They have square cut pamphlets for every dollar per square, per month, per year; for every house by the sea, the river, the park
where grandpas fall gracefully and on their backs
what they do not tell you: that sometimes people trip and die in bathrooms, that you are never the first person to live in this room, fooled by the illusions of privacy. That you'll cry between these walls, and the cherry blossom patterned wallpapers that you loved will one day muffle those cries—
and that fights and quarrels with your husband in his white wife beaters will result in small talks, and the neighbors that you're baking brownies for will examine your body with a coroner's interest
and the lungs of the rooms:
they breathe you in like echoes
in a collective with previous strangers and their skins:
they rarely do exhale.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Athought,
This is a beautiful piece. I've actually worked in the housing management industry (though apartments, not quite real estate) so I have a special fondness/can relate to this poem. During my stints, I've had several experiences with the older, retired residents "passing on", it's truly sad when you no longer see someone you're used to seeing everyday, you've captured that melancholy I think, and your tone and voice in this goes really well with the content/idea.
My suggestions? Let that title be your spring board, as it's a "spring board" type of title. Start the poem here: sometimes people trip and die in bathrooms -- it's much more interesting and you don't need anything to lead up to it, you've got the hook there, line and sinker.
The pamphlets line just sort of confused me a bit, I'm not quite sure what that line is to mean... my best "guess" is that it's to put into perspective the sheer amount of advertising for housing, but if that was the intention, it takes us out of the central experience of the piece. If I'm way off, then there seems to lack some clarity, or you might need more exposition there.
The grandpas gracefully falling line has a nice alliterative affect, the g's and the l's work well with the image here. What I would suggest is to move it towards the middle end, right before you mention the lungs in the rooms, and right after you mention the coroner-like examination of a body -- just a suggestion, it might serve you better transitionally.
You don't need that bit there, and I actually think it flows better without it. This is a moment that you're capturing about possible domestic abuse, about the history of a home, about death and about hardship -- try to play up these moments and really develop that experience just a bit more. Right now, you tell us these images with such grace and brevity- but it's not real yet, you have to bring us there, and to really bring us there, it's more than just the 2nd person perspective, it's in the details. I appreciate the lines about the cherry patterned wallpaper muffling the cries. I want to know what cries...? Like I said, this could be about domestic abuse, it could be about mourning for a loved one -- it's not yet a clear story here, and in prose poetry, that's essential.
Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or if you want to chat this one over, this was a great pleasure to have read. Please write more poems on here, if one thing's clear to me, it's that you have the talent for it.
~ as always, Audy
Normally I can't stand prose poetry, but for once this actually didn't bug me--maybe because you modified it so that there are still stanzas, rather than writing it in one, big, chunky paragraph like all the other prose poetry I've ever seen around the site. So that was definitely a good choice, in my opinion.
I love the imagery, and the last couple of stanzas had a great tone, just a little on the spooky side because the reader kind of figures out what's going on.
I only have two small improvements to suggest, and they're complete nitpicks.
"Fights and quarrels" in the fourth stanza--I'd just pick one, since they're synonymous. Personally, I like "quarrels," because that is how a person with beaten-wife syndrome would look on any fights with the abuser, even if the abuser severely injures them. It was just a quarrel, no big deal, it was my fault anyway for not doing the dishes (or what have you). This would go great in keeping with the fact that there is no actual abuse mentioned, but it's hinted at: the husband wears a wife-beater, the neighbors "examine your body with a coroner's interest." All hints of abuse are shown by the other people in the poem, rather than the beaten-wife "you," who would not admit the fact of abuse.
I would also get rid of "do" in the last line. I think it's unnecessary and feels a little unnatural in the pattern of normal speech. "They rarely exhale" sounds more natural to me, but it's up to you.
In other news: You are fifteen. Holy crap. If I could write poetry like this back when I was fifteen...wow. This was spectacular.
In further other news: Welcome to the site, and feel free to message me if you've got any questions!
Blue
@ lostthought
sorry there was a typo in my comments. I meant *paragraph
Ok, this could use some work in my opinion. Let's see....
1) In poetry, usually it is a couple of words per line. I am yet to see poetry will entire page lines. Perhaps you can make each sentence a couple of line each?
They have square cut pamphlets
For ever dollar per square
Per month, per year
For every house by
The sea, the river, the park
Like that^
2) I do have to compliment your use of proper punctuation. Even if you poetry lines are long, at least you have proper grammar.
3) I really like this poem. You are right! Those evil real estate agents. How dare they!
Keep writing and welcome to YWS!
~lost
haha no this is a modified prose poem (which means that it's supposed to come in large chunks of photographs)- i made it this way because my language wasn't really succinct and was more colloquial with this one- but thank you!