Reading at the semi-crowded tavern bar, Jay Kictew was doing his best to ignore the bartender’s questions. Finally getting through a page, he flipped it. But before he could even read a word on this new page, a mug of ale plopped itself on the page with a skeleton hand grasping the handle. The bones seemed to be kept together magically and they curled around the handle like a normal hand would.
Looking up at an old face, Jay said, “Take that off my book before it finds itself soaking your clothes.”
“Not ‘til you answer some questions, boy. You’ve been ignorin’ me. My tavern. My rules.”
Pushing the mug off of the book, Jay sighed as he dog-eared the page corner and closed it. Returning it to his handbag, he looked back at the bartender and spoke, “I’ll answer your questions if you answer some of mine.”
“Trade off?”
Jay shrugged. “Why not? You start.”
The bartender cleared his throat. “Why are you readin’ in a bar?”
“Because the library is too quiet. Why are you bugging me and not them?” Jay pointed at the other people in the tavern.
“They’re regulars,” the bartender responded. “I know them well. You, not so much. What are you readin’ about?”
Jay hesitated. “About some history in this land. Who are you?”
“I’m Pictru Keptir. Are you finding the history interesting?”
Jay nodded as the bartender walked to the other side of the bar to help a customer. When he came back, Jay responded, “Yes. It’s very interesting. What happened to your hand?”
Pictru Keptir looked down at his hand. “It’s a debt I owe to someone who saved my life. He’s dead now, or at least believed to be. Where are you heading?”
“Nowhere currently. This town happened to be in my way. Who did your hand?”
“A wizard.” The man looked around the tavern before leaning in. “Said his name was Wubat Litler. Not well respected around here, you see. Caused the death of many people with his spell experimentation. He was the only chance I had at surviving. I still owe the man, but he left days after. Should be dead, age and all. But he’s a wizard, might have lived.” He straightened himself, but before he could ask Jay a question, the tavern door opened.
Jay watched as Keptir turned towards the door, stopping to stare open-mouthed at it. The sound of the costumers behind his quickly stopped. Jay turned to look at the door.
Standing in the doorway was a middle-aged man with brown hair streaked with gray flowing down just past his shoulders. He wore commoner clothing, but his posture said he was more powerful than that.
Speaking in a deep voice he said, “After all these years, no one welcomes me? I see familiar faces. Won’t you greet an old friend?”
Keptir seemed to find his words. “Of course! Welcome back, Litler. What would you like?”
Walking in and letting the door slam shut behind him, he replied, “Anything. You surprise me.” He waved a hand at the costumers. “Go back to your business. I’m just another journeyman.”
Jay continued to stare at the man as Keptir went into the back storage to retrieve a drink and as the chatter resumed, but quieter. The man took a seat next to Jay. “Who might you be?”
“Jay,” he responded. “Jay Kictew. You?”
“Wubat
Litler. You are new here.”
“Yes. Just passing
through.”
Keptir came back with a mug filled with a black liquid. Setting it down in front of Litler, he announced, “Night’s Darkness.”
Litler nodded his thanks to the bartender. “How’s your hand holding up?”
“Just fine. It works better than the flesh one I had many years ago.”
“Good to hear,” replied Litler as Keptir walked away to go help other customers. Litler turned to Jay. “You seem like a wanderer. Do you want an adventure?”
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140,870 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
Hey there atnalta! Tuck here with a review for you (actually, my final review to get my second blue star. Feel honored
)
First off, this is a really intriguing atmosphere that easily lends itself as a setting for the beginning of an adventure. It has a very cozy, classic feel to it, and I found myself ready to settle in for the beginning of some sort of crazy adventure with strange but lovable characters. You also did a good job of establishing the character's personalities through small things, like the quirk of reading a book in a tavern as compared to a character who speaks with an informal air. Those two aspects were my favorite part of this story.
I think one way you could improve this story is by adding some more description. It's a hallmark of adventure and fantasy to have rich, eloquent description that transports the reader. Beyond that, it would help give the reader a better idea of the current atmosphere and the characters. It'd help captivate the reader more and elevate the writing just slightly to take it to the next level, from a story concept to a perfectly-executed adventure novel.
Secondly, I would also love to see you go a little more in-depth on the characters. Certainly do this by showing instead of telling, but right now you have quite a few characters that have introduced and we know very little about them. Especially for the beginning of a novel, you have to create characters that the reader can connect with to grab their interest and inspire them to continue reading. Right now, I feel like the reader doesn't quite have enough information to fall in love with the readers, which could mean you lose the interest of some new readers almost immediately.
Overall, this was a solid start and had the bones of an excellent first chapter. I'd love to see you take it a little bit further by expanding on the setting and character before you launch into the plot. It'll provide a foundation for what is shaping up to be a fascinating adventure story. If you have any questions about my review or the site please feel free to let me know!
Best,
Tuck
Hello!I am @potter4life and i am here to review your work!
First of all,I would like to tel you that this was a good piece of work that you have written so GOOD JOB!!
Next,I would like to point out some stuff you can improve on.
The grammer was alright,a bit of grammer errors here and there but too little to notice.
Next,you could improve it by using show not tell.Like explaining and showing instead of just telling people what happened.
THANKS!!!
@potter4life
Hello, nice piece you've got here, i like wizards n magic n stuff, damn thngz fill ma mind with imagination.
You could work on interactions between characters though. Here you first describe the speaking, eg: in a strong voice he said"...", he said"..." ths kind of breaks the rythm of reading(to my side), it makes it feel like a play or character script.
I think ending with the voice description could do, "what y'all lookin' at" he bellowed, "one more step n your dead!" he burst out with utmost vigour...
That's all, i like the story line...a big adventure awaits.