A World Without Suffrage

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and mature content.

Prologue:

Its new year's eve today. Soon to be 2083. Years ago people dreamed of a future world filled with greatness. Nowadays, only men can vote. Women must either be a house wife or get a job as a stripper or prostitute. After graduating high school women have to find a man to marry since they can't go to college. Once women had suffrage, but that's in the past.

I sigh as I hear a pounding fist on my door. I know what I've done is illegal. I grab the leather grip of the pistol and bring it up to my temple. The door breaks down as my finger hooks onto the trigger...

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Points: 254288
Reviews: 4103

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Fri Jun 11, 2021 11:38 am

KateHardy wrote a review...

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

Anyway let's get right to it,

Its new year's eve today. Soon to be 2083. Years ago people dreamed of a future world filled with greatness. Nowadays, only men can vote. Women must either be a house wife or get a job as a stripper or prostitute. After graduating high school women have to find a man to marry since they can't go to college. Once women had suffrage, but that's in the past.

I sigh as I hear a pounding fist on my door. I know what I've done is illegal. I grab the leather grip of the pistol and bring it up to my temple. The door breaks down as my finger hooks onto the trigger...

Well, here we go, yet another story of a terrible, terrible future that I've run into. Well I don't think I've run into this idea specifically but things that are very closely related to this, I have seen several time because well, the future is supposed to be terrible apparently...xD.

But hmm, at any rate this is still a pretty decently well done future here, you've certainly painted a very bleak picture right off the bat that can certainly catch a reader's attention right away, and well if you manage to differentiate this story from the others out there, it'll be just as awesome as al the other premises.

And well, now the ending here is quite cool, well, pretty sad by the looks of it, its implying that something quite horrible happens there, but as far as attention grabbing goes, you don't really get too much better than that. And the way you have chosen those words there, it really conveys a sense of time running out and an act of desperation almost. Now having said that, I feel like the first paragraph and the second paragraph are a bit disjointed there, they don't really seem to be connected to each other at all. Its a little bit weird there, individually great paragraphs, but together a bit confusing. At any rate that's all I gotta say here.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Points: 192
Reviews: 245

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Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:35 pm

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ChocolateCello wrote a review...

Hello, it's Cello here!

I'd like to leave you with a quick review so here I go...

I'd like to start with your title. Suffrage is a term that simply means the right to vote on political issues. It in no way applies strictly to women. (Yes, I know, the women suffrage movement but that doesn't redefine the term) If you want to keep your title as it is you might have to say 'A world without women's suffrage' or of course you could simply change the title all together. It's your call.

Years ago people dreamed of a future world filled with greatness. Nowadays, only men can vote. Women must either be a house wife or get a job as a stripper or prostitute.

With all honesty, I'm going to be knit picking. I feel like 'world' in the first sentence is unneeded. It gives the sense of the story taking place on a different planet in my opinion. It's the same world as in the past, just a different society and time. You could simply say 'a future filled with greatness' and you'd be fine. Secondly, I feel like the last three words here are a bit uncomfortable. 'Stripper' and 'prostitute', though different jobs, fall in a similar category. Try to find this category and use it in place of these words. "or get a job in-" I would say 'sex trade' but I don't even know if that's a thing and it really doesn't apply to strippers. (Well, you could bend it so that it counted but I just don't know...)

After graduating high school,( women couldn't go to college) we had to find a man.

You screw up the tenses here. For the past few lines you've been in present tense. Now you have 'had' which is past tense. A simple change to 'have' will fix the problem. Also, throw a space between the comma and parenthesis and get rid of the space between the parenthesis and 'women'. Wait, I see another tense problem. 'Couldn't' needs to be 'can't'.

I sigh as i hear the pounding fist on my door. What I've done is thought to be illegal. I grab the leather grip of the pistol and bring it up to my temple. The door breaks down as my finger hooks onto the trigger............

First let me say that this needs to be a new paragraph. It shifts quite a bit from the previous text. Additionally, I think this transition is a little forced. You go from facts to personal experience pretty quickly. Maybe add a statement of the speakers view on the matter at the end of the previous paragraph.
(Hey, you left an 'i' uncapitalized)
Okay, here you say what the character did was 'thought to be illegal'. Something's either legal or it's not. There's no 'thought' here. It's illegal. Simple. Take out the 'thought'.
Okay, on to the last sentence. Maybe the character dies, maybe she doesn't. I'm honestly not sure. If you're going for death then say the finger 'pulls' the trigger. If you're going for life leave it as 'hooks'. I feel like this last sentence is more of a sudden stop than a trail off. Ellipsis' (is that the plural) often apply trailing off or, in more formal writing, missing information in a quote. This isn't a trailing off sort of moment and it's not a quote so I don't think this is right. Maybe end with a '-' instead. It's more sudden. If that's not for you, at least make the ellipsis only three periods. It's never supposed to be more.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello

Points: 149
Reviews: 67

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Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:46 pm

PancakeandWaffle wrote a review...

Hello, first can I just say wow. This is a pretty interesting concept induced so well with so little words. The thought of roller coasting back down to before women's suffrage is a scary but sadly, possibly real thing with all the sexual propaganda going around in the media. Being seen as only a child bearer and an object is pretty terrifying.

Moving on to the critiques, I would say for one that in a story you should try to stay away from parentheses as whatever needs to be said should be said straight up and not cupped in a little bubble as it feels out of place. You could honestly cut out the stuff in the parentheses as a whole as you already told us they graduate high school then have to find a hubby, so it being there isn't really necessary.

When you talk about a woman having to become stripper/prostitute maybe you could say "sexual entertainer" or "a man's play thing", something of the sort as long as it shows the objectification but also leaves it open to the reader as what these said jobs could be but it's still obvious about what their general occupation is.

So yeah, it's just my opinion so take what you will from this. Hope you have a wonderful day!

Points: 149
Reviews: 67

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Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:44 pm

PancakeandWaffle says...

Oh this is Pancake from PancakeandWaffle. I'm telling you this because I share an account with my friend on here, Waffle. Okay I'm done

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A World Without Suffrage

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