Okay, this is part two of chap. 1. This is set in the present, and the part 1 was set in the past... if you have any hints on how to make that more obvious I would liek to hear them! Thanks for reading!
The countryside flies past the window. My thoughts are vacant; somewhere back there I’m trying to think of a reason why this isn’t a good thing, but it just does not seem important now. Instead I focus on the countryside.
It is so easy to lose myself in all of the green. I’ve never seen anything like it, and I don’t ever want to lose this moment. I would give anything to be walking or running along the road or even lying down on the side of the road, breathing in the fresh air, taking in the immense blue of the sky.
My arm clicks a button on the arm rest, and the window starts to disappear. I recoil in shock, but can hardly suppress a smile. Wind combs through my hair, I face into it and feel it push against my face. The coolness of it almost gives me Goosebumps, but I don’t care. Nothing could dampen my mood.
To have suck vibrant colours surround me is a readily welcomed change from what I could only describe as a hell. My very spirit soared only a week ago when I had first found out it was time for my first assignment. Even now I know that I am not what you would call free, but it is so easy to forget that in my current state of mind. Heck; the way that I’m feeling, it would be hard to remember anything.
I have been sitting in the comfy leather car for little over three hours before I begin to recognise any of my surroundings. Although it can hardly be called recognition, as I have never been here before. But because of the past week I knew them like the back of my own hand. The car pulls to a stop at a red light, and I look around the street.
It’s just as the photos had shown, posters stuck on the street lamps, neon signs flashing above the doors to restaurants, everyday people walking hastily away from their workplaces. I see no lush paddocks and beautiful green fields as I did an hour ago. In an attempt to brighten Wellington Central up, there are thin strips of grass and trees in the middle of the road. I’m surprised that the tree trunks haven’t been stickered with advertising. Even the sky has been sucked of all colours, now resembling the grey building more than anything else. I found out how to make the window shut an hour or so ago, and it has been too cold to reopen it ever since.
With a fluid start, the car moves on through the city streets. I look around the inside, knowing that I will probably not see it again. The first thing I notice, oddly enough, is the driver’s stiff neck. He hasn’t moved the whole journey. He hasn’t said a word, either. But I find myself smiling, despite his coldness towards me. He isn’t treating me like a person, but I can tell that he doesn’t see me as a dog.
We turn a corner and then down a side street. About half way down he drives onto the curb and turns off the engine. He doesn’t say anything, but I don’t expect him to. Even though he is one of the first people not to treat me like filth, I am glad that I will probably never see him again. It’s more than a partial elation, too. It’s not only him that I’m glad not to be seeing again, but everyone back at the training compound. I’m finally free, I tell myself.
I pull the handle and open the door, the driver’s silence says it all. Time to go. As my foot hits the pavement, reality hits me. And it pounds down on me; hard. It’s not true that I’m free. Now that I really think about it, I’m more chained up than ever. I don’t know what awaits me, but I know that if I don’t complete whatever they tell me to do… well, I would rather not think about that on what I have been calling the first real day of my life.
I close the door behind me and as soon as I hear it shut, the screech of tires hurts my ears. The bitter wind bites into me, and I am now aware that there was air conditioning in the car. My arms are bare, and in the evening cold I wish that they had given me a jumper. There is no one else on the street, even though the main road was busy. I look to my left, then to my right. I am alone.
In front of me is a house. I have seen it before, in the photos. I slip my hand into my pocket and feel the only possession I have on my person. The key to the house was the only thing that they gave me. As I walk towards the house I pull it out, watching my breath dissolve into the air before me. The door knob has some traces of rust on it, and it takes a few tries before I can turn the key the right way. The door itself is flaking paint in the corners, the wood starting to show in the worst of it. How old is this house? I find myself thinking. I wasn’t exactly expecting a five start hotel, but my accommodation was not looking good.
As I open the door, a sharp squeaking erupts. The door is in worse condition that I thought. It seems to echo through the inside, down the hall. I let go of the door handle and take a step inside. My foot has hardly touched the hallway rug before another shrill cry digs into my ears. It’s a phone. I close the door behind me and follow the noise down to the end of the hallway, passing the cheap paintings on my way. I find myself in a kitchen, and sure enough, on the granite island breakfast bar in the middle of the room there is a phone.
As I reach out to grab it I hesitate for a moment. Who could be calling me with such precise timing? And then a trickle of sense finds its way into my brain and I reverse the question. Who else? The phone crackles as I bring it to my ear. “Samuel Matthews?” the tone of voice is more of an order than a question. I recognize the voice; the head of affairs from the compound. I had only met him a week ago, when I first heard the news. He must be checking that I came inside, and didn’t run away.
I recognize the caller almost instantly, but the name he has spoken takes me a while. “Yes?” I choke. That is, for all intents and purposes, my name. I know I should have remembered that sooner, but I wasn’t expecting to be called by that name.
“Next to the phone is a folder. Find enclosed information about your first assignment. Read through it carefully, burn the pages and soak the ashes. Tip them down the sink; do you understand?” My eyes wander to the brown folder he is talking about. Sitting neatly on top is a cigarette lighter. The green plastic is clear, and I can see the lighter fluid inside. My heart suddenly leaps; I’m not sure it if is because it I’m happy about the prospect of lighting something on fire, or because I know that I will have to do as he says.
I nod my head in answer to his question, then I realise that he can’t see me. “Yes,” I reply. There is a pause as I wait for him to say something else. As I wait I eye up the folder. It looks to be less than ten pages, but I am suddenly feeling tired. It seems like the colours and sights have excited me more than I thought, and now that I can, I just want to go to bed.
Presumably, because he hasn’t said anything for so long, he doesn’t want to say anything else. I am just moving it away from my ear when he starts talking. I rush it back to try and hear what he says, but I miss the first part. “…For the greater good,” is all I catch, but I don’t need to hear it all. I have heard it so many times before that the saying is almost a part of me. And I believe him. The whole purpose of my life is to serve the greater good, no matter what is in that folder.
The wave of lethargy has not lifted, and I am pleased to hear the beeping that means he has hung up. With a yawn I replace the phone back on the charger, and take one last glance at the folder. No, I decide. There is no point when I am this tired. I won’t remember anything. And I need to remember everything.
I walk back down the yellow hall, searching the house for the bedroom. Instead I find a study. I have to walk back into the kitchen and down another hall to find the washing room, bathroom and toilet. And then finally, down the end of the hall, at the back of the house, is the bedroom. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have been waiting for this the entire day. In the middle of the room, a double bed awaits me. Without bothering to take my shoes off, I flop onto the bed face first. After about ten seconds of shivering, I roll over, pulling the covers with me.
The duvet is so warm and soft that my brain only has enough time to register one more thought; This has been the best day of my life.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Overall this was an excellent piece which I thoroughly enjoyed and I will be following this one along. I read the first part which was so compelling I felt I had to read the next part. The only possible hint I can think of is with regards to spelling. There were a few errors I noticed and often I find that when I am writing or editing it pays to read it through from the back to the front, therefore you are reading it word for word and not the story as a whole where you may miss errors.
Once again a great piece, well done.
Thanks for the reviews guys! If you want a free review, Explosive Pen, then you can just say the word. Otherwise, I really appreciate it! And yeah, there is a little... trouble at his first day of school the next day. Anyways, Thanks again for reviewing!
Hi there! Sorry this took so long. I haven't reviewed prose in a long time, and I haven't read the first part, but I'll do my best with what I have to work with.
Feel special! You get my 200th review! ^^
The use of the word 'road' twice so close together sounds redundant. Reword it to something like:
"I would give anything to be walking or running along the road, or even to be lying down beside it."
Lowercase goosebumps. Also, like TheNewHero said, how can you almost get goosebumps? You can say it prickled his or her skin, or something like that.
Such vibrant colors. Typos are treacherous. I'll do my best to point them out to you, but you should proofread anyway. ^^
I think [/]advertisements[/i] would sound better.
What grey building?
This seems very out of place with the rest of the paragraph. What does a car window and the cold have to do with what an industrialized town looks like? I'd delete this bit, or maybe put it in a different paragraph.
That comma should be a semi-colon.
Ah, but that semi-colon should be a comma!
Comma after it. I won't point out every time you miss a comma, so here's a tip: read out loud, and where you'd naturally pause, put a comma there.
Capitalize the, since it's more of a new sentence than modification of the dialogue. That makes little sense. xD What I mean is, you're not saying "he said/she said" so... yeah.
This isn't necessarily wrong, but I'd replace that semi-colon with an em dash.
Well, obviously your MC recognizes the caller; you said so in the previous paragraph. So I'd put an 'although' at the beginning of this sentence and nix the 'but'.
So your MC doesn't have a real name? Or if he does, why is he being called my a different one. Remember - I haven't read the first part (and I should probably break that habit xD). This is interesting. I'm sensing a good story here, and the name thing is a sign of a real struggle. So I like how you did that. ^^
I'd just make that semi-colon a period and start a new sentence. The speaker sounds harsh, so I like the idea of short, abrupt sentences for him.
Haha, I like that. Though your MC has been through some hardships, he's still a typical guy. Typical pyro of a guy. It seems like you've taken a lot of thought into your characterization, and I really like that. Good job. ^^
Comma after wait, and you don't need that up. Plain old eye will do.
Do I sense some foreshadowing here? To me, this says that something bad will happen because he didn't read whatever was in the folder. Just something to think about.
So. I really like this. ^^ I like your writing style, although the long paragraphs may be a turn-off for some people. There's little dialogue in this part, so that might be why they're so long, but I usually go for a lot of short paragraphs. But hey, whatever works best for you.
I like how you've characterized Samuel, for the reasons I've previously mentioned. You did a really great job with that.
Urm... So yeah. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to PM me. ^^
I can understand why you'd be eager for a review. If I had written something this good I'd want it to be better!
Nice story though. I think one thing that turned somepeople off was your title. It brought to mind a knife that had been dipped in blood. I really feel the vibes of Maximum Ride ( http://www.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maximum_Ride ) in this story and if you improve on it I'm sure you can really attract the masses.
Try make the title shorter, just: My life - To save yours. Or something like that. Something that seems out of action adventure, draw in the crowd, even something like: Saving you Life - Chap 1, Part 1 or whatever.
I'll bolden what I feel should be there or just omit or whatever paragraph by paragraph.
By the way I don't usually recommend writing in the present tense.
I added poise for battle because that's what I've gotten through your first chapter and prologue. A young seven year old boy taught and told to kill and never to die. I don't think you can almost get goosebumps.
[quote="asxz"]The wave of lethargy has not lifted, and I am pleased to hear the beeping that means he has hung up. With a yawn I place the phone back on the charger, and take one last glance at the folder. No, I decide. There is no point when I am this tired. I won’t remember anything. And I need to remember everything.
I walk back down the yellow hall, searching the house for the bedroom. Instead I find a study. I have to walk back into the kitchen and down another hall to find the washing room, bathroom and toilet. And then finally, down the end of the hall, at the back of the house, is the bedroom. Somewhere in the back of my mind I have been waiting for this the entire day. In the middle of the room, a double bed awaits me. Without bothering to take my shoes off, I flop onto the bed face first. After about ten seconds of shivering, I roll over, pulling the covers with me.
The duvet is so warm and soft that my brain only has enough time to register one more thought; This has been the best day of my life.
I can tell you why you're not getting many readers: Firstly change your title, it IS important. Then your first sentence. I have no problem with it but remember on the homepage new stories have their first lines on when you hover your mouse over them. Also your first line needs to be a definet hook. Describe what'll happen in the chapter and describe your character's history very subtly, like: They're horrible but I'm told what I do is for the greater good. I believe them, otherwise I wouldn't be doing this, I'd have run. Finally I can honestly say the reason someone gets turned off from your story is the paragraphing: You never skipped lines, just clicked enter once. Please, when it's a different scene, skip a line.
I'd recommend really exploring Sam's thoughts on the Agency subtly throught the chapter. Otherwise Great Story!
I was going to review anyway because this story reminded me of Maximum Ride and Percy Jackson together but if you do want to review my work...
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Well Done,
I'm sorry for bumping, but because this desperately needs some help, I'll give a free review to the latest piece of work of the first two people to review this! (please review)
Please review... I'm thinking that this chapter needs a lot of work!