Young Writers Society

Hi aulyasela3597,

Mailice here with a short review!

From what I've read, you've created a very interesting short story, almost like a parable, but set in modern times. I like this modern approach and think that you really hit the nail on the head with making a little philosophical excursion with the story.

You manage to get a lot out of this in simple language and most of all I like that you've portrayed the barber well and given him this victory. It shows a bit of the haughtiness with which he comes across and that you don't always have to fight back straight away when you're right in a belief but don't have the right answer at the moment.

I think you create a second message in the story; sometimes the cleverer one is the one who doesn't know the answer right away, but only presents it afterwards. I also really liked how towards the end the barber just gives insight that it's now a draw. Definitely a little highlight from my side.

I'll be brief on the grammatical part because I think the other reviewers have already gone into more detail, but I would advise you, when you're done with a story, to let it sit for a while and maybe read it again an hour or two later to eliminate most of the mistakes.

In summary, a great story, with some needed grammar repairs, but otherwise a great story with a great image.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Hey aulyasela! Chase here for a review.

I personally like to start with the good things then move onto the bad. So first thing first , i love the concept of the story as well as the reasons behind it, mostly because i'm ac christian but also because the barber raised a good fight but it was countered against him in the end.

Now the bad

I suggest you send a draft of your piece to a friend so they can proofread it before posting it so you can avoid language mistakes. The whole piece was filled with spelling and grammar mistakes that were carelessly made and show that the writer didn't even look back at his own work before posting it or else it wouldn't be there. Some sentence completely lose me because they don't even make a bit of sense to me. Like:

"they didn’t come or ask His right guides or even ask for His help."

Only half of this you can interpret but the rest is gibberish. I don't think a story about faith and God should be so carelessly written. And then the random question which popped out of nowhere. Before the barber asks this question, you should of had a build up to the topic of faith. Maybe like something about Jesus on TV and then the barber quickly changes the channel and then the conversation could actually start. Or the customer could say a quick prayer before cutting his hair which catches the barber's attention.

"asked the barber in order to entertained his customer out of boredom."

Just no. There is way too much exposition there. I know the reason of putting it there was to explain the reason behind the question but it doesn't blend well at all.

I'm sorry if i made it sound like this was a bad piece, i just wanted to make you aware of your mistakes and suggest ways to make i better for the reader's convenience. But i did like the overall story without the careless mistakes.

Keep writing
Chase

hello @aulyasela3597,
ayushinav here for a review.
First of all, your work has a grammatical issue. Something you need to sort out as it dilutes the quality of your work. You will not be able to transfer the vibrations that you wanted your work should have done.
Secondly, the use of dialogues is something you are good at. The whole story was well connected through polite dialogues.
Your idea to prove the existence of God is a decent one but I feel it would have got more interesting if more arguments were presented, especially in some sort of humor. Moreover, I would like if you carried on the talks with the argument against the existence of a Supreme that the barbers are not omnipresent wheras He is.
Keep up with your work and ignore any remarks you find insulting as I did not intend to do so.

Hey, Solan her for a quick review. on your work.

I loved the concept of the story and how you wanted to use a conversation to convey the overall message, but Like aelihe said the questions asked is a bit random. People can sometimes feel really strongly about it and it might damage a business.
I think you should find a better way to get the story started.

There were a lot of grammatical errors throughout the story but that can easily be fixed with a little bit of practice and research. You have great ideas, all you have to do is find a way to portray the story better.

I hope you keep writing
-Solan

I liked the idea of the man and the barber, but it seems strange that a random barber would ask such a question that is known to separate people. That being said, I think this story touches on many debates that believers and non-believers face when trying to acknowledge God's existence. This is a piece that needed to be created simply to show a decade long argument and how different people find God's truth in different things.

This is amazing and a great read, which I will tell to friends and family for sure. I love the concept and the way it is portrayed. You may need to work on your grammar, spelling and formality. It's a story about God, so I personally feel it should be more formal and the laughing is a little TOO exaggerated, but overall, it's really good and keep going!

Hello, Mourice here

What a nice first story you've ever brought here in YWS. You're already made your move and attempt. You did a great job!

Unfortunately, you may want to fix the work....

There are pretty much grammatical errors and bad spellings here. I found it rather confusing like a metaphor of the central of the story, questioning the existence of God. It is becoming a moral debate for sure. no one will ever fully have any answer to give, but that's what makes it fascinating to explore. We have to come to our own conclusions. Remember, keep writing and practising!

I'm definitely looking forward for your next work! Stay inspired

Warm regards,

Mourice

Hey aulyasela!

Elinor here dropping by to give you a review. What I liked about this story is how it tonally felt like either a fairytale or a fable. It's something that feels somewhat removed for our world but still has something to say about it, as the interaction between barber and customer feels like a metaphor for the central question of this piece: the existence of god. It's definitely a moral debate that no one will ever fully have any answer to, but that's what makes it fascinating to explore. We have to come to our own conclusions.

I was a little confused by what you were trying to say by the end, though. The barber has fair points, and he seems to be dismissed. Your story reminded me of [urlhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOpsJ8dh5L4&t=10s]this[/url] scene from Ordinary People, which deals with the same central question. In it, you have two characters, Conrad and Jeannine. Jeannine believes in God. Conrad does not. You get the sense that he wants to, but cannot because all of the hardship he's been through in his life. Jeannine is simply optimistic. It makes it simple, but compelling, and we understand why each character feels the way that they do, even if we don't agree with them. I would consider that when you're revising your piece.

The other thing was your grammar and spelling. It was a bit distracting, and took me out of the story on a few occasions. If you're looking to brush up on your skills, the Grammar and Research section of the Knowledge Base has a ton of great articles.

Hope this helps! Keep writing, and feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions.

Best,
Elinor

Whoa First story you've ever uploaded! Great attempt! I'm so looking forward to see your next story

Hi! Welcome to yws! I realized this is your first work. The main idea of the story may be a bit cliched, and to some extent, controversial, but it's a witty idea nonetheless.

Moving on. Spelling mistakes and grammar errors are very common occurrences, and they often bring down the reader's interests. It just, makes the story lack enthusiasm. I will point them out at the end.

Sentence structuring. Somewhere in between the story, I got a bt lost. It took me a while to figure out what was going on, after reading the next lines.

"However he suddenly stopped him while from behind the door..."

I'm not sure what this line is trying to express. Perhaps you meant he saw the unkempt man and stopped in his tracks? This is why characters may have been a plus point. Although this is a pretty short story. But with three male characters all going by 'he', the story does get confusing in places.

Ok. To be blunt with you, the ending didn't catch me. The most important part of shorts, because they should be simple and to the point, is the ending. The story itself is very predictable, if I'm honest with you. You might like to go through some of the works by other members, for some inspiration. The final 'quote' seems off. Maybe the grammar error may have contributed to that? I'm not sure what you're trying to imply by using past tense. And who exactly is this 'His' referencing now? Maybe you could fix that a bit?

I'm probably not the best person for this review. I'm not sure whether this short is trying to prove the arrogance of the barber, or further some kind of belief in god, either of which kind of turns me off in terms of reading. I don't know. Just personal preference. Don't heed any changes if you were focusing on a different audience.

There seems to be quite a few errors in this piece. I won't be highlighting them. I'm not really great at reviewing and I'm pretty sure this review would turn trash if it's just a list of spell checks.
Nevertheless, if this is aimed at the younger demographic, then, it's ok I guess. But the younger audience would prefer their stories to flow more easily, which could be helped with checks. This was a good effort for a first piece. I'll keep a look out for your future works, perhaps something for a higher demographic? See ya around!!

-Stor