who was in the middle of having shaved couldn’t argue more about the barber’s explanation, it makes sense at all. And the barber can only smiled proudly, it was a victory that his argument can broke his customer’s opinion.

After he done shaving and paid the barber. The man rise up from the seat, and take a step to the exit door. However, suddenly he stopped him while from behind the door, he saw a crazy man with an unkempt long hair and beard. He went back to see the barber again quickly.

“Sir, I finally realized that there were no barbers in this world.”, said the customer satirizing.

Before he could answer, the man asked the barber to go out too see a crazy man who still standing there.

“If a barber actually do exist, why there is a man who had his hair unkempt like that?”, asked the customer again.

“Hahahahahah!!! Oh my, oh my, Sir. It’s not because the barber don’t exist, but they are just don’t want to come and ask a favor to me.”, explained the barber.

“Well then, what was the difference with your question about God’s existence earlier?”

“Ok, well, we are now scored same, Sir!”, said the barber.

“Yes, there were a lot of arrogant peoples who doesn’t want to know their God, they didn’t come or ask His right guides or even ask for His help.”, said the wise man, his customer.

THE END


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9 Reviews


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Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:31 pm
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Chase7 wrote a review...



Hey aulyasela! Chase here for a review.

I personally like to start with the good things then move onto the bad. So first thing first :), i love the concept of the story as well as the reasons behind it, mostly because i'm ac christian but also because the barber raised a good fight but it was countered against him in the end.

Now the bad :(

I suggest you send a draft of your piece to a friend so they can proofread it before posting it so you can avoid language mistakes. The whole piece was filled with spelling and grammar mistakes that were carelessly made and show that the writer didn't even look back at his own work before posting it or else it wouldn't be there. Some sentence completely lose me because they don't even make a bit of sense to me. Like:

"they didn’t come or ask His right guides or even ask for His help."

Only half of this you can interpret but the rest is gibberish. I don't think a story about faith and God should be so carelessly written. And then the random question which popped out of nowhere. Before the barber asks this question, you should of had a build up to the topic of faith. Maybe like something about Jesus on TV and then the barber quickly changes the channel and then the conversation could actually start. Or the customer could say a quick prayer before cutting his hair which catches the barber's attention.

"asked the barber in order to entertained his customer out of boredom."

Just no. There is way too much exposition there. I know the reason of putting it there was to explain the reason behind the question but it doesn't blend well at all.

I'm sorry if i made it sound like this was a bad piece, i just wanted to make you aware of your mistakes and suggest ways to make i better for the reader's convenience. But i did like the overall story without the careless mistakes.

Keep writing
Chase




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Sun Jul 01, 2018 9:36 am
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ayushinav wrote a review...



hello @aulyasela3597,
ayushinav here for a review.
First of all, your work has a grammatical issue. Something you need to sort out as it dilutes the quality of your work. You will not be able to transfer the vibrations that you wanted your work should have done.
Secondly, the use of dialogues is something you are good at. The whole story was well connected through polite dialogues.
Your idea to prove the existence of God is a decent one but I feel it would have got more interesting if more arguments were presented, especially in some sort of humor. Moreover, I would like if you carried on the talks with the argument against the existence of a Supreme that the barbers are not omnipresent wheras He is.
Keep up with your work and ignore any remarks you find insulting as I did not intend to do so.




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Sun Jul 01, 2018 8:39 am
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Solan wrote a review...



Hey, Solan her for a quick review. on your work.

I loved the concept of the story and how you wanted to use a conversation to convey the overall message, but Like aelihe said the questions asked is a bit random. People can sometimes feel really strongly about it and it might damage a business.
I think you should find a better way to get the story started.

There were a lot of grammatical errors throughout the story but that can easily be fixed with a little bit of practice and research. You have great ideas, all you have to do is find a way to portray the story better.

I hope you keep writing
-Solan




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7 Reviews


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Sun Jul 01, 2018 2:18 am
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aelihe wrote a review...



I liked the idea of the man and the barber, but it seems strange that a random barber would ask such a question that is known to separate people. That being said, I think this story touches on many debates that believers and non-believers face when trying to acknowledge God's existence. This is a piece that needed to be created simply to show a decade long argument and how different people find God's truth in different things.




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Mon Jun 25, 2018 5:14 pm
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saifmmlp2 wrote a review...



This is amazing and a great read, which I will tell to friends and family for sure. I love the concept and the way it is portrayed. You may need to work on your grammar, spelling and formality. It's a story about God, so I personally feel it should be more formal and the laughing is a little TOO exaggerated, but overall, it's really good and keep going!




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Sun Jun 24, 2018 10:28 am
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mouclarion87 wrote a review...



Hello, Mourice here :)

What a nice first story you've ever brought here in YWS. You're already made your move and attempt. You did a great job! :D

Unfortunately, you may want to fix the work....

There are pretty much grammatical errors and bad spellings here. I found it rather confusing like a metaphor of the central of the story, questioning the existence of God. It is becoming a moral debate for sure. no one will ever fully have any answer to give, but that's what makes it fascinating to explore. We have to come to our own conclusions. Remember, keep writing and practising! :)

I'm definitely looking forward for your next work! Stay inspired :)

Warm regards,

Mourice




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Thu Jun 21, 2018 9:30 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hey aulyasela!

Elinor here dropping by to give you a review. What I liked about this story is how it tonally felt like either a fairytale or a fable. It's something that feels somewhat removed for our world but still has something to say about it, as the interaction between barber and customer feels like a metaphor for the central question of this piece: the existence of god. It's definitely a moral debate that no one will ever fully have any answer to, but that's what makes it fascinating to explore. We have to come to our own conclusions.

I was a little confused by what you were trying to say by the end, though. The barber has fair points, and he seems to be dismissed. Your story reminded me of [urlhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOpsJ8dh5L4&t=10s]this[/url] scene from Ordinary People, which deals with the same central question. In it, you have two characters, Conrad and Jeannine. Jeannine believes in God. Conrad does not. You get the sense that he wants to, but cannot because all of the hardship he's been through in his life. Jeannine is simply optimistic. It makes it simple, but compelling, and we understand why each character feels the way that they do, even if we don't agree with them. I would consider that when you're revising your piece.

The other thing was your grammar and spelling. It was a bit distracting, and took me out of the story on a few occasions. If you're looking to brush up on your skills, the Grammar and Research section of the Knowledge Base has a ton of great articles.

Hope this helps! Keep writing, and feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions.

Best,
Elinor






Thank you for the helpful review Elinor :D Much appreciated it!



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Thu Jun 21, 2018 12:20 am
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Relaxistence88 says...



Whoa :D First story you've ever uploaded! Great attempt! I'm so looking forward to see your next story :)




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Wed Jun 20, 2018 11:55 am
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Storybraniac wrote a review...



Hi! Welcome to yws! I realized this is your first work. The main idea of the story may be a bit cliched, and to some extent, controversial, but it's a witty idea nonetheless.

Moving on. Spelling mistakes and grammar errors are very common occurrences, and they often bring down the reader's interests. It just, makes the story lack enthusiasm. I will point them out at the end.

Sentence structuring. Somewhere in between the story, I got a bt lost. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, after reading the next lines.

"However he suddenly stopped him while from behind the door..."

I'm not sure what this line is trying to express. Perhaps you meant he saw the unkempt man and stopped in his tracks? This is why characters may have been a plus point. Although this is a pretty short story. But with three male characters all going by 'he', the story does get confusing in places.

Ok. To be blunt with you, the ending didn't catch me. The most important part of shorts, because they should be simple and to the point, is the ending. The story itself is very predictable, if I'm honest with you. You might like to go through some of the works by other members, for some inspiration. The final 'quote' seems off. Maybe the grammar error may have contributed to that? I'm not sure what you're trying to imply by using past tense. And who exactly is this 'His' referencing now? Maybe you could fix that a bit?

I'm probably not the best person for this review. I'm not sure whether this short is trying to prove the arrogance of the barber, or further some kind of belief in god, either of which kind of turns me off in terms of reading. I don't know. Just personal preference. Don't heed any changes if you were focusing on a different audience.

There seems to be quite a few errors in this piece. I won't be highlighting them. I'm not really great at reviewing and I'm pretty sure this review would turn trash if it's just a list of spell checks.
Nevertheless, if this is aimed at the younger demographic, then, it's ok I guess. But the younger audience would prefer their stories to flow more easily, which could be helped with checks. This was a good effort for a first piece. I'll keep a look out for your future works, perhaps something for a higher demographic? See ya around!!

-Stor






Hi Stor, thanks for reading and your review!! Thanks for the suggestions and your helpful advice- really appreciated it! I will try my best to learn from my mistakes and improve my writing skill :)




The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet.
— Aristotle