Published September 12, 2009
Okay, this is the first story I've posted on YWS in the last few months, so I don't think it's very good. Be warned; it has some disturbing parts to it, but only if you don't know what's going on. So I'll fill you in now.
It's not quite finished yet, I'd just like to get this done and dusted before I continue. Spoiler! :
Thanks!
“Father?” I asked as my father picked up the knife. It glistened in the overhanging chandelier. My heart rate increased as he did not answer me. “Father!” My voice had risen as I was eager to get through his disregarding attitude.
There was no one else in the room. That is, nothing living. Dead corpses lined the table. I looked into the eyes of the one closest. It sickened me. I always wondered why he kept the eyes in after they died. Did he enjoy looking into the dead beings eyes, knowing that he was the cause of their pain and suffering? Or did he just like the… look?
He looked over the table - knife still in hand - and looked at me. Over the various array of corpses, I looked back at him. “Why do you do it?” I asked. A lump welled up in my throat as I asked the question. It was one that I had wanted to ask for a long time. “Why do you kill so many? So many more than we need,” I continued, unable to stop myself after so long of suppressing my feelings. And then after my words had hung in the air for a while, I corrected myself. “More than you need?”
He stabbed into one; the squelch of blood dripping from it could be heard across the massive room. “The meat will grow on you, Son. Besides; leftover just serve as more bait,” he stated through a mouthful.
I took a mouthful of my own, but mine was green. It tasted good; guilty free. There was silence as we ate, each of us opposing the others’ views. My forest surrounded my section of the table, his morgue was opposite. It was uncomfortable when mum and Samantha weren’t here. There was so much empty space. But we each had our sections to the table, and that was where we sat.
All help appreciated, as I said, I haven't written a story for YWS for a long time, and I want to get back into it!
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,633 Literary Works • 673,570 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that's definitely a bit of a terrifying situation to open with there. The description does very much catch you very off guard with quite how powerful it is in terms of those poor animals and more than that the way that the father seems to be looking at this whole thing. I think the way the son appears so uncomfortable definitely adds onto the feeling.
Hmm this takes us to an interesting point here. We get a sense of perhaps something that's been blown slightly out of proportion. It does seem as if the father has gone a little overboard in terms of hunting these animals for sport but it seems also like the son is a bit extra sensitive to how much death his father seems to cause and is therefore seeing this in a somewhat scarier light than might be true. I'm not sure if that was intended but this is a feeling I get while reading this.
That certainly makes for quite the ending I think. Ultimately it ends up sounding almost like a simple debate between a father who is more into eating meat and a son who is a little averse to the idea and prefers not to harm animals. It does make for quite an interesting little tale in the end although I feel like the start then sort of seems a little more dramatic than it really needs to be.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hiya!
So, this did freak me out a bit because I didn't read the spoiler at first. Good fiction should be able to stand on its own without needed to be explained. I did read the spoiler, and here is what I have to say on the subject:
Right now, you're not giving any hints these are animals. No mention of fur, hides in the corner from having to skin the animals, the smell of cooking meat in the air, any tantalizing clues that the meat being eaten is animal, not human. Right now it's just one extreme of what seems to be cannibalism, and then with the forest it's almost like a herbivore, not vegetarian.
Overall, this story has some possibility and it's morbidly interesting. I'm wondering if the conflict will get any bigger, though. I'm not sure how you can sustain this tension for a story that long.
PM me with questions!
~Rosey
Thanks Dreamwalker! I know it's bad, so that's why I've put it on here! I'll go back soon and try to polish up what you've addressed here!
-Asxz
Hey there, I'm The.Dreamwalker, here with a review
. Okay, so, since it has been awhile since I have been on here, I will break down my reviewing pattern. First I go into Nit-Picks, then Grammar and Punctuation, Plot, Setting and Description, and Character Developement. Lastly, I go into my Overall.
So lets get this show on the road.
Nit-Picks
I particularily like the idea of this enterance as it gives the reader a sense of curiosity and fear for the character. There are a few rough patches like in the second line where it says 'as' should be 'when' and what not but keep with the general idea.
The first two lines were nicely put using short, direct sentences to give an impact but the third short line sort of ruins the flow and makes it fragmented. I would add some description to the last line. Maybe add facts about the skin being bluey pale and lifeless.
Okay, for this part I was a little put off. Dont just say 'it sickened me' because that makes your character seem very sketchy and unaffected by what he sees. Show us that this character is sickened. Dont just tell us.
O_o
Well thats... pleasant. I guess it explains the unaffectedness of the character but... green meat being guilty free... I couldn't even imagine why that would be a good thing. It's just a little hard to connect the dots but maybe I'll be able to in the future of this storyline.
Grammar and Punctuation
You have relatively good grammar and your punctuation is pretty good as well. I spotted a few sentences that were a little too fragmented for my liking but nothing to out there. Basically, pretty good in this section.
Plot
This piece was very, very sort so I can't give you an accurate idea of what I see. It's confusing, yes, and gross from what I see so far but interesting and the beginning definitly caught my attention so thats a very good start. I would have added a little my to this bit just to give the reader a more accurate assumption of what they are reading. It's very hard to understand what you're trying to put across so tread carefully.
Setting and Description
This area lacked greatly.
In first person, we need to see everything they see, hear everything they hear, feel everything they feel. There is supposed to be an intimate relationship between the reader and the character when it comes to first person which makes it relatively harder to write in first person. That connection, that bond, is created over many components and what the character sees is a huge component.
And, from this bit, I didn't understand what I should have been seeing. You didn't give us any sort of idea of the setting or what the father looked like. Even the main character whose name we do not know. It's important to get those sorts of things across quickly and efficently. That being said, you must, must, must vamp up the setting and description or change this to third person.
Character Developement
This section is where I have always soared and from what I read, I don't really know what to think of your character. There wasn't much there and because the setting and description was lacking, I could not make an accurate assumption of what you character saw. That made it very difficult to connect with the character.
You have to get your character across in the beginning or people won't find the intimate connection of first person.
Overall
Although the setting and description was lacking, I found this piece interesting. Gory in a sense but the ideals flowed well and it's definitly caught my attention. With a few descriptions here and there I'm sure this piece with shine like a gem. I also suggest lengthening this out a bit. It is very short.
Other then that, thumbs up and send me a PM if you post more!
Is Walking in Death
~The.Dreamwalker