Published October 22, 2009
Hmmm... Not sure if this is Dramatic Poetry, but I tried to make it kind of dramatic. I didn't mean for this to be insensitive, and I am extremely sorry if it seems like that.
We all go marching one by one
Squashed through train doors, it's nothing near fun
The smallest boy stops to catch his breath
The guard comes by and brings the boys death
We all go marching two by two
Cramped into the train, through and through
The seats are all taken- most of us stand
There's not enough space to move a hand
We all go marching three by three
The train chugs on, we start to freeze
But then it all stops and doors start to open
Those still alive fall outside chokin'
We all go marching four by four
We tumble out, back through the door
We taste fresh air with maximized fear
The guards all shout so we can hear
We all go marching five by five
We get slit up, now that we've arrived
Men to the left, girls to the right
Lots of families die in the fight
We half go marching six by six
We pass to the left of a load of bricks
Men working hard to build a wall
I start to worry it'll trap us all
The women go marching seven by seven
With fear in their hearts and thoughts of heaven
The ladies get joined by young boys too
Old gramp's are shown to the back of the queue
Our mix goes marching eight by eight
Soon there are whispers of what lies in wait
We see the smoke rising, smell something else too
Before we know it, a pit is in view
We all go marching nine by nine
We all know that we're losing time
The line runs into a fiery depth
Those at the front seem walking inept
We all go falling ten by ten
My last thought is: what happens to men?
Then fire takes over and envelopes my soul
I've payed with my life for the Jewish toll.
It was supposed to be about the holocaust, but because I'm new to poetry, I know it must be a bit diverged from my intentions.
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I like that poem it's cool because of what it is talking about. This was a great poem for me to read because in English we are talking about poems and in Area Studies we are learn about the middle-east and we were talking about the holocaust. I think this poem has a good flow to it. The poem gives a sad and depressing mood.
Jenthura, it's Night, by Elie Weisel or something about that. Yes, I have read it. That was basically what I was basing my poem on, except I chose to be a woman because it would show the role of the fiery pits. Glad you like it!
i didn't like the repetition of we go marching and the use of a train... although i do see how it can be used to try and show how its all the same through some eyes...but your rhyme and meter was pretty good i found myself tapping to the beat as i read...ironicly enough haha...
it was a relitivly good read...
I enjoyed the death tone and darkness of the poem immensely. Have you ever read the book Night? By Elie...drat, I forgot, anyways, he was a Jew during the Holocaust and he got right up to the edge of those fiery pits...but then he got called out for work.
Nice poem; I'm jealous cuz' I couldn't find a rhyme or a rhythm from a Dr. Suess book.
I love this! I thought it was great, and I knew that is was about the Holocaust by the end. I can't say much more.
Keep up the great work!
~Poem
I love this, it is amazing, sure it could flow better but it is original and I love it.
we're just on at the same time and i will stop commenting here w/o a review.. i don't want to muck up your nice poem here...
Wow... that was quick!
don't appaligize ! write what you want and never be sorry !
Sorry Cassie ): I didn't mean to make anyone feel depressed... It was just an idea running through my head for a while. Sorry!
Honestly, I didn't like it. Why? I HATE stuff about death. It made me feel sad.
I think we all know what the theme is about.
About the poem now:
This does not seem right because there is no rhythm.That is because the rhyme seems forced ."they're" does not sound like to syllables.Perhaps something like this might work:
A small error:
It should be "split" with reference to the other lines.Happens many times though.
Here are some well written lines:
"Soul" sounds better than sole.
This was a really great effort on your behalf,but still,you have much more potential.
Good luck.
I tried to put some line breaks into it, but I'm not sure if they are showing up...