She would have been pretty, were it not for the smile. Her face was pale
alabaster, her lips shone red. Her hair was a pure black that looked
soft as silk.And yet the smile. It had no one part of it that was defective. The
corners of her lips were drawn up, an alluring portion of her teeth were
revealed. But there was something about the entire thing that screamed
out a very simple message.Apple’s smile seemed to tell anyone who looked at it that she would like nothing
better than to kill them where they stood.The residents of Cartwell City all knew to stay away from the woman
whose only name was Apple. They talked about her, of course, in whispers
and behind closed doors, but it was always the same.“Anyone who kisses her becomes a slave to the Devil himself.”
“If she meets you alone, she’ll suck the soul straight out of your
body.”“She’s killed twenty men simply because she was bored.”
Aaron knew what was said about Apple. He knew that she was despised by
everyone in Cartwell City. And sometimes…he wondered.The smile put him off, certainly. He somehow knew that if he wanted to
continue breathing, he should stay far, far away from Apple.But he wondered what it would be like to put a different smile on
Apple’s face. The woman with the horrifying smile was most probably
lonely, since the residents of Cartwell City did their best not to
interact with her. If he could get to know her, then maybe…“Aaron!”
He turned and looked at the street. A car was slowly driving alongside
him. Sam Harter was in the driver’s seat.“Need a ride?” Sam asked once he was certain that he had Aaron’s
attention.Aaron checked his watch. It was nearing five o’clock. Nearly time for
the D&D session he and a group of friends regularly enjoyed.Something held him back, this time. A feeling that he had somewhere to
be that was not Sam Harter’s dining room, filled as it may be with
character sheets and dungeon maps and figurines.“I’m skipping this one,” he responded.
Sam nodded. “Next week, though?”
“Definitely.”
Sam pulled away. Aaron continued down the street. What are you doing?
he asked himself. You don’t have any plans, what could you possibly be
thinking of doing…He ran into something. He looked up at the pale skin, the dark hair, the
ruby lips curved into a mockery of a smile.“Hello,” she said. Her voice was soft, Aaron realized.
“Oh, hi,” he said. “Sorry, I wasn’t watching where I was going.”
“Apparently,” Apple said, the corners of her mouth twitching into a new,
equally unnatural, grin.She walked past him, her black dress swishing along the pavement.
Aaron stood there for a second, then turned.
“Hey, wait!” he called. Apple turned to face him. When he met her eyes,
he faltered. He took a deep breath.“Would you…do you have plans for dinner?”
“Are you asking me out, Aaron Walters?” she asked. Her voice carried,
although it remained soft.Aaron gulped. “Yes,” he said.
Apple looked him over, her dark eyes roaming across him. Somehow he felt
she was not looking at him, but through him.“Very well,” she said, her smile never fading, and she returned to his
side.* * *
He made plans to meet again and left the restaurant. It had been a fine
date, he and Apple had…He suddenly realized that he had no recollection of the entire date
besides a vague feeling of it having been enjoyable. He simply knew that
he and Apple had another date in a week.His smile never left his face, and though it had no one part of it that
was strange, the whole of it was rather unnatural.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi aszecsei,
For what they're worth, here are my thoughts on your story.
MICRO COMMENTS
>were it not for the smile.
I think your intent is to describe the smile as a separate thing? But when I first read it, I felt like "her smile" sounds more natural.
>It had no one part of it that was defective.
This struck me as slightly odd wording. Perhaps "No one part of it was defective" or "Not one part was defective, and yet..."
>the D&D session he and a group of friends regularly enjoyed.
For whatever reason, the word "enjoyed" made me chuckle. I don't know why, but I think another verb might be more in-tune with the vibe I got from the rest of the story.
>a new, equally unnatural, grin.
I don't think the comma after "unnatural" is necessary.
>her black dress swishing along the pavement.
I was curious what sort of dress a woman like Apple would wear. Is it low-cut? Strapless? Floor-length (as it's swishing against the pavement)?
>“Would you…do
I believe it's common to put a space between an ellipse and the following word (e.g. Would you... do)
>her dark eyes roaming across him
To me, it seems like "across his face" (if she's examining his face) or "up and down his figure" (if she is taking all of him in) is more illustrative.
MACRO COMMENTS
>But there was something about the entire thing that screamed
>out a very simple message.
I noticed you use passive voice throughout. I feel like active voice is more immediate and direct, e.g., "there was something about the entirety of it that screamed..." but that might not be what you want.
I like the characterization of Apple, and just the name itself.
To me, this seemed like the introduction to a longer piece.
Hope my review is useful!
Hey there!
The whole 'Apple' thing and the dark hair and creepy smile made me think of Snow White, even though the was nothing like it. Weird.
Anyway, your grammar was great. The story had a nice flow to it and was easy to read. You didn't clog it up with anything unnecessary. I did stumble a bit when reading this line -
'It had no one part of it that was defective.' - It was the 'no one' bit. I kept reading it as 'nobody' rather than 'not one part' After a couple of reads it made sense but it did disrupt my attention on the story a tad. You could maybe rephrase it to something like -
'Not one part of it was defective.' But I guess that might not fit with how the rest of the story is written.
I felt quite detatched from the story at some parts, which wasn't a bad thing. It was like I was looking down on the scene from above, imagining how the people of Cartwell City whispered about Apple. They seemed scared of her, and rightly so. I mean, a woman who's supposed to suck your soul out is someone I know I'd steer clear of.
'“She’s killed twenty men simply because she was bored.”- Here, I think 'She's' would be better as 'She' because it sounds more like a rumour that way and it's how I read the sentence before realising it was 'She's'. Also, surely if she'd actually killed twenty people, she'd be in prison. Or does she get away with it somehow? Maybe she sucks out the souls of all the cops. I don't know, I'm thinking to much now, but it would make sense if it was more obvious that it was a rumour. So it would be worded like this -
'I heard she killed twenty men simply because she was bored.'
But it's up to you. It's your story.
I really liked the opening line. It definitely hooked me. The descriptions were nice too. I felt like the middle to end part was rushed though. I liked how Aaron turned down his friends but wasn't sure why, but then all of a sudden Apple's there and then he asks her out and then he can't remember the date. I think adding more in just after Aaron speaks to Sam would be good. Maybe some more of his thoughts and how he's confused. Then he can bump into Apple and they can go on the date.
I like that the date's a mystery but it seems too much of a mystery. It's a very abrupt ending. I would have liked to have seen something like Apple coming out of the restaurant after Aaron's left smiling. Maybe she could be wearing an even scarier smile. It's just an idea. I mean, I like the creepiness with Aaron wearing a smile like Apple's but it's not a resolved enough ending for me. Seeing as Apple's the theme of the story, it would be kind of cool to see her have the last say.
Thanks for the read and I hope this review helps! Any questions, post on my wall
xDudettex