Young Writers Society

sasquash:

Thanks so much!

I promise to try to answer a least a few questions. But I don't want to give them all away because then I don't have a story

If you want to read the other pieces, I have three chapters posted right now. Sort of long, let me warn you ahead of time But I'm not demanding because that is something I don't do.

Well, hope to see you around YWS more!

~ashley

Hey, great prolouge. I had a few things i didnt like though. You might add in who it is they are running from, bandits, or soldiers? I might also put in a better description of the characters so we know what to look for (or better yet, what to picture in our minds ) Why is the man chasing the childeren and mother? What is the law that is broken that means death for them? These two questions i wouldnt say are necessary to be answered, but might help people to understand a bit better. I know they work as a hook, but give it too many unanswerd mysteries, and people will get bored of it.

Great story all in all! Keep it going, ill be happy to read the others!

Iya Ythmir:

Thanks so much!

I will make the corrections as soon as I can!

I really liked it. Gripping. Although somehow, the big paragraphs of yours could be broken into little paragraphs for more clarity. With the way it is, it somehow jumps from one situation to another.

Also, I'd point these things out...

Flames licked the sky and stained it a crimson red.

“Dara, Michael, run!” she shouted and her children took off.

Scasha:

Hey!

Yeah, I know. I'm not used to writing stories in third person, so this is a change for me. Normally, I write in first person, so I will work on that.

I promise to slow down the first chapter too!

Thanks for the review!

phirebug:

Thanks for the encouraging review! It really was nice.

I just want to let you know that I have the first two chapters already posted, so if you want to check those out, go for it!

I really liked it! I was surprised to see so many harsh reviews! I like a story that grips your attention from the very beginning. It did have some unanswered questions but I liked that too. Unanswered questions are mysteries to be solved as the story progresses and I defy anyone who can't appreciate a good mystery. Don't let harsh critique discourage you, please! I can't wait for the rest of this story!

Hey sorry, I didn't know how to reinsert this into my previous post, so I just made a new one. Anyway, onto my critique!

ashleylee wrote:Sorry it took me FOREVER to put this on here!

I've just been preoccupied with other stories at the present time...but I decided to come back to this.

Let me know if you want me to finish this or just send it into the "forget-about-it" pile

__________________________________________________________________________________

PROLOUGE

Flames licked the sky and stained it a crimson red. Trees burned black before her eyes and the walls of her home burst into ashes. “Come now, Dara.” Her mother urged her, leading her by the shoulders while she held her brother by the hand Who held her brother by the hand? Her mom or Dara? . They wove through the part of the forest that hadn’t been claimed yet by the fire and moved as quickly as they could with a four-year-old boy in tow. Dara [s]She[/s] saw the frantic fear in her mother’s eyes as the woman [s]she[/s] glanced behind them every few moments, making sure that the other’s weren’t following. “Dara, move.” Her mother scolded when Dara stopped to gaze at the treetops. Her mother’s mouth fell open in fear as the leaves wrinkled and turned to dust right before their eyes as the fire leaped from one tree to another. “Dara, Michael, run!” she shouted and her children took off. Dara saw her brother slow and quickly took him by the hand. She heard her mother’s labored breathing behind her Insert comma but didn’t dare slow down. This scene felt a bit rushed. I would slow down a bit first.
Smoke filled her lungs and fire danced in her eyes as she raced forward. Michael burst[s]ing[/s] into sobs, Take out this comma as his feet grew numb in the chill of the night. “Keep moving!” They heard their mother order Insert comma but her voice sounded farther away. Dara glanced behind and saw her mother limping a few yards away. “Stop, Michael,” Dara demanded. “We have to help mama.”
“No, please,” their mother called, panic rising in her voice. “Don’t stop!” Hooves of horses pounded [s]on[/s] the earth and their mother screamed. “RUN!” But Dara acted [s]they were [/s]too late staying rooted in her spot. Riders appeared, trotting from the smoke like phantoms of the grounds. Their mother came quickly to shield Dara and Michael. “Please,” their mother begged, tears swimming in her eyes. “Take me, but leave the children.”
The leader stepped forward—a helmet with plumes of blue feathers attached to it sat a-top his head—stared at her with a grim expression. “You know the law, Sara.”
“Oh god, no!” Sara fell to her knees. “Oh, please!”
The feathered man fell back, disgusted by the women’s behavior. “Get to your feet,” a foot soldier snapped, hauling Sara upwards.
Sara trembled, tears staining her face a ruddy red. “Just leave the children,” Sara begged, but the feathered man would hear none of it. Michael clung to Dara with sniffling sighs. But as his mother was hauled to her feet [s]again after she collapsed[/s], he had rushed forward, arms outstretched. “Mama.” He wobbled, and Sara caught him in her waiting arms. “Please,” she cried, Michael clutching at her tunic. The feathered man hardened Do you mean mouth hardened, because this part doesn't make any sense , and the foot soldiers exchanged glances.
“I’m sorry, Sara,” he sighed Insert comma here, also I don't like the word sighed. Find another [s]but looked none the wary as he [/s]pulling his sword from his belt.
“Oh, god! Lord Ashton, help us!” Sara screamed, yanking Michael behind her. The feathered man approached and leaped from his stallion, which bayed with anxiety. Sara was racked with sobs, her shoulders heaving. Michael hugged her knees, fearful and close to tears himself. Dara watched all with a mixture of terror and scrutiny. She knew her mother wouldn’t want to watch her children be [s]get [/s]executed but she just couldn’t leave her mother behind.
But at the sight of the sword approaching her mother’s neck, she knew she had only [s]but[/s] one choice. Making a quick calculation, she bolted forward, secured Michael’s hand in hers and raced off. She could hear her mother’s joyful sobs, urging them forward as the soldiers fumbled to catch them. “Run, Dara, run!” It was the last she heard of her mother’s voice before disappearing into the darkness with her brother.

dianis97:

Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it!

Moriah Leila :

I'm glad you like this too. Thanks so much for the corrections. I will make them as soon as I can!

Avens Dolor :

I know it needs a lot of work, so thank you for pointing out everything! It helped a lot!

Scasha:

Of course I will save that spot for you! lol Just let me know when you review again.

thunder_dude7 :

I'm sorry you didn't like it....I know that not everyone will.
I promise to work on it, though.
Thanks for reviewing!

I like the title. I usually hate titles for fantasy books. Too corny. But this is good.

Flames licked the sky and stained it a crimson red.

Ashes turned black before her eyes and the walls of her home burst into ashes.

“Come now, Dara.” Her mother urged her, leading her by the shoulders while she held her brother by the hand.

They wove through the part of the forest that hadn’t been claimed yet by the fire and moved as quickly as they could with a four-year-old boy in tow.

She saw the frantic fear in her mother’s eyes as she glanced behind them every few moments, making sure that the other’s weren’t following.

Hey ashley! I've reserved this spot for me, I'll comment/review this prologue after I get back from dropping my little sister off at summer school.
Are you thinking of continuing this series? Because this is my favorite one by you
Thanks!

Comments in red.

ashleylee wrote: Flames licked the sky and stained it a crimson red Will sound much better as "and stained it crimson". Trust me: readers will know that crimson is a shade of red.. Trees burned black before her eyes and the walls of her home burst into ashes. “Come now, Dara.” Comma instead of period and lowercase'd "H" Her mother urged herYou don't need the last "her"., leading her by the shoulders while she held her brother by the hand. Too many "her"s used. Rewrite the sentence or replace one of them with "Dara". They wove through the part of the forest that hadn’t been claimed yet by the fire "that had yet to be claimed by the fire", maybe? You need to untwist that part of the sentence; it sounds awkward. and moved as quickly as they could with a four-year-old boy in tow. She saw the frantic fear Ah! No alliteration, please. in her mother’s eyes as she glanced behind them every few moments, making sure that the other’s No apostrophe needed. weren’t following. “Dara, move.” Comma, not period, and lowercase'd "H". Her mother scolded when Dara stopped to gaze at the treetops. It would be good to let the reader know why the mother is scolding earlier on. Also, we get that she's scolding by her words and the situation; no need to tell us. Her mother’s mouth fell open in fear Strike "in fear". as the leaves wrinkled and turned to dust right before their eyes "Right before there eyes" sounds pretty trite. as the fire leaped from one tree to another. “Dara, Michael, run!” I don't know that she'd take the time to say their names. she shouted and her children took off. Dara saw her brother slow and quickly took him by the hand. Take out the adverb and, instead, use a stronger verb. She "grabbed" him. She "jerked" his hand. Something like that. She heard her mother’s labored breathing behind her Comma. but didn’t dare slow down.
Smoke filled her lungs and fire danced in her eyes as she raced forward, Michael bursting into sobs, as his feet grew numb in the chill of the night. Mention that it's Dara at the beginning of this line, or it may be confused with her mother. “Keep moving!” They heard their mother order You use too many descriptors for speech when either "said" or nothing would work far better. but her voice sounded farther away. Dara glanced behind and saw her mother limping a few yards away. “Stop, Michael,” Dara demanded. “We have to help mama Capitalize "mama" as it's being used as a proper noun..”
“No, please,” their mother called, panic rising in her voice. “Don’t stop!” Hooves of horses pounded on the earth and their mother screamed. “RUN!” But they were too late. Riders appeared, trotting from the smoke like phantoms of the grounds. Their mother came quickly to shield Dara and Michael. But... she was hurt and couldn't move a second ago. “Please,” their mother begged, tears swimming in her eyes. “Take me, but leave the children.”
The leader stepped forward—a helmet with plumes of blue feathers attached to it sat a-top his head—stared at her with a grim expression. “You know the law, Sara.”
“Oh god, no!” Sara fell to her knees. “Oh, please!” God is always capitalized when used as a proper noun.
The feathered man fell back, disgusted by the women’s Single woman. behavior. “Get to your feet,” a foot soldier snapped, hauling Sara upwards. He's a foot soldier. He doesn't get to talk unless the captain says so. This is how it works.
Sara trembled, tears staining her face a ruddy red. Are the tears bloody? Then how do they stain her face red? “Just leave the children,” Sara begged, but the feathered man would hear none of it. Michael clung to Dara with sniffling sighs. But as his mother was hauled to her feet again after she collapsed, he had rushed forward, arms outstretched. You start sentences with conjunctions too often; they need to be saved for very dramatic situations and, even then, used sparingly. “Mama.” He wobbled, and Sara caught him in her waiting arms. “Please,” she cried, Michael clutching at her tunic. The feathered man hardened, and the foot soldiers exchanged glances.
“I’m sorry, Sara,” he sighed but looked none the wary What does that even mean? as he pulled his sword from his belt.
“Oh, god! Lord Ashton, help us!” Sara screamed, yanking Michael behind her. The feathered man approached and leaped from his stallion, which bayed with anxiety. Sara was racked with sobs, her shoulders heaving. Michael hugged her knees, fearful and close to tears himself. The mother is crying, and her four-year-old is not? I find this unlikely. Dara watched all with a mixture of terror and scrutiny. And "scrutiny"? This distances her and makes her sound conniving, like she's secretly studying her mother's horror. She knew her mother wouldn’t want to watch her children get executed but she just couldn’t leave her mother behind. What? I don't think the mind works this way. "Aw man. I'm going to die. Mom won't want to see me die. Better hang out with Mom." And I doubt that she would think the word "executed" during a time of crisis.
But at the sight of the sword approaching her mother’s neck, she knew she had but one choice. Mention that it's Dara. And you've used another conjunction. Making a quick calculation, she bolted forward, secured Michael’s hand in hers and raced off. She could hear her mother’s joyful sobs, urging them forward as the soldiers fumbled to catch them. “Run, Dara, run!” It was the last she heard of her mother’s voice before disappearing into the darkness with her brother. And the soldiers couldn't catch them? They're on horses!

I really liked it, very exciting. You use very good descriptions and I only found a few minor things that need correcting.

Dara, move,” her mother scolded when Dara stopped to gaze at the treetops.

“Dara, Michael, run!” She shouted and her children took off.

“Oh God, no!”

The feathered man approached and leaped from his stallion, which bayed with anxiety.

Dara watched all with a mixture of terror and scrutiny. She knew her mother wouldn’t want to watch her children get executed but she just couldn’t leave her mother behind.
But at the sight of the sword approaching her mother’s neck, she knew she had but one choice.

wow, it was really good, I really liked it
I thought the beginning was a bit boring tough, I did get hooked up until the second paragraph.
The ending was really good, I love it, keep posting, I would definitely read all of them. Good job