The newly fallen snow crunches under his boots,
The bench feels cold and unwelcoming like a new pair of shoes
Sitting down, he looks in the sky, greeted by the falling snow.
His hands cold, he reaches in his pocket and feels the warmth of the bread.
A smell wafts to his nose, his refreshed baked bread.
He hoped it would be enough.
The bread he brought for her. One for him. One for her.
He waits. People pass by, and life goes on.
His hand reaches guilty into his pocket and pulls out his piece.
He sadly, slowly eats his small piece.
He waits. He finally leaves.
The snow has covered over his footsteps.
He turns around and gently puts the extra bread on the bench.
The tears fall in silence, unseeable, hidden from the world.
The snow falls in front of him blocking his way.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hello, aspiringauthor45~
This is MergSword here with a review for you on the last review day of the year!
Grammar Issues and Other Errors
I found no grammar issues, or other errors in this piece of poetry, which is usually rare. That's impressive, so good job!
The Pros of this Poem
I loved how simple and clear this poem is, which leaves the reader without any questions. I also like the way you didn't exactly say he was stood up, and loved how you wrote that he just left the food. I guess you could say there is a feeling of guilt in the poem, and I do indeed feel sorry for the character in the poem.
The Cons of this Poem
Since the poem is very simple, various words are repeated over and over to the point it doesn't feel like poetry anymore, just a very short story. I do believe you could be a little more direct in this poem, and if it were just a bit longer, this could be accomplished.
My Overall Opinion
This poem was written very well, and reflected being stood up in a very clear way, but if the repetition of words was limited, and we were more direct, the poem could reach it's full potential.
~Keep on Writing!
Ever here for a review! I loved this poem! Let's get started on the nitpicks and then I'll have my fan girl moments.
) and I thought that was touching. Also, snow is usually used to show love or bliss, but I love how you used it to show his sadness and loneliness. That was a great idea. I loved it and I want to see it improve!
First off, almost every line starts with He or The. that's kinda repetitive and if I noticed it, others probably will too. (I'm not the best at seeing the little things XD ) Most of the time, the "the" can be deleted, considering you don't have a set number of syllables in each line. And you can switch lines around a bit like "He sadly, slowly eats his small piece." can be turned to "Sadly, slowly, he eats his small piece." Just an example
Next, the line "The bread he brought for her. One for him. One for her." Is great. But I thought you might change it to "The bread he brought for them. One for him. One for her." In my brain it sounded repetitive to say her twice. Just an idea.
Next, the line "The tears fall in silence, unseeable, hidden from the world." Feels redundant. The tears are unseeable, which by definition mean they can't be seen, so therefore are already hidden from the world. Its a tender line, just needs tweaking a bit. I like it and want it to stay. Just needs a change.
Now, I'm going to fan girl. I thought this was so cute and relatable! And you usually don't see guys show that much emotion about a date that never showed (I would have said stood him up but since your description explained, I think I'll cut her some slack
Hello.
This is a nice little descriptive piece. However, I feel like it could be improved upon.
I do like how it's very simple and doesn't say that he's been stood up, but instead the character just leaves the food on the bench in case she did come, in case she did want to share. However, I want to know that the character is a little more upset than the poem reveals. Just a few more words to signal distress or sadness. You say guilty (which should be guiltily in the context that you use, by the way), but that's it. No more indications.
Also, I want to know more about the bread. Turn the bread into more of a central object. What does it smell like? Taste like? It's warm. Where did the character get it? Why did he bring bread instead of something sweeter for his sweetheart? Answer a few of these questions and we will get a better understanding of the character.
Overall, though, I like the tone and the scene you've set up. I just wish we could get a little more. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy writing!
Thank you so much! You voiced so many of my concerns! Do you have an idea for a name?
bread??
lmao.
I really liked the beginning and I still liked it in the end but I'm a bit confused though. bread?
um... yeah thanks....I guess....