Published January 11, 2005
She strode past soot-stained buildings,
past grungy gamblers,
clinking chips and taunting each other,
slurring obsceneties and bragging
about fictional escapades.
Her white dress,
unnoticed by the gamblers,
flows delicate and beautiful
covered by her impregnable black shawl.
She strode past dark strangers,
whose grave voices whispered to her,
disgusting things that made her cringe,
with reeking breath of stale whiskey.
She ignored them,
smoothing down the dress
as hidden eyes burnt her fair skin
with greed and lust.
She wanted to run;
wanted to get as far from them
as possible.
She was not like them.
Under all the black,
and her dirt-smudged face,
she was pure.
She wanted to rip off
her black shawl
so they could see
her innocence.
She knew the second
the shawl fell from her shoulders
and the saw the purity
that emananted from her,
the dirt and filth of her world
would cover her.
Mud would splatter
her dress
as they mocked her,
bringing her down
to their level.
Dirty
Disgusting
Wretched
Embarrassed
Ashamed.
She could never show her face
again.
She kept walking
hugging her shawl
tight around her.
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140,874 Literary Works • 673,697 Reviews
This is interesting. I wasn't sure the message you were trying to send here, but it was written well. I loved it for some odd reason. I enjoyed it of course, but it was a bit confusing. Really thats all I can say. I loved it, but something seemed off.
change it to bragging of fictional escapades.
This needed to be totally changed.. Here is a suggestion
She strode past dark strangers
Their breath reeking of stalel whiskey
And their grave voices whispering to her
Disgusting things that made her cringe...
eh... Still dont like it.
If you must use all these adjectives, just end it. The next line interupts the flow that you had. This didn't really affect me at all. I guess the writing was good, but it didn't really attract me. Keep writing though!
I liek this poem I liked the words you used to capture the feeling I can really imagine it in my head. I see a sort of message though it could be wrong...
Wulie
I love your use of languge, it is wonderful. Just a small nitpick though,
this stanza doesn't really make sense and it breaks the flow of the poem. Other than that I really enjoyed this.
The concept--the message of this poem was very powerful. However, when I looked at it, I saw it as being viewed from both figurative and literal perspectives which I really enjoyed. This poem, even through it's inconsistency in some places didn't die anywhere. You narrated very well, in the best way you could, most likely.
Oh, I love this part!
Yeah, it was pretty interesting. Although I really didn't get a message out of it and couldn't really get a feel out of it. The style just didnt fit, maybe you should change it to a longer style? Although, overall it was a pretty interesting read, I liked it and could just sit down and enjoy a poem.
This poem is interesting, to say the least.
I'm not really sure the message I got from it yet...still undecided. That's OK when a poem does that, however, as long as we enjoyed the poem itself. Well done!