Hey, atticAesthetic! Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!
Her pupils were small balls, like the sun in the middle of the sky, the heat grew and he had sweat more than he'd ever sweat in his life.
This seems like a weird comparison to make considering that pupils are black.
The attention in the room was now fully directed on him.
So there are others in the room. As much as I'm a fan of plopping readers right into the thick of it, I think you need to set the scene a little better. All we know is that they're in a kitchen. If there are other people, you need to say that before hand. You need to describe the kitchen, not just tell the readers that the main characters are in a kitchen.
She made angry sobs as she hung her head low. His heart was skipping like a rock on water.
This is just some strange wording and imagery. "She sobbed angrily, head hung low." would be much smoother. I have no idea what stone skipping is supposed to evoke. Maybe when one's heart is all aflutter in love, but certainly not in this tense scene.
The dinner party, the room filled with happy colours, women once dancing with their partners, the large house filled with smiles, was now silent. People from the staircase heard the woman's yells, telling everyone to shh, it was time for everything to go down. No one knew who this woman was, except for the host.
This setting of the scene really should have happened first.
I don't really know what was going on here. In fantasy-esque stories like this, background is very important, but when it's a short story, we don't get that essential background. Often, your readers are left wondering what the heck just happened because they don't have the same knowledge as you, the author.
Leaving the audience with questions can be a good thing to do, but you should never leave them wondering what the heck just happened.
Overall, this had potential, but the execution left something to be desired. I think that with some work, this could be very good.
Feel free to ask any questions you might have in a pm or reply to this review!
~Storm
Points: 2200
Reviews: 235
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