A blossom. A fragrance. A radiant petal, twisting and twirling as the gusts of wind banished it beyond the horizon. Birds sang foreign tunes. Trees whistled a melody. For a second, the world was perfect.
Bikes passed her in flashes of colour, laughs echoed into oblivion. In the distance, there was the faint sign of cars honking, people shouting and sirens wailing. But to her, it was a lifetime away. Strangers gave her pitiful looks, their eyes looking her up and down with wonder, pondering why a girl like that was sitting alone on a park bench.
She wore nothing extravagant, nothing that would attract the eyes of strangers, merely a plain top and worn jeans. Her hair was auburn, her eyes were hazel, and though there appeared no remarkable eye-catching quality about her, strangers looked anyway.
They looked because beyond her scruffy clothes, they saw her sadness. How her hazel eyes glistened with tears that refused to fall, how the dark circles under her eyes and the somber frown on her lips showed how broken she was. But the strangers didn't care, they were simply curious.
No one cares, when it all comes down to it. As long as you fake a smile and pretend you're okay, you're accepted. She knew this. Each person that she had trusted had taken away a piece of her along with their bags, each person that had told her they loved her had shattered her heart. Hearts of gold are easily broken and the more times they break, the harder they are to put together again.
How she longed for someone, anyone, to sit with her. Not to speak or laugh or cry, but simply sit in comfortable silence. Someone who wouldn't judge or pity her, someone who could understand. Someone who cared.
She was lost. It was the kind of lost that couldn't be explained, only felt. Yet she longed to explain it, to explain the searing pain that flowed through her veins but had no cause. How lonely she felt both on the park bench and in a crowd, how her mind journeyed to dark places from which she could not return. How after people had hurt her, not out of cruelty or vengeance, but simply to continue their own lives, she was left empty and alone in a void of misery.
Being lost isn't always a bad thing, because we often know that we will be found again. After being submerged in a seemingly everlasting darkness we can find light at the end of the tunnel. But she knew that for her, there was no light to save her. She was so lost in the tunnel she couldn't tell left from right.
It's a kind of lost no one talks about, or no one wants to talk about. People are so involved in their own lives, their own worlds and their own thoughts, that they rarely climb out of this bubble to look at the people around them. To see how much they're hurting. To see that though they have found themselves, the person right next to them is lost.
She had learned to stop caring. About others. About herself. She had stopped giving away pieces of herself because there was nothing left to give. She had finally learned to find peace in being lost by no longer trying to be found.
So there she sat, a girl with auburn hair and hazel eyes, allowing strangers to run their eyes over her while the birds chirped in harmony with the whistling trees, building a wall around her so no one could come in. So she could remain lost forever.
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139,560 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hi, this is Leela here for a review. This reviewing thing is very new to me. I will just write what I felt.
I LOVE this story. I really love the way you wrote it. I was very absorbed. It is like she was sitting next to me and I could read her heart. Everyone of us would have faced a situation like this. And I was able to sympathise with this girl. I always loved the imagery you employed here. The flow was very good.
"Being lost isn't always a bad thing, because we often know that we will be found again. After being submerged in a seemingly everlasting darkness we can find light at the end of the tunnel."
This is my most favourite part. I found this very comforting. It is like a good quote. Whenever I read a book, I always copy the lines I loved the most in a note book.You wouldn't mind if I wrote this down in my notebook, would you?
Hoping to read more from you.
Hey Leela, thanks for the great review! I'm so glad you enjoyed the story! Regarding the quote - OF COURSE you can write it in your notebook! I feel so honoured being asked... kind of like a proffesional writer
Honestly, this really made my day. Thanks again! -Ash
Oh my goodness.. I feel sad for her. I've felt that same way a few times in my life. But I love how you wrote so flowing-ly. You caught me in right from the beginning with your way of describing the setting. And I seen a scene in my inner eye of a camera zooming in on this girl in raggedy clothes and people in crisp clothing would sneer and keep on walking past her without seeing if she was okay. It's heartbreaking. And lastly, I didn't spot any grammar errors so you're good in that respect
I'm so glad you liked the story! This review really made my day... thanks so much!
Hi, J here for a review.
I feel a flash fiction vibe going here, the sad outlook and a girl who has had nothing but sadness for a while.
For a flash fiction you need to have less words. For instance look back over you sentence and ask if I take this word away will it affect it to much.
I like the end, it left me a permanent impression
So there she sat, a girl with auburn hair and hazel eyes, allowing strangers to run their eyes over her while the birds chirped in harmony with the whistling trees, building a wall around her so no one could come in. So she could remain lost forever.
Almost as if for the end you zoomed back out on the story.
Over all I love the story.
Sorry for such a short review:(
Good Job and Keep Writing!!
Hey J! Thanks for the review! I will definitely try to shorten the story in my editing and make unnecessary long sentences shorter. I'm glad you liked the ending! Thanks for the great review!
Hi, Ashotto.
I'm of course moved by your subject. We have all felt lost at one point or another. I didn't necessarily get the enumeration of the first few lines but they set a bitter-sweet atmosphere. Your imagery is very beautiful.
It's true that there wasn't much to the narrative - more of a still-life than a story, actually, but you made up for that with a nice study of your subject's emotions.
At first, it reminded me of a poem by Verlaine, « Il pleure sur mon coeur » (It rains on my heart) :
Il pleure dans mon cœur
Comme il pleut sur la ville ;
Quelle est cette langueur
Qui pénètre mon cœur ?
Ô bruit doux de la pluie,
Par terre et sur les toits!
Pour un cœur qui s'ennuie,
Ô le chant de la pluie !
Il pleure sans raison
Dans ce cœur qui s'écœure.
Quoi! nulle trahison ? ...
Ce deuil est sans raison.
C'est bien la pire peine,
De ne savoir pourquoi
Sans amour et sans haine
Mon cœur a tant de peine!
Here is a translation for you : https://www.poemhunter.com/poem/janine-2/#content
I thought it would be a text about melancholy but, then, you veered into heatbreak and loneliness. It was very well done but I was a little lost and there was a little bit of confusion due to the changes of tenses. You go from the description of a girl and a moment in time to a general charge against society for not caring, and back. Neither is bad but maybe they could blend together more naturally.
There are still parts that sounded strange to me, like :
« their eyes looking her up and down with wonder, pondering why a girl like that was sitting alone on a park bench » → it doesn't make sense to me, it sounds like their eyes are pondering her (independently, I mean).
« she knew that for her, there was no light to save her. She was so lost in the tunnel she couldn't tell left from right. » → it just sounded strange to me, I'm not sure why.
Well, anyway, thanks for this contribution, Ashotto. Keep up the good work.
Hey! Thanks for the amazing review! I understand what you mean about the change in tense being confusing and not flowing that smoothly, and I will try to change this in my editing. Regarding the sentences that didn't make sense to you, I agree that they don't flow smoothly and can better be phrased differently. Thanks a load for this review - it was really helpful!
Hi there ashotto and a belated welcome to YWS
So I sense a flash fiction there, about a girl who's been sitting on a bench. Left alone. Unloved. Possibly homeless? It's kind of a really sad outlook here, about someone who's been hurt so much that they're building a wall to protect themselves.
This left a pretty strong impression on me, especially the end:
It's as if you're zooming out of the story again.
As this is a flash fic and you have only a limited number of words to get your message across, I have one suggestion for you: tighten the prose. Trim off any unnecessary words/phrases/sentences by looking line by line and asking, "If I remove this, will it change the meaning of that? Is it important to keep this?" For example (this example, this may not apply to this story),
can be shortened as
I really like the stream-of-consciousness feeling here, but I think it could be improved by strengthening the emotions, by *showing* the emotions. For example, the girl looking up hopefully at somebody who might stop by and talk--but is crushed when they move on. In a way, she's chasing a hopeless dream (judging from the theme) and just meditating and still--perhaps clinging to a tendril of hope. I know these emotions, but I'd like to feel them myself.
The occasional "we"'s here kind of jarred the musing sense here. Honestly, it felt a little preachy sometimes, as if it's trying to explain. I know the omniscient POV you're trying here is rather tricky to achieve, and for this flash fic, the "we"'s don't really help. A smoother flow between the "we"'s and "you"'s, and the rest of the story would greatly improve it. Or perhaps cutting it would work as well, but in the end it's your choice. Your story to tell.
So I want to end my review with: use my suggestions or not, and if you want to talk about this, feel free to PM me. I'm happy to hear back from you. Cheers from the After Watch:
Hey! Thanks for the great review, it really helped! I see what you mean about trimming the sentences and making the story shorter - I will definitely take that into consideration. Additionally, I see how the use of 'we' and 'you' stops the flow and changes the story a little, I will definitely change that in my editing. Thanks again for the great review!