Ocean Eyes and Stars
Ever since the sixth grade, she knew she loved him.
They grew up on the same street-
The boy with the ocean eyes
And the girl with stars in her eyes.
What she didn't know:
It wouldn't end well.
He had long shaggy hair back then.
Coffee- colored,
Shimmering with hints of red in the sunlight.
He was shy.
Beyond shy, and he still is.
The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled,
Always caught her attention.
No matter what she was doing.
His heart of gold sparked something within me.
She heard words here and there.
Words of love.
Him. Her. He liked her.
But she wasn’t sure.
And she was blinded, afraid to admit
Her crush to the world.
Young love, so hidden, so hard to grasp.
Years later, the two lovers drifted.
And yet he still lived up the street.
Didn’t ever talk much.
And yet the girl still loved him.
Slowly, painfully, the feelings faded like a scratch,
Gnawing slightly at the nerves the injury affected.
His brother, younger of course,
Sometimes told this girl things,
Things that made her remember.
He remembered her too-
Wrote her name often, talked about stars.
But she was blind. And afraid.
Time progressed on.
Whispers of words were exchanged,
Like the flutter of a butterfly's wing.
And the girl's feelings for him grew.
He got taller.
His hair got shorter.
He grew up, the handsome boy showing through the past.
She wanted a piece of him,
To step out of the shell of insecurity she had formed.
Eventually, it happened.
They got closer, paradise was found.
He flashed her that shy smile,
A light in darkness.
A beacon amid the storm.
All emotion. All happiness.
She always replied with a grin.
And everything continued to blossom,
Like flowers after snow.
The next school year came in a flash.
And Ocean Eyes took her breath away.
Tall, lean, broad shoulders
A gleaming smile that wiped away all the pain.
Eyes like a summer day in paradise.
But he didn't know the affect he had on this girl,
The girl with the stars in her eyes.
She just wanted him to know.
She needed the sweet sensation of love.
The Star-Crossed Lovers became closer.
Shared some dances,
And the whole world stopped dead in its tracks.
Some hugs that gave her butterflies never-ending.
Soft kisses that would never leave their memories-
Or at least never leave her memories.
The first kiss shared left her in a daze,
Like an electrical current zipping through a human body.
Strange and energizing.
Pretty soon, he didn’t see or feel the magic anymore.
Because he met HER-someone new.
The girl with the pretty smile.
The girl with curly hair
And blue eyes.
A charm on her innocent lips.
She liked him.
Apparently he liked her back.
And he broke the starry-eyed girl’s heart
Unknowingly, unintentionally.
Now with a scar on her heart,
She suffers from the sidelines.
Encourages her love to take his girl out.
Make sure she receives the best treatment.
But most of all, make sure she cherishes it.
Because she has the best man of all.
The one with a heart of gold,
A bronze spot shining through
For the heart he broke without realizing.
She still loves him though.
Always has. Always will.
What is the starry-eyed girl doing now days?
Smiling, laughing, hiding her broken heart.
She hopes it will someday be mended.
But in the meantime, she hurts.
And she is afraid
To welcome a new someone
Into her life,
Only to reveal the past.
Only to hurt once more.
A wound that is sure to never heal.
*This is a true story of how I felt about a boy from sixth grade to now (tenth grade). I still love him. But he found someone else. I hope you liked it!
**And in case you didn't realize it, the starry-eyed girl is me. Sorry for any confusion
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140,819 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
0.0 Wow.
Keep writing.
0.0 Wow. Great.
Okay, Willow here for a review. Let's get started.
First of all, you were in third person then changed to first person once or twice. I don't know if that was intentional because the starry-eyed girl was you....
Anyways.... I really felt this burst of emotion. The wound in the heart. The description of this new girl. I love it.
I don't know much about poetry, but I'll say it anyways:
I think that you uncapitlaize the letter in the word if its continuation or after a comma. I'm pretty sure it's just a different style, so just ignore me if you want to keep yours like it is. : P
I love the ending of your poem. It strung everything together, then settled it down. I love it.
Really, I don't have much to critique. I really loved this poem.
WillowPaw1~
thank you! That means a lot!
Like I've mentioned before in other comments, I still need to edit a lot, which will hopefully get done sooner than later :p thank you for your review!
No problem
This is better, the separating into stanzas is good and makes for an easier read. You have incorporated more imagery which is great. Keep revising your work and keep editing it, whatever it is. I understand that you are new to YWS and for the first poem you have shared it is good. The fact that you decided what voice to right in is good, and I think going for third person was a good idea, but you still have just one line where you have "but I was blind, and afraid."
One thing I would suggest for other poems is to cut down on how many words you use in lines. Just words such as 'so' 'and' and what not that don't really need to be in there at points. It can help with the flow of the poem at times.
Anyway, goo job! It is a lot better than it was. If you still have any questions just PM me.
Nargles xx
This made me feel tons better!!
Thanks again!
Hmm, this is good and I like the idea behind it but I feel as if it just doesn't evoke enough emotions for me.
As I was reading it, I knew what was happening but I couldn't feel the emotions that the persona should have felt because of what was happening.
Maybe it just didn't do it for me, as is no fault of your own, but I think you were so focused on telling the story itself rather than the emotions. This is a true story, you experienced this exactly, and there are times in the poem when I could feel that but a lot of the time it lacked that feeling.
You sort of go: this happens, then this, then that and finally this.
Instead of: this happens resulting in her feeling like this, then this occurs meaning that she nows feels like this, then that happens so this emotion is fault and so on and so forth.
Do you get what I'm trying to say? This is your experience, so you have a good grasp in the emotions that you felt, make me feel them too. That's what poetry is.
It is good, don't get me wrong. You have some good lines in there, and I like the 'starry-eyed girl' that runs throughout it.
"Now with a scar on her heart,
She suffers from the sidelines."
This is my favourite bit, it gives me such an understanding of what she went through.
One other thing, you change from first person to third and back again quite a bit. I'm not sure why that is, maybe you have stanzas but can't get that right (formatting is hard, trust me I know), if that is the case and you have stanzas I see how that would work with the different point of views. If not, well it leads to a funny and slightly confusing read.
I'm sorry if this came across a little harsh, it is good and it has great potential, I just want more from it.
All the best and keep writing
Nargles xxx
Thanks for putting so much work into your review. I was really rushing when I wrote this, so I will have to go back and REALLY edit it when I have time. I think when I was switching around with first and third person, I was trying to make it unique and have a certain affect. In other words, I was experimenting, and I guess it didn't work...haha.
Thanks for your thoughts:) Very helpful!
This is really good, I guess I can really relate to some of this, and i agree with jacelevasco, i really feel sorry for you because I know how much that hurts.
Right, to get on to your poem, I found a few things I would correct:
"He didn't know the affect he had on me" it should be effect, not affect.
And the two lines near the end:
"Only to reveal the past-
Only to hurt once more-"
I think you should replace the hyphens and the end of these lines with a comma or full stop (or a semi-colon, but i'm not sure if that would be a correct use)
All in all, I really really really really really really really really really like this
Keep it up!
Thanks so much! I will be sure to fix that
I'm so sorry. That hurt, huh? I know that feel.
I think this poem would have been better if it were a short story, or perhaps a novel. 
This poem is interesting in such a way that others who have experienced the same may relate to it.
Good luck.
I was actually debating on writing a story about this, but a poem was much faster at the moment. Thanks a bunch! I will be sure to get a story written