This city has failed to deliver brotherhood tonight,
for the first time once again.
In front of caramel-scented cinemas
popcorn attached indigo flannels
wavering neon gas, erring electrons
I am awash with:
dash-lined due dates
nebulous instructions to success
the cottony touch of a pink dress to scraped knees
and father-demanded showers.
and successive limousines rides-
by drivers torn and worn
But I can never grow any more than a semicolon can finish a sentence;
and you can never forget
the trembling tables, tablets of medicine, unspoken taboos
issued by the woman with the wrinkles: mom, mum, momma, mummy-
for she taught you the alphabets, ironed them on your plaid shirts,
in continuity tranquilizes you-
for a reality has been bought and this was its verse:
they don't mean to, but they do.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Wow, this is very interesting, very in depth. I'm not even sure if I understand it, but you use a lot of great symbolism, as well as imagery that brings some powerful ideas to mind.
I really like this line,
"for the first time once again."
Since it's contradicting itself, which is always fun in writing. Your style is definetely interesting, and different. You break up the poem in a cool way that flows with the subject matter itself, which is to say, it almost doesn't flow, which gives it that jagged feel until the end that I like so much.
Good work!
Thank you athoughttookmyfancy!
thank you! I'm glad you liked it!
I love this poem - it's written uniquely. You have a very interesting style, and the imagery here is beautiful and relatable.
I agree a lot with the previous reviewer: "popcorn attached indigo flannels"
I had a bit of trouble understanding the meaning behind this.
Overall, though, this is just lovely. The first sentence took me in immediately, and the last line is powerful. Everything in between is awash with color.
I'm just wondering...in what way is this satire?
Sorry I couldn't offer much criticism. I hope you post more!
Hi fictional! Thanks for your compliments!
It's a satire because this is a piece addressing my father's mommy issues and overall a commentary on how parents have the dictatorial power to affect our lives. Another reason that i tagged this as satire, and why i named this poem "allusive issues addressed" is because the last line "they don't mean to, but they do" is actually a direct quote from philip larkin's poem "This be the Verse"- which is also a commentary on parental influence. (http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/178055) thanks for you input!
You're welcome! Off to read that poem now
Wow. This is a very strong piece, and such a great one to start your time here on YWS. While on the subject, welcome! I hope you love it here as much as I do, fellow 15-yr-old! Now onto pros and cons:
A lot of your imagery is really great and powerful. A lot of times I was finding myself nodding as I read, totally understanding where you were coming from. My favorite lines were especially "the cottony touch of a pink dress to scraped knees", "the trembling tables, tablets of medicine, unspoken taboos/issued by the woman with the wrinkles: mom, mum, momma, mummy-"and "they don't mean to, but they do." Each of those really spoke to me on a simple and relateable level.
If I were to have any complaints about this poem, I would say that there are points when your phrasing isn't very clear and I can't understand what you're trying to say, or the phrasing is just awkward. The lines that I had the most trouble with were:
"popcorn attached indigo flannels"
and
"and father-demanded showers."
Also, there are one or two spelling and grammar things--did you mean to say "limousines" or just "limousine"?
Otherwise, I think you have a TON of potential in poetry, and I'm very excited to read more of your work. Keep it up, and thanks for writing!
-Kekai
Hi kekai! Thanks for catching that! this poem was originally written on paper, so that extra S was a typo I didn't catch
The nebulous imagery is hard to understand because some of it are taken directly out of my unfiltered memory/experience so I totally get you finding it awkward or just weird. I don't understand them that well either. Because I don't like to write things I know and comprehend, for I think the purpose of writing is to comprehend the incomprehensible. But thanks again! 