The bright light shines upon her face,
Highlighting each high and low with grace.
Eyes so warm, so beautiful-brown,
Why must they hide beneath a frown?
The tilt of her lips, not a smile but a smirk,
So much mischief, underneath it, could lurk
The cheeks of a child, chubby and coy,
The slant of her eyes, crinkled with joy.
Silky waves frame her face,
Black as onyx, soft as lace.
Could this be me, myself or I?
Never seen before, this beauty, why?
Serious contempt turns into delight,
When you look into a mirror, but abandon own sight.
The eye that criticizes you most, is your own,
Abandon your sight, delight in anothers loan..
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139,786 Literary Works • 672,767 Reviews
Hey there,
So I guess that it description of the poem wad right it did surprised me.
Well I guess that's why I'm reviewing. The surprise of this poem made it all the more interesting like one minute I think that it is another poem about one sided love and the next I realize that it is about someone's self realisation or whatever you call it. In any case I love your poem.
I like the way the girl describes herself it was really clear and I could really picture it.
"Eyes so warm, so beautiful-brown,
Why must they hide beneath a frown? "
These according to me are the best lines from this poem.
Never quit writing,
Fangirl~
Thank you for the wonderful review. I'm glad you liked my poem.
~atiqa
Your poem really described how many people (and girls) don't see the beauty that's within themselves and look at their special and beautiful quirks as ugliness.
Your word choice definitely adds more elements to the poem, with descriptions like "black as onyx, soft as lace" describing the girl in such a gentle way. And the very last line is really nice, and stuck to me for a while, and I like how "abandon your sight" was almost repeated from the third to last line.
One of my only problems with this poem is that I'm a little confused on who the speaker is, and who they are speaking to. For the first few lines, the poem is in third person, and then the line, "Could this be me, myself or I?" come up, and then "The eye that criticizes you most, is your own". I'm assuming that the speaker is not the girl, but is someone giving advice to the girl, or maybe to the reader?
The flow between lines is very excellent. The only issue I find is within the two lines, "The tilt of her lips, not a smile but a smirk / She must learn to embrace her quirk". While reading these two lines, I kinda got stuck in the beginning of the second line because the pattern in accented syllables sort of faded away.
Overall, this is a very sweet poem and I really liked it. Keep writing!
Thanks. The poem does switch a lot. First it shows an observer. Then, we find our that we ARE the observer and the last part is giving advice to others regarding what I just learnt about myself. About the "Tilt of her lips" verse. I changed it on a suggestion. The original verse was :
The tilt of her lips, not a smile, but a smirk.
So much mischief, underneath it, could lurk.
The line was said to be yoda-ish. What do you think?
Yeah, although the first version of the lines do flow more than the second, they do seem a little yoda-ish.
Best of luck!
In a dilemma... anyways. Thanks%u263A
You know what... I'm going with the original.
Hello there! I am here with the intent of helping my fellow writer. You speak some good solid truth into this poem. We are our harshest critics. Much of the time we spend far too much time focusing on what we don't like about ourselves...especially when it comes to our physical attractiveness.
There are some things that work in this poem and some things that could be improved upon. Let's start with the things that work.
You start this poem off in third person and then change to first. This is appropriate as the narrator is looking at herself from a third person perspective and then coming to the realization that this lovely person is 'me.' It also causes the reader to think you're talking about someone with an aesthetic you admire, that is, someone other than yourself. In fact, you are talking about yourself. A surprise indeed.
You have some great lines in here. To name a couple favourites:
Great descriptors as well.
Alright, now for my suggestions. You have a few lines that are good, but could be great (like the ones I mentioned above). For example:
The wording of the second line is awkward. You worded it for the sake of making a rhyme. It, subsequently, reads as being forced. You want your rhymes to sound natural and flowing. Try something like this:
The tilt of her lips are not smiles but smirks,
She must learn to embrace all of her quirks.
Lines with similar syllables have the best flow. Wording lines in the Yoda fashion (instead of saying 'so much mischief could lurk beneath it' you say 'so much mischief underneath it, could lurk) tends not to be effective. Here are a few other lines I think could be worded better:
Reworded:
The bright light shines upon her face,
highlighting each high and low with grace.
Reworded:
Eyes so warm; so beautiful-brown,
Why do they hide beneath a frown?
I would choose a different rhyming couplet here. Crinkled and dimpled aren't a strong rhyme. Try:
The cheeks of a child, chubby and coy,
The slant of her eyes, crinkled with joy.
Here, all you have to do to increase the flow of these lines, is remove a few words.
Reworded:
Serious contempt, turns into delight,
When you look to the mirror and abandon your sight.
I think you could probably remove the last two lines and have your poem end here.
I hope this review helped you. Some minor changes can make a huge difference to a poem. Great write. Keep improving. A good work is never done.
--MS
I've made the changes as you suggested. Let's see what reviews I'll get. Thanks for the help. %u263A
what's with the %u263A? I like your improvements.
That would be an unsuccessful attempt at an emoji.
That was rather interesting! It felt as though I was taking a journey through the mirror room in the carnival! It was very lyrical, though a few lines felt as though you were just looking for a rhyme- it didn't take away much from the poem, however. In the last three lines you use "Own" quite often, which blurs the rhyme a little, but overall it was clever and sweet. Well done!
Thanks for the review. I removed one "own."