Published May 24, 2011
It was a weird vine, it was kind of dusty like. Richard had never seen this vine before and he has been through this forest many times. Zed had brought Richard threw the forest and taught him which plants would help heal wounds faster and which plants would kill you. Zed made Richard want to learn more and more, Zed made Richards brain hunger for more knowledge.
Richard reached down to grab the vine when all of a sudden it jumped up and bit the palm of his hand. Richard yanked back his hand in pain and looked at it and there were two small holes in his hand where the vine had bitten him. Richard started to feel dizzy, when all of a sudden he just fell back and landed with a thud on the ground.
He woke up several hours later with a splitting head ach. He got up and looked at his hand and it was now swollen up and the holes had some clear looking liquid coming out of them. Richard walked out of the woods onto a rock that was up higher than the lake and he could see the path when he saw something on the path bellow. He looked closer and he saw it was a woman and she was in a beautiful white dress but something wasn’t right, the woman was walking at a fast pace.
Richard looked behind the woman and saw four men following her, but they were creeping behind her going from tree to tree and rock to rock. Richard thought I should go down and warn her that she has four men following her. But then he thought maybe it’s just her and her brothers playing a game. But then he thought if it was her and her brothers she wouldn’t be walking that fast.
Richard looked ahead and saw old pikes pass. He thought if I could warn the woman before she gets to old pikes path I could convince her to come with me and cover up our tracks and get her away from those men. Richard took a dead sprint down the hill in the forest. He finally got to the path and dropped to his knees and caught his breath.
He got up and saw the woman coming around the corner. Richard caught his breath at the sight of her beauty. She came close to him and he said
“Hi my name’s Richard, I was up at the top of the hill and I saw you, and there was some guys following you.”
“How many were there?”
“There were four of them.”
“Oh, that’s not good. Did you want to help me?”
“Yes.”
“How do you plan on doing that?”
“I know a path just up ahead and I could cover my tracks and get you to my town where you will be safe.”
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Canary word: Present
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141,299 Literary Works • 674,338 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Hmm, this is an interesting piece right here. Its a bit mixed I think. A couple of places here fall a bit flat I think and the excitement is just not quite there, but then in a few places you do have a few sparks, so I think this is a good premise here and a nice start, but a bit of improvement is required here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy....so this is...an interesting opening here. This opening here is just a tiny bit stilted I think. You've gotta be careful with this one. There's a little too much repetition of this person's name here and while there is this exciting situation with the vine and then the whole biting thing, the mystery of this piece ends up a little dulled due to the aforementioned repetition and slight flatness here of this opening.
Okayy...this is taking a few interesting turns here. This vine situation certainly is coming in with some crazy situations there. This headache is certainly an interesting detail and it looks like this is a bit of a different location with this mysterious weapon and another group coming up there. Things are certainly kicking up a few notches here and so far I'm loving it.
Hmm, okay well that isn't nearly as scary of a situation as I was expecting. From the tone at the start there I was expecting this to be something much worse but it seems this is a much more friendly situation here and there's this sense of something completely different here. I don't know whether to considering this a bad thing for the break in tone or not, cause it does seem like a little too drastic a change here.
Hmm, well that ended on an interesting note there. Its hard to judge exactly what that situation could be about here...but it seems this is now a much more friendly situation here. Well, on the whole not a bad start, but the ending is a bit flatter than earlier touch of excitement here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, I think this is a decent enough situation here to start with. Its not a bad premise here. There's certainly enough stuff going on here that I'm interested enough to keep reading, but yeah a few things need to be touched up on here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello there, Sweeny. Shall I give this a good going-over?
First of all, there's no need to keep repeating their names. Just so long as we know who's who.
It's headache. Don't worry too awfull much about it, though.
Excellent, just excellent. You captured the environment of the forest perfectly. I like it. Keep writing for the sake of writing and capture more environments. I suggest you use a little magic in the mix, just for the fun of it.
I liked it, expeshily when Richard got bit by the vine.