E - Everyone

Intro & Chapt. 1 (in part)

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Oliver Spitziconni always had a cigarette in his mouth. He’d look at me with that patronizing expression on his face, puff smoke out of the side of his mouth and tell me that the world is our oyster. He’d say, in his thick Boston accent, “You can control anything and anybody you want, you just have to do it clean and right.” That’s Oliver’s specialty, controlling things. He doesn’t need luck, or prayers, or wishes. He controls everything that happens to him, so it happens the way he wants it to. If you got in the way of what he wants, he’d take you out so quick nobody would even knew you were there. That’s his darkest side, the side that always needs to clear the way.

Oliver was known all over Boston by his wealthy and powerful family, his last name came with an infamous reputation. His older brother and his uncle were arrested a while ago for suspicious connections to a few murders in the area, but we never convicted because there wasn’t enough evidence. His family was famous for all the wrong reasons and he soaked up all the attention like a sponge. Having a reputation is more important to Oliver than anything else.

It wasn’t like he was that great of a guy, morally. He was an idiot a majority of the time. He drank and smoked so much he either had a hangover or was drunk every time I talk to him. He charmed girls with the flick of his credit card, had sex with them, and then forgot their names the day after. He was constantly moving, throwing people away, letting them go, or shoving them aside. He threw countless parties and everybody I’d ever known would show up. He had unlimited access to his parents’ money, meaning that I or any of our friends never went hungry, or never had to think twice before paying for something. His huge black Cadillac was his pride and joy, and I’m pretty sure he loved that car more than his mother. With all this, he was greedy, selfish, manipulative, cocky, materialistic, and a downright asshole.

But he’s the best friend I’d ever had.

One

It was the week from hell, and it started with a meeting with satan himself; Mr. Lucas. A man that required such little respect he’d permanently had the Mr. dropped from his name by almost all of his students. He’d summoned me into his deep and dark office during my only free period, making me skip lunch. I was a music concentration, and he was the head of the department, but we’d never gotten along since I was a freshmen. Four years later, I still hated going into his office and smelling the pungent odor of wine that stayed with me for the rest of the day.

His office was in the old, drafty part of the music wing, giving you a long hallway to think about the worst that was coming to you. I hesitated before opening the door, straightening my tie the best I could.

“Anthony I’ve been expecting you. Come here, sit down.” Lucas was freakishly tall and lanky, his beady eyes making you feel like you were looking at some sort of praying mantis. His grin stretched way too far across his face, flashing me a fake-white smile. I already had my hand on the back of my neck in nervousness. The guy was always rummaging through papers; always stacks of manilla folders that never got organized, no matter how many hours a day he seemed to sit in his office and rifle through them.

“I just wanted to speak with you about...about the…” He picked up several folders and put them down, looking lost. I rolled my eyes.

“About, sir?”

“About the orchestra.”

I sat there for a few minutes, trying to bite back the frustration. “What about it?”

He finally found whatever he was looking for, because he then put on his glasses and leaned forward to look at me. He started to say something else but his eyes narrowed on my tie.

“You should probably retire that, Tony, it’s important to look presentable.”

I rolled my eyes again and undid it in sharp, jerky movements. “Why did you call me in here, Lucas, this is my lunch.”

“Why gee sorry to inconvenience you, this is my lunch too. I called you down here to tell you that Blake Herrington has been demoted to second hair cellist.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Blake? He’s orchestra president too, though.”

“He’s not anymore, due to his...difficult personality traits that I’ve found to be too cumbersome to deal with.”

“Well now that’s just a damn shame.” I mumbled sarcastically. Lucas smirked.

“My thoughts exactly. I know you and I haven’t been the best chums in your high school career, but I’ve been noticing you.”

I nodded, slowly. “Great.”

“I’ve noticed that your talent is so exceptional. You’re second chair cellist in an elite, competitive, orchestra that’s really only meant for the prep school graduates and you’re only a senior. You’ve won a few awards, been spoken to by Juilliard, and for heavens sake you just hands down play better than anyone in your section. You’re a hard worker, and I like that.”

“Well...thank you, sir. I appreciate it.” Lucas stared at me for an extremely long few seconds and clasped his hands together.

“I’m making you first chair cellist and president of the orchestra, Tony.”

I fought to keep my composure for a good minute, and when I could finally speak I didn’t know what to say.

“I...well...wow.”

“Wow is right. You will be replacing Blake in all his responsibilities and-”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” I said. “I can’t take that from him.”

His face fell. “What do you mean, you can’t.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do you know what Blake Herrington is going to do to me once he realized that I’m his replacement? Do you think we’re going to lock arms and skip down the hall about it? He’s going to murder me.”

“Anthony, this is not elementary school. If Blake wants to settle a mistake that he made due to his own faults like a child then I will remove him from the orchestra completely. I’m on your side. If anyone gives you any crap, you know where to find me.”

I sighed. “I mean...this is a lot of time I just don’t think I have-”

“I really expected you to be more happy, Anthony,” he said, rummaging again. “Most people would be jumping up and down, but all you say is that you’re worried about Blake and that you don’t have enough time?”

“Sir, I’m really honored that you picked me, but I-”

“Don’t want to get into Yale? Or play at Carnegie hall? Or make your parents proud?”

“I’m not saying that I don’t want it.” I said sharply, heat rising in my face.

“Then what are you saying?” He said, staring me down. “If its anything but yes then I’ll see you in class later today with the rest of the mediocre musicians who will become soccor moms and office workers.” Rummaging.

I took a deep breath. “I’ll take it.” He raised his eyebrows at me. “Thank you.” I finished.

“You and me, Tony, we’re going to become great friends.” He put his hand out over the desk, a sickly smile coming to his face. When I shook it, it was an ice cold that traveled up my arm. 

Comments & reviews · 2
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Hi! Cricket here for a review!

Well, this is actually probably one of my favorites for a introduction and first chapter. Very rarely will you see a story begin, with so much character development and a solid grounding as well into the plot. Right now, I can say that I don't really like this guy Lucas. He seems like the kinda fellow that is just trying to achieve his own goals. I know that may seem a little backwards because it seems like he's trying to help this kid out and stuff, but it really just seems like he has his own idea for this guy. And this Lucas fellow also seems like quite the roughish sorta character as well. From the way this has started out, it almost seems like you're trying to portray him as the sort of person who just use and abuse people, with the intent of getting what they want and then moving on.

Which could also explain even more, why this guy doesn't want the job! To be honest, if I had knowledge of what this guy did to people, I would be leery of accepting any work from him or just about anything, if he had a reputation like that.

“Anthony I’ve been expecting you


Comma after "Anthony."

“I just wanted to speak with you about...about the…”


Even when there's a case of stuttering, you always have a space after an ellipsis.

“If its anything


Just a contraction mess up here, I think. Might even be a typo. "Its" should be "It's". :)


“I’m not saying that I don’t want it.” I said sharply, heat rising in my face.

“Then what are you saying?” He said, staring me down.


There aren't really anything big to nitpick in this piece, but I did find one thing that I found to be a fairly big problem. Here, you have a problem with your dialogue punctuation. When going into your dialogue tag, you don't have a period, but a comma. Also, your capitalization needs to be fixed. Instead of rambling on though, I got this fascinating link right here] that should help you out with this problem. It was written by Demeter and was extremely helpful to me. So hope it's helpful!

Okay, I think that's it for nitpicks. From what I can see this has some great potential to becoming an amazing story, with some awesome characters. I think if you continue with this, and it stays the way that I'm reading it right now, then it will be mainly the characters that make this story. Although, I think the plot will definitely grow and grow as you go, but we'll see! I hope you post more of this, as I'm super curious to see what's going to happen next! Let me know when you post more, so I keep reading.

Keep writing!

~Cricket

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eldEr
Review
eldEr wrote a review · Wed Nov 05, 2014 1:00 am

Hey there! Isha here to review :)

Wow. I read the synopsis of the story, and honestly didn't anticipate being as interested as I am. Your characters, so far, seem strong, like they have a lot of room for development later on (which is excellent, because I have a moderate obsession with characterisation). Your writing quality was pretty on-point (with a few things I'd like to point out as far as dialogue goes, but we'll get to that in a second), and I really enjoyed your imagery. 

Which brings us to the aforementioned dialogue commentary. Your intro was written quite impeccably, although I'm not sure I'd use it as an intro, but part of the first chapter (to indicate that the scene is shifting, all you need is a page marker or something; I add extra spaces between scene changes, personally), and set the bar pretty high for chapter one, which was, unfortunately, a little disappointing. The narration was decent, but seemed a little less natural, and grew increasingly less so as the work moved towards the dialogue. The dialogue itself was odd to read, because you switched from "pretty decent; the writer knows what they're doing" to something that seemed completely amateur. It got better again as the story went on, but that middle part, especially, needs a little work. 

I found that the issue seemed to lie with punctuation more than word choice. You articulate yourself so well I'm narration, and all of a sudden we've got run-on sentences and no commas where we need them. There aren't any pauses. Listen to people speak; listen for where the punctuation marks and the breaks in their wording would go, and you're set. 

The plot line is intriguing, especially with what's in the intro and the sudden shift it takes, and I'd definitely be interested in reviewing the second chapter if you ever post it :) (if you do, shoot me a PM with a link or post it on my wall!)

Good job and keep writing,
~Ish



The strongest people are not those who show their true strength in front of us but those who win battles we know nothing about.
— Unknown