Published March 23, 2011
Okay, I'm Florida right now, so...
Sunbathing
Breathe in with a sigh,
And bask in the glow
Of knowing nothing can disturb you.
Let out a deep breath,
Feeling warm rays
Shine down upon you.
Sigh with contentment,
As you're in a safe haven
With only the sun and you.
Fall asleep,
But don't forget to wear
Your sunscreen
As being burnt to a crisp
Is NOT an option
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I feel as though some of the lines are a bit disconnected. Especially this part as my brain takes a pause at the end of every line.
But that could be just me.
Although I would suggest changing the poem structure a little bit to get a better flow.
But aside from that, this is a rather nice poem.
Thanks! I actually did mean it to be humorous, but I probably should have had a better transition.
Lindsay
Really? I think I was running on you last summer...
Sorry, to the poem!
First line is wonderful. Breathing IN with a sigh is so special and you worded it like I'd never thought of. Once again with line 4. Don't use "sigh" a second time. The last stanza made me smile but I don't get it... it's so different from the rest of the poem's tone. Kind of humorous like a punch line. Could be better though.
Good job! Enjoy Florida!