Part one of chapter one, 'How to save your life':
I’m alive, I thought. In those minutes of solitude before the day began, I would often try to fall back asleep. About a year ago I had given up, knowing that I could not be able to. I would always wake up at exactly 4:58 by the guards’ watch. It was perfect timing on their part; long enough for you to hate your life, short enough to do nothing else.
I remembered the first time that I had heard the phrase. We were out in the yard and one of the older boys – Theta, I think – was muttering to no one in particular. “I’m alive,” he cursed himself through tight lips. I was cautious, not wanting to get on his bad side, but still wanting to know what he meant. I was five, at the time. It was my first year out in the yard; I didn’t know what would happen if I stopped what I was supposed to be doing..
I walked over to him, tapped him on the shoulder and said “Hi.” My voice wasn’t exactly gloomy, just not as cheerful as you would expect. Like I said, I was five; they hadn’t broken me in yet. The Theta boy grunted. I wasn’t happy about that, but I still wanted my answer. “What do you mean, I’m alive? Shouldn’t that be a good thing?” My voice was now riddled with curiosity, displeased by the angry scowl that he turned to me with.
“Of course," he started, and I could see he was really annoyed, "if I’m alive, then I have to spend every day of my life doing this.” He gestured to his partner, who was covered in bruises. Blood was dripping from his mouth, and he had about twenty cuts on his face alone. The rest of his body wasn’t much of an improvement. I was shocked at the sight of it. The Kappa's were only practicing kicks, and we were being taught to block, also. Which meant that no one really took any physical blows.I looked back at the first boy, who I now noticed had a black eye and a bleeding forehead.
The sight repulsed me, and I wanted to turn around and puke. Had all of that happened today? It was barely an hour after sunrise. We would be getting breakfast soon, but I hadn't noticed anyone looking like that eating at the table beside me. But, I was able to recall not looking. Your world is incredible small when you are still young.
“Go,” he said, waving his hands back at the Kappa’s. His tone of voice had now changed, and it brought me back from my reverie with urgency. “Before they get you.” I turned and ran, headed in the direction he was indicating. It was only a short distance, but it felt like it took forever. The soft grass churned under my feet as I sprinted for my life, knowing what would come next, regardless of how fast I could run. My heart was pumping so hard I thought it would swell out of my chest. And then, just as I was thinking that I might be safe…
“Kappa 24?” My head whipped around in the direction of the call. Blood curdled within my veins, and time seemed to stand still.
Kappa 24 was me.
“Everyone, back to work!” I could hear some guards shouting. They sounded miles away, like they were talking through a telephone, or some thick glass. I didn’t pay attention; I knew that they meant everyone but me.
It had happened before. Not to me, and certainly not to any of the Kappa’s. Always the older, more experienced boys for trying to break out, or attack a guard. There were stories that floated around the dorm like a wasp. Buzzing through ear to ear until it reaches you. And you wonder: Will I be next? And then it strikes. Someone goes mad from it; their best friend, their brother… Most of the boys taken away are never seen for days.
My mind went blank as all of this flooded through my head. If only I had ran faster, if only I hadn’t left my group, if only I hadn’t put myself at risk like that. I had no idea what to expect, no one ever talks about it. But I knew that it would be bad.
A big guard ran over to me and dragged me away by the scruff of the neck. I hunched my shoulders, but his crab-like grip still dug into my skin. I looked around for help, but everyone was just staring. With sorrow in my heart I realized that I would do the same thing – I had done the same thing only a week or so ago. My eyes closed so I couldn't see the hundreds of children slowly getting back to work. At that moment I would have done anything to be that Theta boy's partner; anything to get away from what terrifying future must await me.
He dragged me into the main building, and then down into a basement. Through a corridor we came to a dark room. He flicked on a light-switch, and I looked around. I knew that everything I saw would be of vital importance to me. There was a pit in the middle of the room. It was about four meters deep and five meters diameter. He dropped me down, into the center.
Then the guard turned around and walked out, turning off the lights as he went. I heard a click, which I knew meant the door was locked.
I was left alone, but not entirely. Burned into my eyes was the last image I saw before the lights turned off.
A cobra was staring me in the face, hissing and writhing in what was the light. It must have been kept in the dark so long that the artificial day was torture to its eyes.
And it looked ravenous.
Oh boy, I thought to myself. This is what the Theta boy had meant. I’m alive.
for those of you who want to read part two (sorry, but it's in the future. You will have to read chap. 2 part one for the ending to this) it is up on the site, and you can access it under this link: Part two, Chapter oneTHANKS FOR READING!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Everyone else has already covered pretty much everything that I noticed about grammar, word choice, etc. So I'll just say: Wow.
This is really interesting. Your prologue was great; it drew me in and made me extremely curious to read the rest of the story. So now I'm here.
Aside from the miscellaneous things already mentioned by others, I think this is a wonderful story! It's exciting, suspenseful, and your descriptions are great. I'm hooked and can't wait for more!
Hi it's blackpencil again and I would like to review this first part of the first chapter.
Capitalization error.
'Covered' is a bit of a boring word in this situation. I would've used something like 'riddled in bruises'.
You did this multiple times throughout the chapter. You used the possesive instead of the plural.
'Repulsed'. I like it.
I know you're doing this for emphasis, since I read your prologue. I love that kind of stuff.
Great analogy.
What? How can your mind be blank and something flooding through it at the same time?
So what about those wasps, eh? Those rumors? Whatever happened to them? Someone's gotta talk about it or else it doesn't spread. That's how rumors work.
Ouch.
Double ouch!
Then you wern't alone, were you?
When i read stories, i do not look for grammar mistaks as most other people do. I look for parts that seem dull or dont fit in and try to help. You have not put any dull parts but i didnt understand "With sorrow in my heart I realized that I would do the same thing – I had done the same thing only a week or so ago.". Do u mean he ran away a week ago or he didnt help a week ago? PM me the answer. There really was no reason to run away, maybe becasue he was 5 and didnt realize the consequence. You didnt mention an open gate or anything, so where was he running? It was still very good. Keep writing!
First of all, strong ending to a chapter. The ending creates a cliffhanger that will make the reader devour the pages. I like your writing style.
I don't have any major problems with the story but here are a few suggestions for some improvement:
This line seems to be redundant. We can tell that Kappa 24 is the narrator because of how they react.
Also, after reading your post I know that the narrator is a boy. However, you never actually mention this in the story. You may have some aesthetic reason for doing this, but I felt that it was something obvious that needed to be pointed out and something that can be fixed easily.
After rereading your chapter I realized that the majority of the chapter is a recollection by the narrator of an event in the narrator's past. However, the prologue is the narrator telling us that he is recollecting events. This makes it seem that the narrator is remembering when he remembered something.
If I have lost you, all I'm trying to say is that you should delete the first paragraph of this chapter. I would suggest finding some way to slip in the wake-up time later on in the story. It is a good detail that shouldn't be thrown away.
I'm going to have the first part of every chapter about his life when he was training, and the rest (a much longer section) about him in the real world, after he has completed training. I hope that this will keep people interested, and I can show why he is like he is...
Chapter one part two is still in my head... sorry guys! I'm trying to get it down on paper, maybe by the weekend?
The prologue to your novel was drawing, cliffhanging and short, perfect for a prologue. But this first chapter should be a bit longer (even though the help sectors tell you to keep it short) and filled with more details, explanations and more...more...I don't know, but you've got to drop the whole mysteriousness and start informing your reader with bigger chunks of ideas...At least, that's the way I'd do it.
Hey, I'm Rena. First off, your title reminded me of The Fray as well and I was pulled in at once. I love that band. But back to the subject, this story was intriguing. It's interesting and has me wondering what could possibly happen to this little boy next? Who would throw a small child into a pit with a cobra? Oh, my heart is crying out for him and I love all of it. You have a talent for suspense and you should use that to your advantage.
I'd love to know what happens next. I found nothing wrong with any of it. Keep up with the good work!
Hey aszx. So first of all, I really only read this because the title reminded me of that one song by The Fray and I didn’t think I would want to read it, but when I saw that it was in action and adventure, I was like, um, maybe I will read. And I did. And here’s your review!
Nitpicks
So I like what you’re trying to say here, but I think that the way you’ve punctuated it could be different because of that dash. Rather then using the dash, why not use a semi-colon? Then just remember to drop the case on ‘just.’
There are two issues I wanted to address here. First of all, the bolded section is bothering me because of where you put ‘boys’ which should be placed after ‘older’ instead. The second issue is with the red ‘were’ which is a misuse of subject-verb agreement and my English teacher would probably strangle you for that. So here’s a quick English lesson:
‘of the older boys’ is a prepositional phrase so it can’t be the subject. The subject of the verb would have to be ‘one.’ Now just for a moment, pretend that ‘of the older boys – Theta, I think –’ isn’t there so it would just be ‘one were’ and you wouldn’t say that would you. Nope, you would say ‘one was.’ So change ‘were’ to ‘was.’
Something about this feels funny and I think it’s because of the sudden usage of ‘you.’ Perhaps try changing it to: “I didn’t know what would happen if I stopped what they had told me to do.”
Something about the use of the phrase ‘broken me in yet’ you make it seem like you’re working with a dog rather then people.
*insert confused look here* I’m not quite sure what you were trying to say here. I would probably try and clear it up a bit.
‘my’ should be ‘me.’ I would also make a recommendation to change ‘picked’ into a more descriptive and powerful word.
For the very feeling of flow, I would insert the word ‘had’ right after ‘boy.’ But that’s just me. It’s up to you in the end.
Overall
So, for the most part, this isn’t bad, but I think that you’re missing a lot of what you need to create an effective setting. As well as that, make sure that your readers get to know what is going on. Why are these kids here? Why did they just throw her in a pit? Why?
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.
~lilymoore