Published February 28, 2010
I have read the scene a few times andi believe this to be a real, true to heart representation of what Edward and Bella were supposed to do during the cafe scene in Port Angeles. If you do not agree, then go and read some more bad literature. Enjoy!
“A table for two?” Edward said in a voice that was very alluring and seductive. The hostess flashed her eyelids in an attempt for him to notice her. He was looking at me, and I gripped his arm tighter. Just because Edward was unconditionally perfect and constantly dazzling doesn’t mean any random is allowed to fall in love with him.
She led us to a table, but Edward wouldn’t allow me to sit. “No…” He said, his voice even more attractive than it was a minute ago. “I was hoping for something more… private.”
“Sure.” She looked almost as surprised as I did, like she couldn’t believe two teenagers would want to be alone together. She shot me a look that was laced with a lethal poison. I looked back at Edward, keen not only to avoid her gaze of malicious, spiteful, venomous toxin, but to bask in his chiselled jaw and perfect features.
Needless to say, Edward’s dazzling power made her show us to a private table in the back immediately. “Your server will be right out.” She gave Edward another fleeting look, desperate for some eye contact, maybe to convince her that he was real, and this god was truly walking among us.
He wouldn’t look, though, because he was enveloped in gazing at my face. I didn’t want to hide my face in shame, though. Because even though I’ve never had a boyfriend before, I am absolutely flawless. If only Edward would stop staring at me, so I could look upon his stone-beautiful face once more without feeling awkward.
“You shouldn’t dazzle people,” I said after a minute’s silence. “It’s rude, you know. I believe that I should be the only person allowed to look at you.”
“Do I...? Do I dazzle you?” He asked incredulously.
“Frequently,” I spluttered out, even though my throat was dry. I couldn’t seem to get any short, perfectly fine words out.
“Oh, really?” He twisted his face to show some emotion, something of which I had not thought possible. His face was so like stone, I thought that only his pompous lips and feathery eyelashes would move. “I didn’t notice you staring at me like I was a god, over all the times that we’ve met.” And of course, I believed him, silently congratulating myself at how sneaky I had been, while being totally obvious at the same time.
“Forgiven.” Anything he did would be forgiven. With a face as stone like as that and as chiselled as that, what could he possibly do to hurt anyone?
The waiter came and he ordered ten drinks for me, mushroom ravioli and some breadsticks. She came back a second later, juggling them all on her hand, placing them on the table while some of the other guests, who had been here longer, cried out in hunger.
“Do you feel sick or anything?” he asked me once the waiter had disappeared.
“No, why should I?” I asked dubiously.
“Because anyone normal, which you obviously aren’t because you’re so stunningly perfect in every way, would be in shock right now from seeing something as amazing as my face,” he summed up.
“I don’t think that will happen,” I said after I could breathe again. I had been so lost in his crooked smile that I forgot to do something that my body does naturally. Wow… Edward was really dangerous for me! “I’ve always been good at repressing unpleasant things.”
“Drink,” He ordered in a sweet and charming tone. It was a serious order – he feared that I would dehydrate as much as I feared I would stop breathing again – but yet it became the most important thing in the world to me. How could I refuse a stone-cold face like that?
Even though I had insisted I was not the tiniest part thirsty a few seconds ago, I sucked down the ten glasses without stopping. He watched me like I was the most fascinating thing in the world.
I shivered, and he immediately said, “Are you cold?” and before waiting for my answer he took off his jacket and passed it over the table for me. I shivered even more ferociously and it soon became inadvertent that he was trying to freeze me to death. It was like his jacket had just been lying on an ice cap for a few hours, but I didn’t mind.
I sniffed at it, smelling in the twenty different colognes that he had used. It smelled delicious. I coughed but he didn’t seem to notice I was choking on his scent. I didn’t, either, because it was such a pleasant, finicky, and fastidious aroma to waft through my nostrils, brushing the hairs with their perfectness.
“You smell delicious!” I commented, choking again on his overpowering smell.
“This is going to be harder than I thought.” He ignored me, but that only made him more attractive to me.
“You’re in a better mood when your eyes are a shimmering gold,” I said. “Usually.”
“What?” he doubled back. “You noticed that!”
“Of course. How couldn’t I, getting lost in them so frequently that I know them off by heart?” I spluttered, my dry throat once again rendering me unable to say anything less than over the top.
“You have some questions to ask me?” He said, completely out of the blue, but knowing that the author can’t stand anything so pathetic.
“Yeah… how did you know where I was tonight?”
“I took it upon myself to protect you from the moment I saw you, because I knew that you’re a complete idiot and you can’t save yourself, while always complaining in narrative that everyone depends on you.”
“Really?” I said, thinking of how he was taking a special interest in me. “You’ve been stalking me? Thank you so much! I’ve always wanted to have some 118 year old guy watch me while I sleep… I presume you’ve gone the full way, and have been following me everywhere?” I was reeling at the thought. Could this date have revealed anything more perfect?
“Naturally. All this time, while I’ve been warning you to stay away from me, I’ve taken it upon myself not to let you out of my sight. Oh, and I can read minds, too. Just so you know… for, uh, future reference.
“You’ve been watching me sleep?” I sighed.
“Oh, and you should know that I’m a vampire, and If we ever kiss I’ll rip you to shreds like a chid tearing up napkins,” he said, drawing closer. “I was going to murder those guys back there, but then I thought I shouldn’t so I overpowered my uber-powerful animal instincts just so I could be with you. You honestly don’t know how hard that was for me. I had to remember how to count to ten!”
“Aww! That’s so sweet!” I said.
“Are you ready to go now?” He asked me completely out of the blue.
“Yeah, sure. I need to get back to Charlie, because you know how reliant he is on me. I can’t believe he’s managed to live by himself for 14 years without having someone microwave meals for him! And I should E-mail my mother, who’s imaginably clingy for a mother of a teen. I should probably tell her to get a life, but she’s been terminally ill ever since I’ve been able to look after her. Again, before me, it seems a miracle she could manage!”
They leave and Edward ends up ripping her to shreds in the car BECAUSE HE CAN! I mean, he’s an animal. If you were able to, why wouldn’t you tear Bella’s vocal chords out?
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140,848 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
I love this, although I'm not sure if it means that you would have ended twilight right there... I say this with caution for fear of being eaten alive by a twilight fan, I would have ended it even before this, I would have ended it at the car crash if I could have, the van would have crushed Bella and ended the whole thing.
This was my favorite line of the whole entire thing.
Great story, keep working at it.
This was good
One thing though...
Any random what? It could be 'Anyone random' or 'Any random person'
Keep it up.
Can I just love you forever? Because this was amazing. xD
I LOVED the very last bit.
It was so hard for me to hold in my laughter (it's 9:19a.m here, so people are still asleep..).
GREAT JOB!!!!
Wonderful. Absolutely Wonderful. I noticed a few gramatical errors here and there but it wasn't anything major.
In any case, I FIRMLY BELIEVE that you should keep going with this. Maybe the whole book in a condensed and less annoying form? I'm sure if you took out all her pointless whining and stupidity the book would only be a fourth as long. And you would only need one to tell the whole story.
But I digress.
The point is this: you did an excellent job in your Twilight satire and in making a mockery of what pop culture deems "Good Literature". Just watch for grammatical errors. Also, consider a thesaraus (pretend that I can spell) so you don't overuse the word stone. Unless it was intentional? Like to show how truly awful such writing is?
I don't know. I've never been one who's good with deeper meanings.
But anyways, please, please, PLEASE write more (if you haven't already) and PM me when you do? That would be peachy keen and a half!
Toodles!
E
I loved this Fanfiction story! I have read all of the Twilight books, and I honestly am a fan of the BOOKS. I hate the movies, but if they put a scene like this one in the movies, I would be completely in love with the movies. I was laughing at everything you said, mostly because it is true. This was fantastic, I wouldn't change a thing! Good Job, I really enjoyed reading this!
-Titanic
That was beautiful! I like Twilight, but Edward is played up. Totally played up in the books. This is definetally what should've happened
Hi there, i'm going to be honest i usually avoid anything to do with Twilight (my fascination grew out years ago) but I have to say that your title drew me right from the get go - it actually made me laugh out loud! I was really surprised by how funny it all was. The dialogue and descriptions were good and perfectly timed - just a few typos but you probably know all about them now. Thanks for writing this!
Okay so I've read some pretty terrible twilight fanfiction in the past, but this was totally awesome and something I actually enjoyed reading. I loved this paragraph:
“Oh, really?” He twisted his face to show some emotion, something of which I had not thought possible. His face was so like stone, I thought that only his pompous lips and feathery eyelashes would move. “I didn’t notice you staring at me like I was a god, over all the times that we’ve met.” And of course, I believed him, silently congratulating myself at how sneaky I had been, while being totally obvious at the same time.
I was seriously cracking up the whole time. You definitely have some great potential when it comes to writing parodies! May I suggest rewriting a scene from Breaking Dawn next? I mean the original book is hilarious on it's own, but I can only imagine what a writer like you could do to make it even more entertaining!
Great job!
"I hate Twi.
And I love you."
This was AWESOME!
Great, funny, quirky,super-cool!
Keep on writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing writing .
And write write write some more!
And don't forget to share it with us!
Cheers,
Alpha
-Chokes-
Sorry, I tried to imagine smelling twenty different colognes at once and I nearly lost my poptarts.
=)
Seriously, though, I love the way you wrote this short story. The way you made it even more Mary-Suelike, I didn't think it was possible. But you've proven me wrong and I'm glad.
It was a really funny parody-type thing. I enjoyed it, even though I was hoping you would continue it.
Beautiful! I agree with the other posts as well. I didn't expect him to rip her to shreds, especially in his expensive car that he drives. I forget what it was in the movie but anyway, I like reading stories and finding surprises. Great job!
Real quick, the only things I noticed were...
I believe you meant child.
And I think you could put a period there after that.
I noticed you used "out of the blue" twice kinda close together. Your choice to change one of them, but if I noticed, someone else could too.
I thought maybe you could play with the irony there. Bella says he smells delicious when it's his soul being tortured by her every movement that brings the smell of her to him! Oh, he could kill her at any moment, it's sooooooo hard to control himself!
And yes, I would totally rip Bella's vocal cords out if I had the chance.
Keep writing!
ton of reviews!!! please review me since i reviewed you. Ive read all the twilight books, so to read this blew my mind!! i loved it, it made me laugh so much!!!! i mean, really, just an awesome piece of work, especially since a lot of people have gone vamp crazy (including me...sorry, but what can i say?), so this really, was just..... LOLFI {.laugh .out .loud .for .infinity.... I'm a dork.heh heh} XD
Wow, hahahaha, this completely made my day.
This was freaking hilarious especially the bit about the other guests crying out in hunger, but I just thought I'd point out the "waiter" bit, you probably meant waitress there.
This was simply brilliant(hilarious), that's all I really have to say.
I definitely think you should keep writing these, I'd read them all
I never bothered myself to read Twilight. Even though the plot is quite modern, but still I never liked Twilight. But, your remake is really funny! And I will defiantely love it. xD
I haven't read Twilight due to constant comments from my friends. They say it's gross and pointless... But uh, LOVE THE ENDING! Goodbye, Bella!
You, my friend, just made my day. I've read all of the Twilight series, and each one makes me have several gigglefits. It's just so... vampire cheesy.
Ellie
I loved your story! It had me cracking up the whole way.
Others have corrected the typos and such, so I'll just leave it at it was perfect and I'd love to read more.
YOU ARE MY NEW HERO!!!
That had me ROFLMAO-ing and LOLcanoing and ROLFcoptering
Thats how funny it was. I had to go with the text-abbrevations, Sorry about that.
That really cheered me up. Just one hing you forgot. THat would be an over use of the words 'murmur' and 'glower'
WONDERFUL job though!!
Hello there!
This is so funny 'cause you really made me laugh esp. on the last part.
I love how you portray the two MCs here because you seemed to make Bella talkative and quite funny while Edward to be bragging about his physical features or something.
keep up the good work!
Peace out!
I've got to say, this was great!
This isn't really a proper review, by the way... sorry.
I myself don't actually mind the Twilight books. They're not amazing, but they're not painfully terrible either. Even though I'm not one of the vicious anti-Twilight people, I found this very amusing indeed!
My only nit-pick about this is some of the words you use. A lot of them don't seem to feel write in the places that you've put them. I think that someone else might have mentioned this, actually. I think that you should just read over your work and think about what doesn't really sound right. Remember; if it doesn't sound right, it probably isn't right.
Yeah... sorry this hasn't been a proper review. I just read this and it made me laugh, so I thought that I'd comment. Keep up the good work, dude!
xoxo Skins
Thanks for all of the comments, YWS-ers! I'm not sure if I can be brave enough to go back and read something that close to twilight, to edit, but I will certainly take that into consideration when I'm writing other things. Thanks again.
Hello, I'm Tala, I hope you find my review helpful.
Your sentence structure is lacking, and repeats itself quite a bit. I know this is how the original literature is, however it doesn't mean you can't do your best to make a good piece of writing.
I loved how dramatic it was and this made me giggle.
A few words in the piece make me stop, they seem out of place, and it takes me a minute to understand the sentence. There are several, and I don't see the point in listing every one of the flaws like some of the reviewers here on YWS, I think that's just uncalled for.
Did I mention I loved how dramatic that was? I love the dramatic parody of this, it's really the only way to parody this, and so, you did that quite well.
Hi Asxz,
This was really funny. I really enjoyed it! The dialogue was brilliant and I especially loved;
"while some of the other guests, who had been here longer, cried out in hunger."
and
"Because anyone normal...my face."
and
"I took it upon myself...depends on you."
I love how you portray the characters.
There are just some tiny little things I'd look at. I'd change "flashed her eyelids" to "batted/fluttered her eyelashes" or something along those lines. I'd also change "enveloped in" to "absorbed in". I think "juggling them all on her hand" is a bit awkward. Maybe try something like "trying to balance the laden-down tray on her arm". I'd also cut "finicky" as it doesn't make much sense here.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Ahahaahahahahahahaha, this is an awesome remake. I'd buy this in a shop! Hahaha, it's brilliant. Lol, good work.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Omg. You're my new hero.
XD That was freaking amazing. And you made a lot of good points there; like the whole part about how Edward warns her constantly to stay away, yet he follows her around like a dog with his tongue hanging out... but anyway, the only things I have to say are minor, just typos and whatnot.
That's all I have to say grammar-wise. I did notice one thing though; you got a little hasty towards the end. More obvious. Even though it's a comedy-type fanfic, you can still keep it like a story. XD And no matter how much I loved those last sentences, they were the ones that were the most rushed. Well, rushed-sounding.
But yes. I loved this. XD You speak the truth!
Spoiler
~Peanut