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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Cursed Companies String from the Family

by atticAesthetic


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

"What do you mean by that?" He replied, staring at her shaking balled up fists while she stepped closer. Her pupils were small balls, like the sun in the middle of the sky, the heat grew and he had sweat more than he'd ever sweat in his life. The kitchen, once cold, closed and dark, was now hot, more open, and oh, so bright. He was on a pedestal, and to make matters worse, every light in the room shone on him.

"I hope you remember every fucking person you took from my life!" She punched him in the chest, knocking him back. He fell back into the wall. He knew exactly what she was talking about. The attention in the room was now fully directed on him. She made angry sobs as she hung her head low. His heart was skipping like a rock on water.

The dinner party, the room filled with happy colours, women once dancing with their partners, the large house filled with smiles, was now silent. People from the staircase heard the woman's yells, telling everyone to shh, it was time for everything to go down. No one knew who this woman was, except for the host.

"I have no idea who you are. Get out of here," he growled at the young woman. "You are acting hysterical in front of my guests!"

"I may be acting hysterical, but I have every right to be! Do you understand how much painstaking effort I put into working for you, to make you happy? To put you all the way to the top? I'm not putting up with it anymore! I'm revealing everything you've done to me to this entire house!"

This was Lamnet Seacolinafae, the creator of Aspecia Labs. She climbed to the top to create a special place for mutants, she planned to fix disabilities, she wanted to figure out how to make more incredible machines for the ever changing 1950's.

"I've lost everything for you! I LOST RESPECT FOR YOU! All for it to be taken for granted so you can run your own show?"

"Make this quick."

"I will, I don't want to waste my time in your presence. Remember our deal? You said you would work with me to make the best of my business, I sold my soul to you, made a blood contract, all so I could save lives!" Everyone stared at him, and he knew that it was over.

This man's name was Lazarus, Lucas to everyone in the room. He was not human, and this woman was his first challenge to get past. His first customer, you could say. Soon after, this woman would be killed by her daughter, a worker for her company. But of course, his first kill must be his first mistake.

"Seems like the first one is a killer," he said, his flesh bubbling off into blood. There was a pool of red around his feet, and some of the bubbles splashed onto Lamnet's glasses. Her soft hands were covered in the thick, red goop as he bubbled back into a giant raven, his eleven eyes glowing, all of them staring at her.

Her blonde hair was up in a bloody bun - it would look like a rose, had she not stepped away from him. The guests on the top floor were frozen in place, while the bottom ran out, terrified by what the people on the stairs had to say about his appearance.

He grabbed her by the neck and threw her out of the house through a window, launching her into a tree stump. Guests that hadn't left already were making a run for it, just as he flew out of the building through the broken window.

This was the first tragedy for the Seacolinafae family line. 


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235 Reviews


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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:35 am
inktopus wrote a review...



Hey, atticAesthetic! Storm here for a review this fine Review Day, so let's jump right into it!

Her pupils were small balls, like the sun in the middle of the sky, the heat grew and he had sweat more than he'd ever sweat in his life.

This seems like a weird comparison to make considering that pupils are black.

The attention in the room was now fully directed on him.

So there are others in the room. As much as I'm a fan of plopping readers right into the thick of it, I think you need to set the scene a little better. All we know is that they're in a kitchen. If there are other people, you need to say that before hand. You need to describe the kitchen, not just tell the readers that the main characters are in a kitchen.

She made angry sobs as she hung her head low. His heart was skipping like a rock on water.

This is just some strange wording and imagery. "She sobbed angrily, head hung low." would be much smoother. I have no idea what stone skipping is supposed to evoke. Maybe when one's heart is all aflutter in love, but certainly not in this tense scene.

The dinner party, the room filled with happy colours, women once dancing with their partners, the large house filled with smiles, was now silent. People from the staircase heard the woman's yells, telling everyone to shh, it was time for everything to go down. No one knew who this woman was, except for the host.

This setting of the scene really should have happened first.

I don't really know what was going on here. In fantasy-esque stories like this, background is very important, but when it's a short story, we don't get that essential background. Often, your readers are left wondering what the heck just happened because they don't have the same knowledge as you, the author.

Leaving the audience with questions can be a good thing to do, but you should never leave them wondering what the heck just happened.

Overall, this had potential, but the execution left something to be desired. I think that with some work, this could be very good.

Feel free to ask any questions you might have in a pm or reply to this review!

~Storm




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Wed Jul 26, 2017 5:15 pm
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Steggy wrote a review...



Hello, Dino here for a short review!

First off, in the beginning of this chapter, you seem to not give the reader a reason as to why the woman is there in the first place until later. As a suggestion, I think it could possibly help to place some background story behind the woman and her main motive before this scene happens. Going back to what I said, we don't know who she is until you mention it later; that can be confusing to the reader later when figuring out who she is.

Her pupils were small balls, like the sun in the middle of the sky, the heat grew and he had sweat more than he'd ever sweat in his life.


When reading it, along with the commas, it almost seems like you are comparing her pupils to the sun. It almost seems like an incomplete sentence from rereading it again. Another thing I noticed in this quote also is how wordy/redundant this phase is: he had sweat more than he'd ever sweat in his life. You could just say he was really sweaty from the radiation of the woman but this phase is almost like an exaggeration and doesn't seem to fit in with what you are trying to say, if that makes sense.

People from the staircase heard the woman's yells, telling everyone to shh, it was time for everything to go down. No one knew who this woman was, except for the host.


This small portion feels a bit awkward. It could be because some words are missing or perhaps the punctuation in slightly off. Try re-reading your work before publishing it. You'll probably hear that a lot but it will help. Because not only will it help you find some mistakes, but it can also give you time to rewrite some parts that need to be rewritten. Anyway, going back to this quote. It seems to go downhill, straight after the first comma. What I think you were trying to do was list what was happening with the people in the stairwell while the woman and the man were fighting but it ended up, to me, getting all jumbled up.
First things first: try to imagine the scene in your head and think of what will happen first. For example, you could say the people were waiting for the fight to go down and some were telling other's to be quiet because they wanted to hear what the woman could say.

What was the purpose of Aspecia Labs? You mention it was to help the disabilities and create a special place for mutants but why is she making such a big deal about that? I'm assuming that Lucas ripped her off with some deal; I think you should go more into detail about their relationship and what the past has to do with the future. Speaking of Lucas, that was a sudden plot twist, if I do say so. It happened suddenly and didn't have any "real" lead up. Mainly because you say he turns into a blood being and kills Lamnet until he turns into an eleven eyes are staring at her. How long has he been able to change? Why did Lamnet kill his daughter? Questions like that are hopefully answered in later chapters.

The ending falls flat of just an ending. I thought when Lucas threw Lemnet out the window, there would be details or perhaps even a chase. But I think Lemnet deserved it anyway.

I like how this is going and I'm looking forward to the next chapter.

If you have any questions, let me know!

Dino






Thank you for the review!! This really helped, I'll watch out for run ons next time (I really need to stop writing stories at 3 in the morning :/ ).
I think next time I'll explain more about Lucas (Lazarus), thank you for letting me know his whole deal was confusing, as well as the beginning. I'll make sure everything ties together, and also that everything is more clear because I don't think you understood that Lazarus was a raven and his flesh disguise bubbled off his raven exterior (not a problem, I'll just make sure everything about him is clear next time).
Again, thank you so much for the review, because honestly, I really need critique. :)



Steggy says...


You're welcome! ^^




If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
— Oscar Wilde