Young Writers Society

I just thought I'd point out...this plot line SEEMS to be a write off of "Bridge to Terebithia". The name of this story is only an added letter and changed spelling.

Just wanted to say that >_>

Hey there Aseka. =)

Before I begin, I just have to point out that YWS has a ‘2 to 1’ policy. That is, you’re meant to give two reviews to every one story/poem you post. This keeps everything nice and fair, and ensures that there are more reviews than stories. It’d be much appreciated if you could post two reviews when possible to get everything back into balance.

Also, just so you know, as we're a writing website we tend to insist on our members using correct spelling and punctuation in their posts, as opposed to chat speak.


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Okay, I think your biggest problem here is one you’ve already pointed out: spelling and grammar. I mean, it’s hard to even read the story. As a rule of thumb, it’s always a good idea to make sure you clean your spelling and grammar up as much as possible before posting, otherwise people just aren’t going to give you reviews. I know a lot of reviewers here will look at your story and say, “Well, if she can’t be bothered to even use proper spelling, why should I be bothered to give her a review?” I’m sure that this isn’t what you want.

I see that Chirantha has already done a very good job of correcting all your technical mistakes. Thus, he is awesome.

In other news:

-- Always think about what you want to say. You seem to randomly throw in bits and pieces of information here and there that leave me disorientated. For example, whilst saying that Ket was speaking to his mum you suddenly throw in ‘his father was dead’ in brackets, and I’m like, “Where did that come from?”. It doesn’t feel relevant to the subject at hand, and whilst it’s good that you’ve thought out Ket’s back story, try to place it in a more appropriate place in the story.

-- Show don’t tell. This is an age old rule, and, like all young writers, you’re going to hear it quoted over and over at you. It basically means that rather than telling a fact to us through narration (example: ‘Ket hated school’) you show it to us through action (example: you could show him misbehaving in school, acting rude towards the other students and teachers, or whatever).


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Anyway, it’s always nice to see a new writer here. If you ever have any questions about anything, please don’t hesitate to PM me or another mod about it.

I hope you enjoy your time on YWS, and - as always - keep on writing. =)


-- Sureal

There are many things I should say. Firstly, you can't have "hi" as a topic. And the story's name shouldn't be in the topic description. Secondly, you had written a story without reviewing two other stories, which is a rule. Thirdly, we can't join it baecause it is fantasy fiction, not a storybook. Fouthly, you should write in way that it get's understood by other members. (Even if you are in a hurry)

So, onto mistakes,

it (It) was a very hot day. ket (Ket, unusual name) [s]stood there watching[/s] (who had been wathcing) the school girls and boys entering the school [s]until the bell rang he quickly grabbed his bag and ran to school. [/s] (quickly grabbed his bag and ran to school as the bell rang)

"class (Class,)in next week is the year test will be held. i (I) hope you [s]studied[/s] (are studying) well." said there (their) class teacher,Mrs. Colman.

"yeah right studied....(Studying. Yeah right) " grumbled ket (Ket). That's (That was) bec (because) he hated school, he had no friends and he hated everybody in the class [s]bec they were so annoying.[/s] (the cut sentence is obvious) School (When the school) was over, ket (Ket) ran home. [s](his house was not too far from the school)[/s] (This was also obvious, as you already wrote that he ran home.)

"mom (Mom,) where's my new shirt." shouted ket (Ket) after coming home.(his father was dead) (Put this else where. I mean his new shirt has nothing to do with his father) "oh (Oh) ... it's in the attic. i (I) put it there to wash." said ket's (Ket's) mom.

"but i (But I) didn't even where (wear) it." said ket (Ket) amazed. (I think "angrily" would more likely than "amazed")

"yeah (Yeah,) i (I) know honey, but it really smells."said his mother. (After this sentence you should began with a new paragraph.) ket (Ket) ran to his room with anger he always wondered why he hated school but he never new (knew)why (This sentence doesn't connect with above sentence. First you write about his shirt and then about his school) . he (He) talked to his pet rat about his life and things. He had a huge telescope in his bed room [s]and[/s] (Cut "and". Make the other a new sentence) Every night, with his pet rat duma, (Duma) he [s]came near the window with his pajamas's[/s] (No need of that description. It's obvious) [s]and[/s] looked into it and discovered new things. He saw [s]a[/s] shooting stars about 28 times. (After this sentence make it a new paragraph) The next day he went to his secret room and just sat there. At once he [s]a[/s] heard a sound coming from behind him. he (He) quickly took his rat near him and asked him
"Did you here that duma" asked ket (Ket) from his pet rat. (This was a rather stupid thing to do, not looking for the source of the noise)

"cheek. cheek." said the rat (It didn"t mean that he said yes)

"well i (Well, I) heard it[s].""It[/s] and came from inside the wall." said ket in (Ket with) fear. "Lets go and check it out." said ket [s]to duma[/s](It's obvious). he (He) grabbed the broom which was behind the door of his room. He hit the wall.Shrrrr...... a kind of blending sound [s]appeared[/s] (came) and at once, a little creature jumped on to his face. It was wearing a weird soot (Soot? suit) .The soot (suit) was very old. It had a long nose and tail (the suit or the creature?).It had ears which were very alike with (which were similar to) cats ears. Ket, [s]was[/s] terrified, [s]he[/s] ran down the stairs, screaming. Ket's mother asked him why. [s]he was terrified and[/s] (But,) when ket (Ket) told his mother what happened to him, his mother never believed him and then ket (Ket) thought that he would discover it himself. The next day Ket went to his secret room and found a big box just like a treasure box. he (He) tried to open it but he [s]couldn't[/s] (failed) bec (Because) it was locked. He ran down stairs and brought the axe which was outside the house. Then, when he returned to the room [s]but[/s] [s]how strange the box was[/s] (the strange box was) not there. He walked around the room and searched for it but it was not there. [s]he[/s] (Then he)) heard a weird sound. [s]sort of[/s] (It sounded like) a little man laughing. He went to [s]were[/s] (the place from where) the sound came from. It was coming from near the table. He saw some salt spread on the table. He looked behind bec (because) he thought he heard some voice [s]and[/s](but) he saw nothing so he again turned front. [s]that's strange on the salt first there was nothing written.[/s](At first, nothing was written on the salt.) But now [s]there[/s] on the salt it was written,


'GET OUT OF HERE!'


Ket saw the box appear again and on the box there was a book. [s]an old one very old[/s] (It looked as if it was very old). He grabbed it and ran towards the door of his room.He locked the door and jumped to the his bed. He covered himself with his sheet and got ready to read the book but there was a note. [s]and[/s] [s]on[/s] (On) the note it was written,


'WARNING!'

He took the note and [s]read it.[/s] (started reading it)

Overall

It needs some more description. The surrounding and your character. Not all of us had read the "Bridge to Terabithiya" book or seen the film. And SPACING!!. There is a key called space on the keyboard and use it after every comma and stop. And don't muddle up the story. You kept on jumping from here and there, to and forth. First at school, then at home and then at his room. It needs a lot of fixing to get to a good standard. And also, you should read the rules of reviewing and submiting.

Sorry if I was harsh but I had point out.

Good luck.